Friday, May 13, 2011

Friday The 13th

The fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskevidekatriaphobia or friggatriskaidekaphobia (Frigga being the name of the Norse goddess for whom "Friday" is named and triskaidekaphobia meaning fear of the number thirteen). Personally, I have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, which is the fear of long words.

Arizona has continuously asked the Obozo administration for more help in enforcing the U.S.-Mexico border and the prevention of illegal immigration and crime. The Obozo administration has said that the borders are safe and secure and monies would be better spent in building a high speed rail which would improve travel and boost the economy. I believe that I have found a way to satisfy both parties. Here's a thought. Let's build a high speed rail system from Arizona to Mexico and kill two birds with one stone.

The News As I See It: President Obozo gave a big speech at the U.S.-Mexico border, talking about creating pathways to citizenship. We already have pathways. They’re called illegal immigrant tunnels. Obozo’s approval rating is the highest in two years. Experts say that at this rate, Obama can count on re-election if he just kills bin Laden two more times.

Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander.

McDonald’s is undergoing a billion-dollar makeover, to be more like Starbucks — snobby, overpriced, and full of unemployed people.

The White House held "poetry night" Wednesday night and one of Michele Obozo's invitees was a rapper known as "Common". His controversial and questionable song lyrics about convicted cop-killer and former Black Panther Assata Shakur created a rash of inquiries as to why he was invited. Hey, what are you going to do? Family is family....

Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, "What happened to the last guy?"

When President Obozo gave his Texas campaign speech about how great it is to have immigrants in our country, Maria Shriver called the media and offered to give the rebuttal. According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria, back. He’s even willing to learn English.

This Date In History: 1568; Mary Queen of Scots was defeated at the Battle of Langside and immediately fled to North England. 1846; The United States formally declared war on Mexico after several days of fighting. 1938; Louis Armstrong and his orchestra recorded the New Orleans's jazz classic, When the Saints Go Marching In, on Decca Records.
1940; Winston Churchill gave his first speech as prime minister: "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat." 1973; Tennis male chauvinist Bobby Riggs defeated Margaret Smith Court, 6-2, 6-1 in front of a world-wide television audience. 1981; Pope John Paul II was shot and wounded by Mehmet Ali Agca as he drove through a crowd in St. Peter's Square, Rome.

Picture Of The Day: I wish I could take credit for this picture, but I must admit I pilfered it from my facebook pal Pat from the U.KU. Someone in photoshop land discovered how similar the pictures from the Royal Wedding are to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Everything is edible. It's that some things are only edible once. 2) My ex-secretary had no patience. She said, "If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!" 3) My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years. 4) I think dog people should marry dog people and cat people should marry cat people. 5) I used have a Shetland pony named Penelope. One summer Penelope was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail, so I rented her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus May 18th: Today might not be the best day to search for spycams in your home. There are specially trained monkeys that can locate the spycams, but they also have the tendency to poop on your carpet. Destiny is something that you hardly ever think about. Praying to false gods may seem like a good idea this week, but be careful as you may become friends with a self-proclaimed tribal warrior named Murray.

Most of your dreams will come true over the coming weekend, so prepare for wealth, love and romance. You may think later this week that your computer has been hacked by your sexy 19 year old neighbor, Marie, but you will soon come to realize that actually your pet ferret has chewed through the cord of your mouse.

Birthdays: Maria Theresa, queen of Bohemia and Hungary 1717, Henry William Stiegel, iron and glass manufacturer 1729, Sir Arthur Sullivan, composer 1842, Georges Braque, painter 1882, Joe Louis, world heavyweight boxing champion 1914, Harvey Keitel, actor 1939, Stevie Wonder, singer, composer, producer 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ray-Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Ray-Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them." Dewey then asked "What the hell did you do?" Ray-Ray replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Dewey said, "That's not against the law." Ray-Ray replied, "That's what I thought, but those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought it was!"

A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest glared at him and replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
The drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, saying, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young man at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00" The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?" The Indian says, "yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, ""you're on" The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana" The cowboy, dejected, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff."

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas" The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?" The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A little monkey sitting at the bar gets up on the bar and pisses in the beer. The man asks the bartender, "Who owns that damned monkey?" The barman replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?" The piano player replies, "No, but if you can hum it, I can play it."

A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

That's it for today, my little piccolo players. Remember, if you are asked to join a parade, don't walk behind the elephants. It's Friday and my thoughts turn to Happy Hour in AREA 51. Have a fantastic weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Have a nice week-end.

jack69 said...

Jimmy my man! Been reading laughing but too tired to punch the keys. Loved this line:
Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander.

That is cool!!!

I figger that was your monkey and you at the piano!!!

Love from the Real Estate Business hahahahaha!

(Who said houses weren't selling?)

Rose said...

I'm with Jack, I also love the Donald Trump line!

Hugs, Rose

Missy said...

"Let's build a high speed rail system from Arizona to Mexico and kill two birds with one stone."