Monday, May 16, 2011

The Throes Of Summer

As I pondered over today's post, I realized that summer is just about here. In Florida, that means two things: School's out and the beginning of hurricane season. Frankly, I don't really know which I detest more. To add fuel to the fire, the 2012 presidential campaign is well underway and the media is already taking potshots at anyone who dares to challenge the annointed one.

It's bad enough that the economy is still in the toilet and gas prices are skyrocketing, but now I have to listen to the media continue to extol the greatness of a president who has virtually failed to keep any of his campaign promises. To make matters worse, any time it rains for more than three straight days in Miami, the media runs their hurricane preparedness commercials and everyone raids the grocery stores, wiping out the battery and water supplies.

Fortunately, I always have batteries and water as just common sense bi-monthly purchases, so the raid doesn't affect my supplies. It does, however, affect my sanity. When grocery stores are raided by the hurricane crazed shoppers, they are often accompanied by the out-of-schoolers, who are allowed to roam the aisles creating havoc.

Last summer, I overheard a woman lamenting to her friend, "It's so hard to control little Johnny while I'm shopping. I just don't know what to make of him." As I passed by the woman I suggested, "How about a coffee table?" Ah, the joy of summer.....

The News As I See It: Iran’s intelligence minister claims to have proof that Osama bin Laden was dead before the Navy SEALs found him. Does anyone believe Iran has an intelligence minister? That’s like Pakistan having a truth minister.

There’s talk in Hollywood about doing another "Mad Max" movie, where gas is so expensive that people steal and kill to get it. It takes place sometime in the future — like July.

The Taliban is now on Twitter, so if they start following you, go hide someplace where no one will find you ... like MySpace.

Mitt Romney is having major trouble with endorsements. He keeps getting endorsed by President Obozo. They both have the same shitty healthcare plan.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

This Date In History: 1770; Marie Antoinette married the future King Louis XVI of France. 1868; The first ballot on one of 11 articles of impeachment in the U.S. Senate failed to convict President Andrew Johnson.

1929; The first Academy Awards were given on this night. The term, Oscars, was not used to describe the statuettes given to actors and actresses until 1931. 1946; The Irving Berlin musical, Annie Get Your Gun, opened on Broadway. 1975; Japanese climber Junko Tabei became the first woman to summit Mount Everest.

1991; Queen Elizabeth II became the first British monarch to address the United States Congress. 1997; President Mobutu Sese Seko of Zaire ended 32 years of autocratic rule when rebel forces led by Laurent Kabila expelled him from the country.

Picture Of The Day: An eclectic collection of photoshop pics with no apparent theme. They do, however, amuse me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we don't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags? 2) Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I. 3) Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. 4) I don't want to say that my friend's ex-wife was overweight, but I can tell you that her belly button made an echo. 5) I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can lose weight!....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - May 16th: The best way to fool a man into giving away a biscuit is to let him know that you know where it's been. Don't give any details, just let it casually be known that you "know where it's been". How is this relevant to you today? You'll see. You and biscuits are going to be inseparable. Take a coat today as you'll need it if it rains, becomes slightly colder or if you happen to be caught out while parading naked around your local shopping center. Love hides in strange places and could be waiting for you where you least expect it. Or it could be hidden in a closet, bound and gagged.

Birthdays: William Seward, American statesman 1801, Elizabeth Palmer Peabody, educator, lecturer, and reformer 1804, Henry Fonda, actor 1905, Liberace, pianist 1919, Betty Carter, jazz and blues singer 1930, Olga Korbut, gymnast 1955, Tori Spelling, actress 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

An older man, somewhat new to the gym, happened to notice a beautiful young woman working out. Not in the best physical condition, he asked the trainer, "I want to impress that beautiful girl over there. Which machine would you advise me to use?" The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. Davey asked the priest, "Father Donovan, what is this? Father Donovan replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Moral of the story: No matter what language you speak or where you go, behind every man there's a smart woman.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

That's it for today my licorice sticks. Remember, if someone tells you that they would never go out with you, just tell them, "That's ok, I don't date outside my species anyway." More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

You had me on the floor with the Rabbi joke! Too funny!

Hugs, Rose

Paula said...

I like those smart women who walk five paces behind.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Jimmy I'm still laughing at the Land Mines ~ very sensible ladies :O) ~ Ally x

Missy said...

I don't live where we get many bad storms such as hurricanes or tornadoes but we do get a lot of snow during the winter. I understand what you mean about the stores being flooded with people. I think you're right, if people would just stock up, we wouldn't need to rush to the store and suffer through all that madness.

I'm not familiar with the 5 paces behind a husband custom but I do know a lot of traditions won't be broke just because we as Americans see those women as being suppressed. Many of those women appreciate their culture and like to maintain their modesty as well.


Julie said...

We also get the blizzard hoarders on every snow. Stocking up on twinkies, frozen pizza's and pop. Me, a good book and a great wine and I can be happy no matter how much snow falls. Loved the rabbi joke also.