Wednesday, March 16, 2011

What Were They Thinking ?

There are times that I wonder at what point in time, some people were either dropped on their heads as children or are just the unfortunate result of too much chlorine in the gene pool. Nevertheless, somehow later in life, these dimwits find jobs and the result usually shows up in the form of advertisements and commercials that leaves you shaking you head in amazement.

G. Gordon Liddy is a paid spokesman for Rosland Capital, a gold investment firm. G. Gordon Liddy also served four and a half years in prison for his involvement in the Watergate burglaries of the Democratic National Committee in 1972. The subsequent cover-up led to Richard Nixon's resignation in 1974. I'd like to meet the genius at Rosland Capital who thought it was a great idea to hire a convicted felon to peddle their product. Even the lowly, unscrupulous owners of the biggest gold scam in America, Cash4Gold, would have rejected Liddy as a spokesman. The ShamWow dude who died of a cocaine overdose has nothing on G. Gordon Liddy and Rosland Capital.

The United States Post Office currently issues an Islamic Holiday Stamp. The stamp honors the Muslim holidays of Eid al-Fitr and Eid al-Adha and is part of the Postal Service's Holiday Celebration Series. The 34-cent stamp was first issued on Sept. 1, 2001, shortly before the attacks of 9/11. It was reissued as a 37-cent stamp in 2002, at which time the Bush White House posted an item promoting the special stamp as one way to reach out to the world Muslim community on Ramadan.

The stamp was reissued again in 2006 (39 cents), 2007 (41 cents) and 2008 (42 cents), according to the USPS. It was issued for the sixth time as a 44-cent stamp on September 3, 2010. I wonder if Islamic Jihadists use the stamps when mailing money to Jihadists in America?

The News As I See It: President Obozo said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obozo said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter.

Due to the recession, there are now 15,000 fewer lawyers in the U.S. No one ever talks about the good things that come from a recession.

The day after daylight-saving time is supposed to be the worst day of the year for car accidents, because the lower sun in the sky makes it hard for people to read their text messages while driving.

Al-Qaida is now publishing a magazine for women. They already have one for men, called "Car Bomb and Driver."

Singer George Michael told a judge this week that he deserved to go to jail for his behavior as a celebrity. To which Lindsay Lohan said, "Will you shut up? You'll ruin it for everybody."

This Date In History: 1521; Ferdinand Magellan reached the Philippines. 1850;
Nathaniel Hawthorne's novel The Scarlet Letter was published. 1926; The first liquid-fuel rocket was successfully launched by Prof. Robert Goddard at Auburn, Massachusetts. The rocket traveled 184 feet in 2.5 seconds.

1935; Adolf Hitler cancelled the military clauses of the Treaty of Versailles. 1968; The My Lai massacre occurred in Vietnam. 1978; Italian politician Aldo Moro was kidnapped, and later murdered, by the Red Brigades. 1985; U.S. journalist Terry Anderson was kidnapped in Beirut; he was not released until December 4, 1991 after 2454 days in captivity.

1988; Lieutenant Colonel Oliver L. North and Vice Admiral John M. Poindexter of the National Security Council are indicted on charges of conspiracy to defraud the United States for their role in the Iran-contra affair.

Picture Of The Day: Remember the old days, when service with a smile actually existed? I though I'd post this picture from 1958 when there really were service stations. For those of you that might be wondering about the last picture, March 14th was national Pi day. The say that that Pi R Square. This is untrue. Pie are round...cake are square!

Printable Things I Never Told You:

1) I forgot to set my clock forward this weekend, so a lot of today's jokes may not be funny for another hour. 2) Don’t confuse a pantomime with a mime. Pantomime is an age-old British theater tradition. A "mime" is a French dude you punch at the mall. 3) Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

4) I despise rioters who loot stores and I'd like to see them shot on sight. Nowadays, to be politically correct, you can't call them looters. You have to call them undocumented shoppers. I'd still shoot 'em on sight, but in a politically correct manner. 5) George Washington’s brother, Murray, was the Uncle of Our Country......and that's five!

Bonus Sixth: HBO's pseudo comedian Bill Mahr is an asshole! Not funny, but oh so true!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Pisces - March 16th: In the land that time forgot, everyone had a hard time. The Nigerian bank that is holding your email-friend's money does not exist. Dandruff and bad breath is not the best way to ward off unwanted advances. Prognostication is not a good word when you are guessing the color of a lady's real hair color. Your lucky horse for today is: Sombrero's Lid. You yearn to be a farmer just so that you can be out standing in your field.

Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your leg, this week. If you can't tell your ass from your elbow, it might be time to lose some weight. Flabby arms are not attractive to anyone but the walking dead or possibly alley cats and dogs. Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running naked in the streets.

Birthdays: My pal Billy. Happy Birthday Bud! 19XX, James Madison, American President 1751, Georg Simon Ohm. physicist 1787, Reza Shah Pahlevi, shah of Iran 1877, Henny Youngman, comedian 1906, Jerry Lewis, comedian 1926, Daniel Patrick Moynihan, sociologist and politician 1927, Bernardo Bertolucci, filmmaker 1940.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.......Oh My God...!" Then silence.

Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" An old man in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

A man was feeling old and decided to have a face lift to enhance his chances with younger women. He spent $5,000 and felt really good about the result. One day, he popped into the coffee shop and bought a cup of coffee. Before leaving he says to the waitress, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" The waitress replied, "About 35." The man, feeling very happy, said, "I'm actually 47 years old." After that, he goes to the bus stop to go home.

While waiting ing there, an old woman strolls up and he asks her the same question. She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

Being as there was nobody around, the man thought, "What the hell" and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says "You are 47 years old." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was standing behind you in the coffee shop."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. The waiter, in broken English, replies, "These are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today." The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious.

So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them, are much smaller than the ones I had last night." The waiter replies, "Si, senor, the bull, he does not always lose."

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a group of politicians partying on a large yacht. Abruptly, the yacht hit a reef, caught fire and began to sink. The politicians scrambled to the side of the sinking yacht and jumped into the sea.

The father shark said to his son, "Follow me" and they swam toward the politicians. The father shark said, "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.... The father shark said, "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.... The father shark said, "Now we eat everybody." And they did....

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent said, "Sorry sir, no animals allowed on the theater." The old farmer said, "But that's my pet rooster. Wherever I go, he goes." The agent said, "I'm sorry sir." The farmer went aroubd the corner and stuffed the rooster down his overalls. He returned to the ticket booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows, Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so the rooster could have more air.

Mildred whispered, "Marge, I think the guy next to me is a pervert." Marge asked, "What makes you think so?" Mildred whispered, "He undid his pants and he has his thing out." Marged said, "Don't worry about it, at our age we've seen 'em all." Mildred whispered, "I thought so too, but this one's eating my popcorn."

That's it for today my little duckings. Remember, the definition of a recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you loose yours. It's hump day! Anybody up for happy hour in AREA51? More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

These deserve a Pull-it-sir prize:
The News As I See It: President Obozo said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obozo said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter.

Due to the recession, there are now 15,000 fewer lawyers in the U.S. No one ever talks about the good things that come from a recession.

And I hope Sherry doesn't get the one about 'cojones' when she gets here!
Thanks good post!
Sherry & Jack stuck up in Michigan, and that isn't a song!

Paula said...

I haven't thought of the good old days of filling stations in a long time. I even still have a set of horoscope black mugs with gold writing. They gave one with each fill-up.

Janice said...

Loved your flip phone. Could have used it one day lastr week. LOL

(W.T.)Bill Edgman said...

That Spanish waiter sounds like a Cuban to me. Loved your post today Jimmy.