I renewed my driver's license yesterday and I carefully made a list as to what I needed to bring for the renewal. I went early so that I could get through the process as soon as possible. When I arrived, there were no lines and the first question I was asked was, "Did you bring your birth certificate?" Crap!
So off I went, fuming, driving back to my house in total disbelief that I had forgotten my birth certificate. As I got back into the car to go back to the DMV, I realized there was no reason to be angry over something that I couldn't change.
When I arrived for the second time, there still were no long lines. I presented the required documents, took the eye exam and had my picture taken. When the clerk told me the charges and fees, I handed her my Visa card. She said, "Sorry, we don't take Visa." What? Yep, any other card but Visa. Crap!
Since I did have enough cash, I had to drive back to my bank, get the cash and return to the DMV. When I returned to the DMV for the third time, there was a line, but the lady must have felt sorry for me and she allowed me to go to the front of the line, pay and get the hell out.... or so I thought. Nope! They got the address wrong on my license. Crap! Crap! Crap!
When I finally got out of there, I drove straight home and stayed in the house for the rest of the day.... until happy hour!
The News As I See It: Dancing With the Stars has new stars each season just like "Two and a Half Men." They say dancing helps older people improve their memories, but that’s still not going to get me to dance. Also, they say dancing helps older people improve their memories.
A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress. Yeah, but so can hiring someone else to do it for you. Just ask Maria Shriver.
According to Osama bin Laden’s diaries, he wanted to attack Los Angeles. He changed his mind when he realized he didn’t have anything against the Mexican people.
President Obozo told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed. Then he went to England where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders.
Herman Cain the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, announced that he’s running for president. This is cool, if his campaign isn’t over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free. The republicans' new slogan will be "Our Black candidate is better than your Black candidate." That ought to put "Podium" Al Sharpton out of business for a while.
This Date In History: 1787; The Constitutional Convention convened in Philadelphia under the leadership of George Washington, in order to establish a new U.S. government. 1925; John Scopes was indicted for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution.
1935; American track star Jesse Owens broke three world records and tied another in a little over an hour. 1935; The legendary Babe Ruth hit his 714th and final home run against the Pittsburgh Pirates. His record stood until Hank Aaron broke it in 1974.
1965; Muhammad Ali knocked Sonny Liston out cold in the first round, after 1 minute and 56 seconds, for the world heavyweight title 1968; The Gateway Arch was dedicated in St. Louis. 1969; Midnight Cowboy, the only x-rated film to win a best picture Oscar, was released.
1979; The worst air disaster in U.S. history (excluding the Sept. 11 attacks) occurred when a DC-10 crashed at Chicago's O'Hare airport, killing over 270 people.
Picture Of The Day: Tuesday was just "one of those days" when everything you touch turns to caca. That is until until you see the picture of the day below and realize that things could have been a lot worse.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle. 2) A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows. 3) Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name. 4) If rabbit's feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? 5) Not only did my ex-wife drive me crazy, she made me pay for the gas.....and that's five!
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - May 25th: Nobody can stop you as you make that important break through this week. Be wary of all new friends today as they may turn out to be Russian spies or amateur astronomers.Many of the people you admire are going to have incredible fortune this week once the anti-stalking court orders they've filed against you are completed.
Fire, brimstone and the devil's genitals - none of these will get in your way as you chase your way through Beelzebub's lair in order to land yourself the prize catch you aim for. Be careful as you approach your chosen one. Remember those stalking charges.
Birthdays: Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803, Igor Ivanovich Sikorsky, Inventor 1889, Gene Tunney, boxer 1897, Robert Ludlum, novelist 1927, Beverly Sills, singer 1929, Frank Oz, puppeteer 1944, Jamaica Kincaid, writer 1949.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was just coming out of anesthesia after surgery in the hospital and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open and he murmured, "You`re beautiful." Flattered, she continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You`re cute." His wife asked, "What happened to `beautiful`?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Lord, can you build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong." The Lord though for a moment and then replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge to Hawaii?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
A typical macho man married a fine young lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules, saying, "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner."
He continued, "I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at eleven o'clock every night....whether you're here or not."
A man picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ, it's a bit on the small side." Hurt, the man replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" The Lord answered, "What's the problem, Eve?" Eve said, "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
The Lord said, "Why is that, Eve?" Eve said, "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." The Lord said, "Well, Eve, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." Eve said, "What's a 'man', Lord?" The Lord said, "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time."
The Lord went on, "But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." Eve said, "Sounds great." The Lord said, "Well you can have him on one condition." Eve said, "What's that, Lord?" The Lord said, "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
That's it for today my tiddly winks. Remember, if you're wearing tight shoes, you forget all about your problems! I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. I don't need toght shoes there. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !