My Fellow Americans:
My name is Lying Politician and I'm a candidate for (president, congress, mayor, city council, dog catcher....whatever). My opponent, Thieving Politician, is a wife beater, communist, socialist, drunkard, and car thief. If elected, I will cut your taxes, stop the war, buy you a car, send your children to college and mow your lawn. Please vote for me in November.
This is the new politics of America. Insult the opponent, promise the voters anything knowing full well that you're a lying thief and be as vague as possible about your background and true self. Politicians are lower than whale shit and that's quite a feat indeed, seeing that whale shit is at the bottom of the ocean.
Elizabeth Taylor died this morning due to complications with congestive heart failure. The iconic, glamorous star was an outstanding actress and described by Gene Seymour for CNN as, the "Last Star." An outstanding woman in many ways, managing to outlive her New York Times obituary writer, Elizabeth Taylor left her mark on the world. She starred in many movies, among them National Velvet, Cleopatra, Butterfield 8 and Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe, the latter two movies garnering her Oscars for her performances. Ms. Taylor was 79 years old.
The News As I See It: Everyone is focused on basketball's March Madness but there haven’t been any games in a few days. It’s been so boring that President Obozo has decided to focus on the situations in Libya and Japan.
Remember when President Obozo was campaigning for the presidency saying we can’t fight two wars and vowing to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we’re fighting three wars. Obozo said America will send economic aid to Libya to help the Libyan people reach their dreams. And if that works, he'll try it here.
News reports say that 10,000 to 15,000 people each day are coming across the border from Libya into Egypt. Or as they call it in California, a 'trickle.'" The strikes on Libya are costing $100 million. Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts.
Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Israel. There was an awkward moment when she asked, "So this keeps the Mexicans out?" Palin says she likes all religions, "whether they celebrate Christmas or Jewish."
It rained really hard on the Los Angeles Marathon. Fortunately, unlike other marathons, in the L.A. Marathon you’re allowed to drive your car. The rains didn't seem to bother the Mexican population in L.A. I guess it was like the Rio Grande river rolling off a mexican duck's back.
An Ethiopian man won the marathon and broke all the records. He had never run in a race and he had a bad stomach going into it. In fact, he didn’t even know he was in a marathon.
Cocaine was found at the Kennedy Space Center. It’s one small step for man, and one giant leap for Charlie Sheen.
This Date In History: 1775; Patrick Henry declared "Give me liberty, or give me death." 1806; Lewis and Clark began their return journey east. 1919; Benito Mussolini founded his own party in Italy, the Fasci di Combattimento. 1983; U.S. President Ronald Reagan proposed a space-based missile defense system called the Strategic Defense Initiative or "Star Wars."
1998; The motion picture epic “Titanic” won 11 Oscars at the 70th Academy Awards, tying it with "Ben-Hur" for the most ever. 2001; Russia's Mir space station ended its 15-year orbit of the Earth, splashing down in the South Pacific. 2003; A U.S. Army convoy was ambushed in Iraq with 11 killed and seven captured, including Pfc. Jessica Lynch.
Picture Of The Day: Of all the Liz Taylor movies, I remember National Velvet the most distinctly. See the movie at a young age left fond memories of Ms. Taylor, Mickey Rooney and especially Velvet.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why is Wednesday called "Hump Day" when most people get laid on the weekends? 2) One of the major reasons that beer has always maintained it's popularity is that it's been helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C. 3) Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. 4) Good sex can correct poor posture or at least make you stand up straight. 5) I believe in safe sex! I've got a handrail all around the bed.....and that's five!
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - March 23rd: The accuracy of any horoscope today will be directly related to the number of crazy things you do. A skydiving accident may befall you if you go skydiving. On the other hand, you have five fingers. The chances are that staying at home and doing the same things as every other day will not harm your chances of having a good day. You will be plagued by happy people, but don't be swayed by them, stay miserable. Many shoes in your closet are a sign that you have an eventful life and are nothing to be embarrassed about....with the exception of the boots with six inch heels and matching whip.
Birthdays: Sweet Larissa - Happy Birthday Beautiful ! 19XX, My pal Vega - Happy B-day Bud 19XX, John Bartram, botanist 1699, Pierre Simon Laplace, astronomer and mathematician 1749, William Smith, geologist 1769, Juan Gris, artist 1887, Erich Fromm, psychoanalyst and author 1900, Joan Crawford, actress 1908, Akira Kurosawa, Japanese film director, scriptwriter, and producer 1910, Wernher von Braun, scientist 1912, Donald Malcolm Campbell, automobile and boat racer 1921, Roger Bannister, physician, athlete 1929.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A woman was at the doctor's office with her husband. She took the doctor aside and said, "I don't want to say anything in front of my husband, but, lately, he's been buying Purina Dog Chow at the grocery store and eating it as a snack."
The doctor said, "That's unusual. Is he doing anything else that seems strange?" The woman says, "Yes, when I'm driving, he likes to stick his head out of the window for the fresh air." The doctor says, "This sounds like he may have Canus Complexus. In layman's terms, he may think that he's a dog."
The woman lamented, "That sounds serious, doctor. Is there anything you can do for him?" The doctor replied, "Yes, it could kill him. But there's a new drug that I can give him that should help. You mix it in with his food along with some wet dog food. After a while the drug and dog food mixture will begin to make him sick when he eats the dog chow and it should return him to normal."
Six months passed and the doctor happened to see the woman at the shopping mall dressed in black. The doctor greeted the woman and asked, "How is your husband?" The woman sadly told the doctor, "He passed away two weeks ago." The doctor was deeply moved and said, "My sincere condolences. I really thought that the dog food and drug mixture would have cured him, not killed him"
Then woman said, "Oh, no doctor. The dog food and drugs mixture didn't bother him at all." The doctor asked, "Then, how did he die?" The woman replied, "He was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls and a dump truck ran over him."
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. She replied coolly, "Your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies. "Wow! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door and says, "Brenda, may I come in? I've somethin' to tell ya." Mrs. O'Malley says, "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" Tim says, "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda cries, "Oh Lord no! Please don't tell me...." Tim said, "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" Tim says, "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." Brenda cried, "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" Tim says, "Well, no Brenda...fact is, he got out three times to pee."Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
That's it for today my little chicken fingers. Remember, it isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. I think I'll head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !