Friday, March 4, 2011

Who Know What Evil Lurks In The Hearts Of Men? The Shadow Do !

It's Friday night and I normally wandering over to AREA 51 for happy hour and a little recreation. As I sit here pondering which watering hole to go to, I remember an evening in the past where a phenomenon I like to call "The Shadow" occurred. "The Shadow" is the woman that always seems to accompany the lady that you are eyeing.

It seems that when women go out at night, they always seem to have a special friend with them. The special friend's sole purpose is to screw up any chance a man might have with her friend. While both men and women regularly go out in pairs to socialize, it's the women who always seem to have this special friend (from hell) with them.

This never happens to men. All men know that their buddy will abandon them in a New York minute should that special moment materialize. Furthermore, men will actually congratulate their buddy on this feat, knowing full well that his friend will be leaving with the woman and quite possibly be leaving his buddy alone at the bar. This situation becomes worse when you're twenty-five miles from home, but that's the code and all men follow it.

I don't know who came out with this pairing scheme, but I know it has ruined many a man's evening. It's always statements like, "I can't leave her alone" or "She's riding with me" that pierces a man's heart. Add to that the drinks that you purchased for her and her friend (who drinks like a fish but never gets drunk), and you have all the makings of a social fiasco.

You would think that in this day and age, enterprising men would own and operate a "Third Wheel Shuttle " to take these special women home free of charge, but that's just me.....

The News As I See It: It was really cool at the Oscars when they made it appear as if Bob Hope was alive. That’s the same technology they’ll use at Hugh Hefner’s wedding.

Mexico’s president Felipe Calderon arrived in Washington. He’s here to do the work that President Obozo won’t do.

Brigham Young University kicked one of its star basketball players off the team for violating a school rule that prohibits extramarital sex. On the bright side, I think he’ll do just fine in the NBA.

Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication. Police knew she was drunk because she got all the words to the national anthem right. I don’t know if she was disoriented or what, but she demanded to go back on the set of "Two and a Half Men."

New Hampshire is debating a bill to classify some airport screenings as sexual assault. California is debating a bill that would classify those same screenings as "doing what you need to do to get the part."

They’re saying Moamar Gadhafi is "disconnected from reality." According to the State Department, Gadhafi thought this year’s Oscars were fantastic.

Officials in Shanghai, China, have begun enforcing a one-dog policy. Each person can only have one dog. But if you’re still hungry, you can have cake and whatever else.

A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they’re ordering a second study to look into it.

This Date In History: 1789; The Constitution of the United States went into effect. 1791; Vermont became the 14th state in the United States. 1861; Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated as president. 1917; Jeannette Rankin took her seat as the first woman elected to the U.S. House of Representatives.

1933; Frances Perkins, appointed Secretary of Labor, became first woman to serve in the Cabinet. 1994; Four Muslim fundamentalists were found guilty in the 1993 World Trade Center bombing in New York. 1999; Retired Supreme Court Justice Harry A. Blackmun died in Arlington, Va., at age 70.

Picture Of The Day: It's eclectic day, I guess mainly because it's Friday and I need to get out and play. I don't know why I chose this picture, but I like it. Maybe it has underlying themes....Lady in distress? Maybe I just like choo choo trains....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. 2) When I was seven, I told my friend Jack I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840. 3) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

4) It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the presidents' birthdays. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. 5) When I was a kid, my father bought one of those strollers for twins. Then he put me in and ran around, looking frantic. When I got a little older, he told me that I used to have a brother, but he didn't obey......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Pisces - March 4th: You woke up in a trash can again. Don't let your drinking get you down though, go and have a beer. Hope will always get you through your problems. Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and contemplate making love. Of course you're far too prudish for anything like that but it'll be nice to think about it for a while.

Today might be a good day to walk around with your arms stretched forwards in a "mummy" style. Position yourself well, for the revolution is almost here. Try to avoid being too close to walls. Time and time again you are asked to wait outside the room while the "adults" discuss your situation. This week, make sure you are one of the "adults."

Birthdays: Henry the Navigator, prince 1394, Antonio Vivaldi, composer 1675, Casimir Pulaski, Polish General 1746, Knute Rockne, football coach 1888, Miriam Makeba, singer 1932.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." St. Peter said, "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

The man took the bucket, walked down the steps and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"

He put on his clothes, grabbed his bucket of snails and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the door, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all over the foyer. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been. He looked her, then down at the snails all over the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Susie and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No." So, she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said, "Have ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No," She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

A man comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. His wife says, "Where the hell have you been all night?" The man says, "At this fantastic new bar, The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal is gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. A bartender answers the phone and she asks, "Is this the Golden Saloon?" The bartender answers. "Yes it is."

The wife says, "Do you have huge golden doors?" The bartender replies, "We sure do." She asks, "Do you have golden floors?" The bartender answers,"We most certainly do." The woman inquires, "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Tyrone, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

A maid answered the phone and a man says, "Can I speak to my wife?" The maid says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." The man becomes enraged and says to the maid and says, "I knew she was cheating! Okay, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Then, go upstairs and kill them both."

Being the loyal maid, she says, "Okay." Five minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Okay, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

That's it for today my little apple dumplings. Remember, if we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. I won't loot but I may pillage. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

He's Fooked Now Jimmy! lmao!

jack69 said...

Great idea, forward that to Obozo:

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I guess Col. Kadafi could be an area of practice!

Thanks for the laughs asusual. I do have to keep cleaning my monitor when reading this stuff!

Paula said...

Hope you're having fun at Area 51 while I'm listening to Jambalaya (sp) on your blog.

Julie said...

Women have always found it safer to operate that way, early birth control, LOL. I loved the jokes as usual