Friday, March 25, 2011

I Can See Clearly Now.....

I went to the optometrist today to get new sun glasses. It was either that or get a seeing eye dog. Since my insurance doesn't cover the seeing eye dog, I went with the eye doctor. The exam went fine and they made a slight correction to my prescription.

I went to the next room to select new glasses and the technician left me alone for a few minutes to browse. With the exception of the designer names boldly emblazoned on each set of glasses, they all looked the same to me. I had finally settled on a few styles to try when the technician returned.

The tech then brought two trays of glasses. The only mental image I can give you is that the selection looked like rejects from Elton John, Stevie Wonder and the Cuban refugees arriving in Miami in the early 1960's.

I told the tech that I had settled on two or three pairs on the adjacent display case. She said, "Those aren't covered by your insurance. These two trays are the only ones covered." I said, "Then my choices are to pay cash out of pocket or look like Desi Arnaz? Come on Lucy, give me a little help here." The tech said, "I'm sorry, but that's the facts."

I selected my glasses and left to go home, strangely feeling the desire to sing "Babalu......"

The News As I See It: It’s being reported that Moammar Gadhafi is surrounded by an elite core of beautiful female bodyguards. In a related story, Charlie Sheen invaded Libya. Sheen is still a big story because, to be quite honest, none of us know where Libya is.

We’re fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we’d be fighting if President Obozo hadn’t won the Nobel Peace Prize. This would be funnier if it wasn't true. Obozo wins a Peace Prize less than ten months into his first term? What a joke!

President Obozo cut his trip to Latin America short by a few hours because of the situation in Libya. So to everyone who said Obozo didn’t care about Libya, you’re wrong. He cares three hours worth. Personally, I think he returned early to check on his NCAA basketball brackets.

The Pentagon says that U.S. operations in Libya are limited and have a definite end date. Right! We still have troops in Germany.

Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya. When the Germans don’t want to fight and the French do, the whole world is upside down. It’s one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he’s getting beaten up by the French. Gadhafi must really have a crummy army if the French can beat him. During World War II, every time a car backfired, ten French soldiers surrendered.

The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community. This explains their new name, the "National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People."

President Obozo had to use another door to get into the White House yesterday after he got home from South America and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. When he couldn’t get in, Obama said, "Holy shit, is it 2012 already?"

This Date In History: 1634; Maryland was founded by settlers sent by the late Lord Baltimore. 1894; Jacob Sechler Coxey and his "army" of unemployed men began their march from Ohio to Washington, DC. 1911; A fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist Co. in New York City killed 145 workers. 1931; The Scottsboro boys were arrested in Alabama.

1934; Horton Smith won the first Masters golf tournament at Augusta National in Georgia. 1957; The European Economic Community was established by the Treaty of Rome. 1975; King Faisal of Saudi Arabia was shot and killed by his nephew. 1994; U.S. troops withdrew from Somalia.

Picture Of The Day: This photoshop picture came out soon after Elizabeth Taylor's death and it struck my fancy.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've read about the danger and evils of drinking alcohol, so I gave up reading. 2) I was once pulled over in Miami because the police officer thought I had been drinking. He asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in the state was. I said, "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?" 3) Three hundred sixty-five days of drinking low-calorie beer equals one light year. 4) Yeah, I know, some people are against drinking and driving, but you know, sometimes you've just got no choice. Those kids gotta get to school. 5) When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!.....and that's five!

Bonus Sixth: You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a bar stool as a walker to get home.

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - March 25th: All of that which you experience today will be catalogued under "things not to do in public again". Your talents dictate that you will not go so far. You will be glad of a loved one's ability to almost painlessly remove splinters from your ass without asking how they got there. You may never find what you're looking for, but at least you managed to find that picture of the chimp sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper. Deja vu is not a Thai dish that you had two weeks ago.

Birthdays: Arturo Toscanini, conductor 1867, Bela Bartok, composer 1881,
Howard Cosell, sports commentator 1920, Simone Signoret, actress 1921,
Flannery O'Connor, author 1925, Gloria Steinem, journalist and feminist 1934, Aretha Franklin, soul singer 1942, Elton John, musician, singer, songwriter 1947, Sarah Jessica Parker, actress
1965.


The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough and said, "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

The young guy replied, "You're on, old man." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you."

The man said, "Wait, if I take two aspirin, the winking stops!" The interviewer said, "Really? Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms, red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

The interviewer says, "That's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" The man says, "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" The interviewer says, "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" The man says, "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for a bottle of aspirin?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Julie for her contribution to today's stories. Thanks Jules!

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume and regretfully explained to her that he had nothing worthy of her talents. The woman answered that she really needed work and would take almost anything. The personnel manager hemmed and hawed and finally said that he did have a low-skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line, but nothing else. The woman happily accepted his offer. He took her down to the line, explained her duties, and told her to report at 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at the personnel manager's door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager came in and started ranting about the woman who had just been hired. After listening to how badly backed up the assembly line was, the personnel manager suggested that the line manager show him the problem. Together they went down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos were backed up from here to kingdom come.

Right at the end of the line was the woman who had just been hired. She had pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos, and had a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, took two marbles, and started sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager walked over to the new employee, and said, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number nine." Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that?" Boudreaux says, "Tree and tree and tree makes nine."

The boss says, "Fair enough. Second questions, same rules, but represent ninety-nine." Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree and says, "Der ya go sir." he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent ninety-nine?" Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat's ninety-nine."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number three. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 1one hundred." Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - one hundred." The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents one hundred."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and takes a shit by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start my job?"

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again and says, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

That's it for today my little beannie babies. Remember, you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive on the expressway. Have a fantastic weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

8 comments:

Paula said...

Good week-end to you and thanks for the laughs.

Linda's World said...

Haven't been around much...getting ready to leave town. He decided to go no matter what the gas price ~ because next year it could be worse. First destination~Northstar Tahoe so he can ski. I'll try and send you a postcard from somewhere. Won't be home till the end of April. I'll have my laptop but the Internet access I have is a pay as you go type deal.

garnett109 said...

Jimmy , Nothing is covered by insurance anymore!

Myra said...

And you probably paid a hefty price!! Amazing how even the insured, get less.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Thanks Jimmy it is always a pleasure to visit you ~ you always give me something to smile about ~ Ally x

jack69 said...

I was worried about the Sun Glasses, now you can see in the sin. Then I was worried that you can't see at night. Sherry says he don't read in the dark, he seems to .... Oh, That's ok I got it.!
Take care and have a good weekend.

From the land of no spring and no sun!!

Karen said...

President Obozzo?? You are so funny!!!

Julie said...

I am due for more glasses also and can't wait to see what strange frames we get to pick from this year, Last year I got rhinestones, eik. Loved all the stories and just have to thank you for the lovely complement about my turkey shots. Gee Jimmy, you rock.