Monday, May 2, 2011

Gotcha !

What else can be said? Words that come to mind have been already expressed by millions all across America and the rest of the world upon hearing that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by Navy Seals in Pakistan. The main thought that I had a upon hearing the news was that a message has been sent all across the world that America, when provoked, will come after you and sooner or later, you will pay the price.

It's been too long since America rose like a tiger to smite a murderer and aggressor like Bin Laden. It is my sincere hope that would be terrorists around the world have gotten a distinct and clear message that we will respond to whatever aggression that is thrust on the United States. God Bless America!

A 37-year-old-woman was arrested in the Florida Keys last week after she crashed into the back of a pick-up truck. While the news of someone being arrested in the Keys is not headline news, this particular arrest was of particular interest to me since I used to spend quite a bit of time there.

No, the woman wasn't on her cellphone and she wasn't texting, either. The Florida Highway Patrol says the woman was driving while shaving, uh....driving while shaving her....uh, "bikini area." Well, that's what the cops called it.

Florida Highway Patrol officers said that the ex-husband was actually doing the steering -- from the passenger seat, of course. Officers said they determined that in addition to this bit of "landscaping" behind the wheel, the woman was already driving with a suspended license, just one day after she was convicted of driving under the influence.

The woman and her ex-husband reportedly drove another half-mile before being pulled over. The officer explained, "She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit." Hah! I knew there was a logical explanation.

Although the name and photo of the woman was released by CBS affiliate WFOR, I don't feel it will serve any real purpose to display it. I can tell you that, back in the day, the motto in the Keys was "Go ugly, early." Roughly translated, it means there are many beautiful people in the Keys, but most are either with partners or are quickly taken up. If you haven't found yourself an ugly one early, chances are you'll end up by yourself.

As an afterthought, you, yourself, may be the one that has been chosen under the "Go ugly, early" theme.

The News As I See It: America is fascinated by royal weddings because there’s no monarchy in the United States. The closest we could get would be if Larry King married Queen Latifah.

Former Sarah Palin son-in-law LeviJohnston is now writing a book about the Palin family. He's not writing it himself. He's using a ghost moron. Levi and the publisher already have a title worked out for the book. It’s called "I Need Money" by Levi Johnston."

After releasing his birth certificate, President Obozo said, "There's work to be done, there are real problems in this country, and we don't have time for this silliness." Then he and Michelle got on a plane and flew to Chicago to tape an episode of Oprah.

The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That's a long trip for Joe O'Biden.

This Date In History: 1885; Good Housekeeping magazine went on sale for the first time. 1939; Lou Gehrig established a new major-league baseball record when he played his 2,130th consecutive game. It would take another 57 years before Cal Ripken, Jr., broke it. 1945; The Soviet Union announced the fall of Berlin. 1955; Tennessee Williams won the Pulitzer Prize in Drama for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.

1969; The British ocean liner Queen Elizabeth II departed on her maiden voyage to New York. 1994; Nelson Mandela was victorious in South Africa’s first multiracial election. 1997; The Labour Party’s Tony Blair became Prime Minister of Britain, ending 18 years of conservative rule. At 44, he was the youngest prime minister in 185 years.

Picture Of The Day: The best picture I know of to show America's heart and courage. Well worth more than a thousand words.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The reason that it's so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking is because those men already have boyfriends. 2) I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 3) Impotence is nature's way of saying "No hard feelings". 4) I once saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough." 5) Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - May 2nd: Your aim to drink eight glasses of water today may come crashing down on you when you're stuck in traffic later this week. The week may start well, but fall into sharp decline later on Saturday. An email may arrive in your mailbox today informing you that either you've won a competition or someone in the office loves you. I'm guessing it's the latter and it's probably Miss Crabtree in accounting.

Birthdays: Alessandro Scarlatti, composer 1660, Catherine the Great, czarina of Russia (1762–96) 1729, Elijah J. McCoy, inventor 1843, Theodor Herzl, Zionist 1860, Baron Manfred von Richthofen also known as The Red Baron, World War I fighting ace and aviator 1892, Benjamin Spock, pediatrician 1903.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A girl from the South and a girl from the West Coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from South, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya'll from?" The West Coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from....bitch?"

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?" His attorney said, "Yes, Bubba, it's true." Bubba said, "And now someone is suing those fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all those burgers and fries?" His attorney replied, "Sure is, Bubba."

Bubba asked, "And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was given that hot coffee that she ordered?" The attorney said, "Yep." Bubba went on, "And that basketball player that sued that university when he graduated and still couldn't read?" The attorney answered, "That's right, Bubba. Why are you asking?" Bubba said, "Well, I was thinking. Can I sue Budweiser for all those ugly women I slept with?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Pat in the U.K. for her contribution to today's stories.

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "Doctor, I hope you don't mind Johnny being in there." The doctor calmly replied, "No, he'll quiet down when he gets to the poisons."

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing and said, "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The lady replied, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, "I'll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we'll just tighten the screw a little and the wrinkles will disappear!"

The woman was enthused and told the doctor to go ahead with it. The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" The surgeon looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags under your eyes, they're your tits and if you keep messing around with that screw, pretty soon you're going to have a goatee!"

That's it for today, my little munchkins. Remember, a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

Crying Tears Of Happiness Here Jimmy!

Julie said...

I am happy he finally got what he deserved, and hiding behind a woman using her as a shield, what a coward. And really 6 should be enough! I spilled my coffee, Thanks for the laughs as usual my friend.

Rose said...

I don't understand why they gave him a proper burial according to his religion! He certainly did not deserve it.

Missy said...

I'm glad he's finally dead. People like that just don't belong here.


Paula said...

Indeed God Bless America