Monday, May 23, 2011

The End Is Not Near - Back To Work !

According to some dimwit, the world was supposed to end last Saturday. I should have known. I checked the weather and there was only a 10 percent chance of apocalypse. My first thought when I heard the news was that it would would really suck if I only got to live three weeks longer than Osama bin Laden.

Actually, it could be that the apocalypse actually occurred and a lot of people went to heaven and just left me here in heathen with all of my pals.

Obama went to Ireland, Yep, he returned to the homeland. After months of examination, Jimmy's Journal has learned that the anointed one has some Irish blood. Although it's rare, many years ago, his forefather Finnegan Begin Again O'Bama visited Kenya for a weekend representing Ireland in the International Beer Drinking finals. Finnegan did not win, but was seen after the event, drunkenly wandering the local village. The rest is history.....

The News As I See It: A new study found out that having money and good looks does not make you happy. On the other hand, being broke and ugly is not day at the beach either.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million because Arnold knocked up their maid and fathered a child. I know what's going to happen. Arnold will check into a sex addiction clinic and next season the maid will go on "Dancing with the Stars."

The idiot that predicted judgment day predicted the end of the world in 1994. He also predicted that Ashton Kutcher would never return to television

President Obozo offered $1 billion to Egypt to boost the creation of new jobs. And if that works, they’re going to try it here.

This Date In History: 1430; Joan of Arc was captured by the Burgundians and subsequently sold to the English. 1788; South Carolina became the 8th state in United States. 1830; The Baltimore and Ohio Railroad began the first passenger service in the United States.

1873; The North West Mounted Police force was formed in Canada. It would later be known as the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 1911; The New York Public Library, at the time the largest marble structure ever built in the United States, was dedicated by President Taft in New York City after 16 years of construction.

1934; Bonnie (Parker) and Clyde (Barrow) were killed in a police shootout. 1945; Heinrich Himmler, head of Adolf Hitler’s Gestapo, committed suicide while in prison. 1949; The German Federal Republic came into existence.

Picture Of The Day: Ya gotta love the picture of the Pakistani who gave up Osama bin Laden for the 25 million dollar reward. I know I've seen that guy somewhere.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 2) I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than have driven with Ted Kennedy. 3) I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. 4) Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send me $10 dollars. 5) I think the only reason my parents gave me a middle name was so that I could tell when I was really in trouble.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - May 23rd: You smell as sweet as you look. Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins, this week.
Your funny bone may have disappeared momentarily. However, it may turn up where you least expect it.

Beauty and misery are a package pair for you today so look for hope in all your endeavors. Admitting to shooting the sheriff is not a good alibi when being accused of shooting the deputy. You might find yourself on the wrong end of the night stick. Love is in the air. No, it's not jasmine, it's love....!

Birthdays: Carolus Linnaeus, botanist 1707, Charles Barry, architect 1795, Margaret Fuller, writer 1810, Alfred Pritchard Sloan, Jr., businessman and philanthropist 1875, Douglas Fairbanks, actor 1883, John Bardeen, physicist 1908, Anatoly Karpov, chess master 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $1000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $1000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $1000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The old man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he married the one with the biggest tits.

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. The man said, "Well, it was like this. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. That's when I made my big mistake."

The doctor asked, "What did you do?" The man said, "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Skip for their contributions to today's stories.

A blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked the blonde if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. She pondered the question then, finally said, "Yes, that was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. Good morning, Miss Whack. I'd like to get a $30,000 loan." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says, "My name is Kermit Jagger and my dad is Mick Jagger. Don't worry about funding the loan, I know the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this" and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

That's it for today my little rubber baby buggy bumpers. Remember, as you get older three things happen. The first is that your memory goes. I can't remember the other two. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

I was really into the old man's decision which girlfriend to marry. You got me.

Julie said...

Funny funny

Missy said...

lol @ the cow joke.

And I never believed the world was going to end.