Friday, March 18, 2011

Saint Paddy Says, "There's Got To Be A Morning After !"

I never saw her yesterday, but believe you me, I was looking. I was even willing to waive the wings and green hat accessories. There were plenty of revelers roaming around last evening, most wearing the green colors of the occasion. I was not too concerned about the outfits or colors, but more about seeking Erin-go-braless.

I'd be willing to bet the most of last night's party goers were praying to Saint Patrick this morning. If I remember the prayer correctly, it begins, "Saint Paddy, if you'll just help me get rid of this hangover and let me feel better, I promise that I'll......"

I'm sure all the men know this St. Paddy's prayer and I'm willing to wager that a great number of women are familiar with it, as well. I can readily assure you that all women should know the prayer because they have either recited it or heard it recited by their insignificant other.

Happy Saint Patrick's morning after, my friends. Anyone for green eggs and ham? Alka-Seltzer, anyone?

Nascar heads to Bristol International Speedway this weekend and for those unfamiliar with stock car racing, this is the weekend to find out more! Imagine 43 cars racing side by side at high speeds on a one-half mile, high banked race track. Add to that the fact that tempers flare relatively often and you've got a very exciting race.

This race has been often referred to as watching jet fighters fly in a gymnasium. The Nationwide race is Saturday on ESPN and starts at 2:00 pm and the Sprint Cup race is Sunday on FOX and begins at 1:00 pm (EST). Carl Edwards (below) starts on the pole with a qualifying speed of over 120 mph.

The News As I See It: St. Patrick’s Day was yesterday. What better way to honor Ireland’s greatest saint than by sitting on the curb and vomiting into a green plastic hat. Many celebrities celebrated St. Patrick’s Day last night. Lindsay Lohan was stunning in a nice new emerald necklace.

According to legend, St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. It made him a hero to everyone in Ireland except the one guy that made his living as a snake charmer.

With the situation deteriorating in Japan and Libya, the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four. Obozo is facing criticism for going on ESPN to pick his NCAA brackets when there are more important issues in America and around the world. When he heard this, Obozo said, "Wait...was today my fantasy baseball draft?"

Donald Trump said no one in Hawaii seems to remember President Obozo growing up there, but everyone in Trump’s neighborhood remembers him growing up. Who wouldn’t remember a 12-year-old with a comb-over?

The Ides of March was yesterday. On this date in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by 60 Roman Senators. President Obozo shouldn't worry too much though. This could never happen today. We can't get 60 Senators to agree on anything.

The Mexican government admitted that it has allowed the United States to fly unmanned drones on its territory to help fight drug smuggling. Well, they’re unmanned when they fly over Mexico, but when they come back, they have a few hundred people hanging onto them.

According to Shop Smart magazine the average American woman owns 17 pairs of shoes, none of which go with the new outfit she just bought. What are the odds?

This Date In History: 1584; Russian czar Ivan IV, or Ivan “The Terrible,” died at age 53. 1766; After months of American protests, Britain repealed the Stamp Act. 1925 The most violent single tornado in U.S. history, the "Tri-State Tornado" hit Missouri, Indiana, and Illinois, killing 689 people and injuring 13,000 others.

1963; The Supreme Court held in Gideon v. Wainwright that public defenders must be provided for indigent defendants in felony cases. 1965; Soviet cosmonaut Aleksei Leonov made the first spacewalk. 1967; The oil tanker Torrey Canyon was wrecked off the Cornish coast of England, spilling 919,000 barrels of oil into the sea.

1990; The biggest art theft in U.S. history occurs at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston. The works, including pieces by Vermeer and Rembrandt, were never recovered. 2004; A small asteroid made the closest approach to Earth ever recorded, only about 26,500 miles away.

Picture Of The Day: I know, I know, St. Paddy's Day was yesterday, but I still have a wee bit of the spirits circulating through my system. Besides, I liked the pictures as well. Humor me.......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If the election were held today, I'd be surprised, basically because today's not election day! 2) Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers. 3) There's no fool like an old fool, but the younger ones are coming right along. 4) Don't count your chickens and don't blame my cat, Shithead. He has an airtight alibi. 5) I once worked in a fire hydrant factory. I quit because you couldn't park anywhere near the place.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Pisces - March 18th: Any rumors you may have heard about a certain special someone may come true this week. Most of what you do may be questioned this week. Love does hide in strange places and could be waiting for you at some of the strangest places you've ever heard of. Or it could be hidden in a closet, bound and gagged.

There are some strange things that go on in closets. Destiny is calling you. Unfortunately destiny is blind as a mule with no head and is unlikely to have found anything decent for you. In fact, chances are destiny is trying to set you up with a mule with no head. All that you are may be called into question today when someone calls you "Nancy."

Birthdays: Grover Cleveland, American President 1837, Rudolf Diesel, engineer and inventor 1858, Neville Chamberlain, statesman 1869, George Plimpton, writer, editor, actor 1927, John Updike, writer 1932, F.W. de Klerk, political leader 1936, Bonnie Blair, speed skater 1964, Queen Latifah, singer, actress 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. The mother said, diplomatically, "Dear, he doesn't seem very nice." The daughter replied, "Oh please, Mom, if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Tommy is a growing young boy, but when he goes to the bathroom, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. After two weeks, his mom has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor said, "His penis is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his penis will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast. Tommy yells, "Mom, the doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast." His mother replied, "I know. The other ten slices are for your father."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad! How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Kinda bad, My wife divorced me, took half my money and I'm having problems with my game." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Woods says, "You play golf?" Stevie says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger says, "But, how do you putt?" Stevie says, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" Without looking up, Tim tearfully replied, "My goldfish died and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture of a deer. So the teacher asks Bobby, "What is this animal called?" Bobby says, "I don't know." The teacher says, "I'll give you a hint. it's what your mother calls your father." The boy thinks for a minute and then says, "Oh, so that's what a son of a bitch looks like!"

On little Jack's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!" The teacher looked at little Jack's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Jack stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"

Jack did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Jack's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Jack that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Jack knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The principal suggested they try some biology questions. The teacher asked. "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" Jack exclaimed, "Legs!" The teacher said, "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" Larry said, "Pockets!" The principal looked at the teacher and said, "Maybe he should be in third grade. I missed those last two questions!"

That's it for today my little tater tots. Remember, if you remember anything about your St. Patrick’s Day party the next morning, you’re not doing it right. It's finally Friday and I'm going to AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Area 51 after St. Pat's???? Wow you B one tough hombre.
According to Shop Smart magazine the average American woman owns 17 pairs of shoes, none of which go with the new outfit she just bought. What are the odds?
Unquote.... the truth is finally told.

And the joke about Jack hits too close to home. But I did miss a couple answers myself.

Great entry!!!

but what the heck does 'styroppe'
mean? That is tonights secret word to comment on Jimmy's Journal!!

Paula said...

Love the pictures. I've got to make more toast. I'm so tired of cleaning that bathroom.

Julie said...

I am a wee bit late with the bit of Irish cheer, it took me this long to recover, LOL. Gee, now I have to google styroppe.

natalie said...

dear Jimmy
hoi! thanks so much for this Irish cheer!