I "Hoveround" Bars So I Called The Scooter Store

After watching a commercial from the Scooter Store and answering the questions posed in the ad, I became interested in acquiring one. One of the questions was "Have you fallen in the last 12 months?" This was a bit unclear as I wasn't sure if they meant inside or outside of the bar.

Another question they asked was do you have difficulty getting to the bathroom. Once again, I felt the question was not clear. If the bathroom is ten feet away and I'm on my first Johnnie Walker Black, then the answer is no. If I'm on my fifth Johnnie Walker Black and I'm using the bar stool as a walker, then the answer is yes.

According to the ad, I can probably get the Scooter free. I'm thinking if I add GPS to the Scooter, it theoretically resolves the conflict of drinking and driving. I mean other than brushing a few mailboxes placed too near the sidewalk, I'm home.

I placed a call to the 800 number to inquire further about the scooter but the sales associate on the other line kept accidentally hanging up. I'll keep you abreast of my progress.

The News As I See It: Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they’re warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.

A South Carolina man was arrested for sneaking a taser gun into a football game and using it on somebody. The man was arrested — and immediately signed by the Oakland Raiders.

Obama is planning an official state trip to Australia this November and has sent O'Biden to look for an Australian translator. Obama has described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he’s the kind of person that sees the country as "half employed."

Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That’s the difference between Texas and California. In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders. It’s reported that Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed.

Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a "bedrock conservative." When he heard this, John McCain said, "I grew up in Bedrock, and I don’t remember seeing him."

This Date In History: This Date In History: 1814; Francis Scott Key composed the lyrics to The Star Spangled Banner. 1901; President Theodore Roosevelt succeeded him. 1927; Modern dance pioneer Isadora Duncan died in Nice, France.

1940; Congress passed the Selective Service Act, providing for the first peacetime draft in U.S. history. 1959; The Soviet space probe Luna 2 became the first man-made object to reach the Moon when it crashed onto the lunar surface.

1982; Princess Grace of Monaco died from injuries sustained in a car crash the previous day. 1994; Acting commissioner Bud Selig announced the cancellation of the 1994 baseball season on the 34th day of a strike by players.

Picture Of The Day: The perfect vehicle for my AREA 51 escapades. It is equipped with GPS to find my way home. This replaces my old method of dropping breadcrumbs along the way. The breadcrumb plan became unreliable as more and more neighborhood ducks learned of the plan.

It has a basket to hold any beverage I might have and a handy rear view mirror to alert me of possible duck attacks. The only thing it needs is an additional seat for any wayward lass who decides to accompany me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping. 2) My ex-wife went shopping for feminine protection. She decided on a thirty eight revolver. 3) I met a girl at Macy's. She was shopping. I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. 4) One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. 5) It's scary when your body starts making the same noises as your coffeemaker.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 14th: A good day to go to the shopping mall for some great sales. Don't fret too much about getting older, you're still fine. You may have to begin to worry when all your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. Anywho, things will go well and your romance odds are 90-10, especially after you stop by that place in the store where they drench you in free cologne.

Birthdays: It's homie birthdays beginning with my grandson Kc 19XX, My sweet pal and fellow blogger Julie 19XX, My pal and fellow blogger Karebear 19XX, My high school pal Dana 19XX, and my pal Scott 19XX - Happy Birthday all!

Alexander von Humboldt, German naturalist and explorer 1769, Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, physiologist 1849, Alice Stone Blackwell, feminist 1857, Charles Dana Gibson, illustrator 1867, Margaret Sanger, feminist 1879, Constance Baker Motley, lawyer and jurist 1921.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" Fred replied, "Outstanding. They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." His friend says, "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank.

Fred thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" His friend said, "You mean a rose?" Fred said, "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife and said, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

An older woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. She said, "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman replied, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that mark on your chest?" The girl says, "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that mark on your chest?" The girl replies, "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love."

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. The doctor says, "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" The girl answers, "No, he goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. The nurse said, "No, I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay like that until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

That's it for today my little hush puppies. Remember, never say never....unless you're using this cliche. It's hump day - Happy hour in AREA 51 sounds like a plan. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !