Wednesday, May 4, 2011

They Said "72 Virgins" Not "Vegans" !

I congratulate President Obama for his decision to send U.S. Navy Seals into Pakistan to kill bin Laden. A difficult decision at best, knowing that the mission could have failed. That said, Obama did not kill bin Laden. American Navy Seals did. Obama just happened to be the one in office when the CIA and our military finally found the bastard and shot him in the head. This is not an Obama victory. It is an American victory!

Obama says that he will not release the Osama bin Laden death photo. After seeing Americans jumping to their deaths from the World Trade Center, I would look forward to seeing the picture. Better yet, they should put them on a set of limited edition commemorative plates. I do want to point out that "buried at sea" means "dumped in the ocean." I think that his could be the best Shark Week ever, but that's just me.....

The News As I See It: There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.

TheJournal of Animal Ethics says that it’s insulting to call animals "pets" and they should be called "animal companions." They say "pet" is the most insulting thing you could call an animal, except in North Korea, where they’re called "dinner."

Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are dead. If you’re Moammar Gadhafi, living in exile is starting to sound really good.

NATO bombed Gadhafi’s compound in Tripoli. The bombing damaged countless antique rugs and curtains, leaving Gadhafi with absolutely nothing to wear.

Starbucks is quickly becoming a popular place for thieves to steal iPads, laptops, and purses. It’s pretty crazy. I mean, can you imagine getting robbed while you’re just trying to pay $7 for a cup of coffee.

The National Basketball Association has announced that it will use metal detectors at all playoff games to screen for weapons. Coaches have complained that this will eliminate half of the players.

This Date In History: 1626; Peter Minuit landed in Manhattan, which he later bought for $24 worth of cloth and brass buttons. 1886; The Haymarket Square riot broke out as a result of a labor demonstration. 1932; Public Enemy Number One, Al Capone, was jailed for tax evasion.

1959; The first Grammy Awards were held. 1961; Civil rights activists, called "freedom riders," left Washington, DC for New Orleans. 1970; Four Kent State University students were shot down by National Guard members during an anti-Vietnam War demonstration. 1998;

The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, was sentenced to four life terms plus 30 years for his series of bombings that killed three and injured 23.

Picture Of The Day: I wonder if bin Laden said to his wife when the Seals arrived, "Maybe it's the Maytag repairman?"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I once got in a fight with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." 2) The sexual position, more commonly known as 69 will now be known as 96. Due to the economy, it now costs more to eat out than it used to. 3) Baby, does this hankerchief smell like chloroform to you? 4) To be sure I always hit the target, I shoot first and call whatever I hit the target. 5) Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - May 4th: You may feel like today has started like a horror story, but it will get better around lunchtime. Bones may become a problem for you this week as you take a walk through a cemetery. Screaming may be on the agenda for you, as well. Art is always something you've admired from a distance, but today you may choose to embrace your pinker side. Changing your lifestyle and underwear is always a good start.

Birthdays: Horace Mann, educator 1796, Thomas Henry Huxley, biologist 1825, Frederick Church, artist 1826, Hosni Mubarak, president of Egypt 1928, Audrey Hepburn, actress 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. The man said, "Officer, I have a good excuse." The officer said, "I don't have time for this right now. Just be quiet. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." The man said, "But officer, I just wanted to say..." The oficer said,"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." The man said, "Don't count on it, I'm the bridegroom."

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. She said, "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

James stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the heck is taking so long?" James replied, "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony. I want to make a perfect shot." His partner said, "Forget it. You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here."

A first grade class comes in from recess. The teacher asks Alice, "What did you do at recess?" Alice says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie.

The teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me." The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

Three little brothers were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure."

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Catholic, because they pour the water on you."

The middle brother said, "We're not Babtists, because they dunk all of you in the water and we're not Methodists, because they just sprinkle you."The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest boy said, "Yeah! What do you think that means?" The littlest one said, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."

That's it for today, my little orange blossoms. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you! It's hump day and chances are that I'll be in AREA 51 by happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Good entry. Lots of funny jokes and pictures.

Linda's World said...

Hopefully his buddies won't take revenge for his death. We don't need another 9-11, anywhere in the free world. Suffering in this AZ dry heat...anxious to get back to cool, damp Washington

Julie said...

The jokes cracked me up today, I feel slightly guilty about laughing about someone getting killed.... then I remembered and laughed again. You Da Man Jimmy.

garnett109 said...

Jimmy Have A great Bin Laden Free Day!