Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Life Isn't As Hard As I Thought It Would Be !

I recently spoke with an old high school friend and she asked me if I was going to "the reunion." Since I was knee deep in my second glass of Johnnie Walker Black, I cleverly replied, "What reunion?" Well, it seems that my high school alumni are preparing for our 50 year reunion. Now there's a thought.

Other than a few aches and pains each morning, my feeble little mind still thinks I'm in my twenties. This thought actually stays in my mind each and every day. There's always the occasional reminder like when I go into the bathroom each morning to wash my face and I have to wait for the old guy in front of me to finish. It is only then that I realize that the old guy is me.

But, after a hot shower and a shave, I get dressed and hit the road and, little by little , by twenties mentality returns and I'm as good as new. I clean up pretty well and other than the occasional mirror intervention, that's my basic mentality and outlook on life.The fifty year reunion will probably be a lot of fun and I look forward to it. It will probably be a blast seeing a bunch of geriatrics on Viagra with twenty year old attitudes. I love it!

The News As I See It: In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad.

The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that really means? There are 80 million Hispanic people that now live in the U.S.

President Obozo addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, "Don't ask, don't tell." Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a "kinetic military action," which sounds better than "potentially endless quagmire."

Critics were saying that Obozo seemed defensive and slightly angry during his speech on Libya. Sounds like somebody’s March Madness bracket isn’t doing so hot. The Prez is being criticized by both parties for not having a clear strategy to get out of Libya. But neither does Moammar Gadhafi, so it’s OK. Obozo said that he has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him.

A reporter in Florida said he was forced into a closet by Joe O'Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to guests at a fundraiser. He said it wouldn’t have been so bad if O'Biden wasn’t already in there for the same reason.

This Week In History: 1842; Anesthesia was used for the first time in an operation. 1856; The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Crimean War. 1867; A treaty for the purchase of Alaska from Russia for the sum of $7.2 million, approximately two cents an acre, was submitted to the U.S. Senate.

1870; The 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race. 1964; The game show Jeopardy debuted on television. 1981 President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest by John Hinckley as he left a Washington hotel. 2002; The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died at the age of 101.

Picture Of The Day: It's hard to explain today's theme, but I'm sure you'll get the point in the end.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sunday, March 27th, Viagra celebrated it's 13th year on the market. I find it believe it's been so long.... 2) Researchers have finally released the ingredients in Viagra: 2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% filler, and 95% "Fix a Flat". 3) I only take a half of a Viagra pill. It enhances my my sex lfe and it's enough so that I don't pee on my shoes. 4) Older guys are now taking a new combination, Viagra and Doan's Pills, so the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out. 5) I had to quit taking iron supplements when I used Viagra. Every time I got an erection, I pointed north.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - March 30th: The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom. Whenever you feel unhappy today, smile and go to the toilet. This action should soon turns things around for you. Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. Opportunity is waiting round every corner.Serendipity is right around the corner, waiting for you to bump into it. If you pause, say to try and scrape off some dog poop from the bottom of your shoe, you might miss it. However, if you keep the dog poop on your shoe and meet your serendipitous friend, the smell might be off-putting enough to close the deal. That's life!

Birthdays: Francisco Goya, artist 1746, Anna Sewell, author of Black Beauty 1820, Paul Verlaine, poet 1844, Vincent Van Gogh post-impressionist painter 1853, Sean O'Casey, dramatist 1884, Warren Beatty, director, actor, producer 1937, Celine Dion, singer 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. The doctor asked, "What about trying Viagra?" Mrs Murphy said, "Not a chance. He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." The doctor says, "No problem, drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how things go.

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. Mrs. Murphy said, "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor. I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on top of the tablet. It was terrible." The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." Mrs. Murphy replied, "That's okay. We can't go back to that restaurant anyway."

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man rolls over a lets a fart. His wife turns to him and asks, "What in the world was that?" The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?" She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he shits all over the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man got a prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his parrot eats all of them. Seeing the results, the man panics, grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.

Just as his wife comes home, the Viagra kicks in and it's hours later before he remembers the parrot. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.The man says, "What happened? You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The parrot pants, "Have you ever tried to pry apart a frozen chicken's legs?"

A man dies "in the act" after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. He says to the widow, "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member."

The widow replies, "Well I have no more money and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."The funeral director thinks about this and says, "Okay, I'll amputate his penis and then stick it up his backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and your husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece." The widow reluctantly agrees.

On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop. The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the "teardrop" and says to him quietly, "See, I told you that hurts!"

That's it for today my little orange blossoms. Remember, if anybody ever steals a crate load of Viagra, you can be sure that the police will be looking for hardened criminals and they will face stiff penalties. It's Hump Day (yea!) and a good reason to go to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Linda's World said...

Hope you go to your 50th....I had a blast at mine last August. We're on another road trip...spent today wandering around Virginia City, NV,
Hugs to PSH!

jack69 said...

I would have sworn the Murphies would be invited back, we enjoyed the entertainment! Shucks!

Thanks for the memories. LOL

Take care and have a great 'rest of the week'.

Paula said...

Enjoyed my 50th reunion but you would be surprised how many wouldn't attend because they thought they were the only ones bald, fat, and wrinkled.

Julie said...

You will be the best looking man at your reunion. Have fun. Loved the printable things today, pointing north, ha.

Rose said...

My 50th Reunion will be next year and I'm looking forward to it. I still keep in touch with my classmate pals as I do a Blog for them as well.

We may all be older but young at heart.

Hugs, Rose

garnett109 said...

Jimmy I got to get me some of those viagra my compass is broke!