Monday, May 30, 2011


As you enjoy this Memorial Day holiday with your family and friends, please take the time to remember and pay tribute to the men and women of the Armed Forces, both past and present, whose dedication and service make America the land of the free. God Bless America.

Maybe it's just me, but have you seen Walmart's newest commercial which uses the phrase "Match it"? The commercial begins with a young woman showing a Walmart cashier a competing ad in which the product sells for twenty cents less..... (Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.)

Now I don't know about the employees at your particular Walmart, but in Miami, most of the Walmart employees barely speak English. Moreover, none of the Walmart employees that I've met don't even come close to resembling the all American actors in the commercial. In fact, the "employees of Walmart" strikingly resemble the "People of Walmart." Take a look.....

The News As I See It: Lindsay Lohan has begun her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, "Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house."

One of Sarah Palin's supporters is about to release a documentary about her called "The Undefeated." That's like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger being called "The Faithful."

When President Obama arrived in France for the G8 summit, a meeting of the world’s top economic powers. To give you an idea of how bad our economy is doing, when the president arrived, the other countries were like, "What are you doing here?"

CBS has announced some new shows coming up, including "Celebrity Housekeeper." A group of women compete to become Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid.

This Date In History: 1431; Joan of Arc was burned at the stake as a heretic. 1536; King Henry VIII of England married his 3rd wife, Jane Seymour, 11 days after he had his 2nd wife, Anne Boleyn executed. 1911; The first Indianapolis 500 was won by Ray Harroun.

1922; The Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC, was dedicated by Chief Justice William Howard Taft. 1998; An earthquake in Northern Afghanistan (and subsequent aftershocks) killed an estimated 5,000 and injured at least 1,500. A quake on February 4th in the same area had killed about 2,300.

Picture Of The Day: There's little doubt about today's theme. Take the time today to reflect and say a prayer for the men and women, both past and present, who have served and protected this great nation.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. 2) Puberty is when you separate the boys from the girls, sometimes with a crowbar. 3) I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. 4) The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?" 5) Don't count your chickens and don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemimi May 30th: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver, but actually are making your behavior quite erratic. Screaming "Death to the Infidel" as you're walking through busy airports or shopping centers will leave you with bruises in special places.

Waiting for your loved one to come to you could be a big mistake. This is especially true for at least one person today, whose loved one happens to drive a very large bus and will suddenly lose the ability to brake while driving straight towards your house. Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them. Be gentle.

Birthdays: Alexander Archipenko, sculptor 1887, Irving G. Thalberg, movie executive 1899, Seton Howard Frederick Lloyd, archaeologist 1902, Mel Blanc, actor 1908, Benny Goodman, musician 1909, Gale Sayers, football player 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." Her husband replies, "Yep, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together, naked as jaybirds." The old woman snickers, "Maybe, we should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. The old woman says breathlessly, "You know, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." The old man says, "I'm not surprised. One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal..."

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer in the leg without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else was looking.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, an old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A man was eating lunch with his 10-year-old Granddaughter and he asked her, "How are you doing in school?" The little girl said, "I'm doing great. We're learning about the new holiday, "President Obama Day" that occurs on June 1st.

Her grandfather said, "President's Day is in February. What does President Obama Day mean?" She replied, "I know. We've studied the February date, but this is a new holiday. President Obama Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have one more year of unemployment."

A man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab of $7.75, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip....three quarters. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him and says, "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

The waitress says, "Well, this quarter tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." The waitress continues, "And this quarter tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third quarter tells me that your father was one, too."

Before she became engaged, a woman was quite the beauty and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. She said, "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." The boyfriend retorted, "Really? And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

That's it for today my sugar pops. Remember, the two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

Boy Jimmy, That Garnett Is A card!
Have a great Memorial Day!

Rose said...

Love your Walmart you tubes!

Happy Memorial Day!

Paula said...

Amen to your tribute to our men and women who have served and are serving our country. Liked the printable things today especially sex on TV.Laughing will cure what ails you, well it helps anyway. Hope you're having a nice day.

Paula said...

Oh forgot to tell you our TV is too high. John has one sitting on top of the other. I call it our redneck entertainment center. lol

Dirk said...

Great piece about Wal-mart! There are the commercials, then there's the real world!

Really good tribute to our Armed Services. We must be sure to never forget what they have done for us.

Missy said...

For some reason I can never see the videos on Blogger! Grrrrrrr

"Puberty is when you separate the boys from the girls, sometimes with a crowbar." lmao