Infants

I've never been too good with infants, they make me nervous. To make matters worse, most of the women I've ever known always want me to hold their babies. I'm okay when they stand close to me so that if the baby starts coughing, crying or even worse...peeing, I can always do the old quarterback hand off.

Don't get me wrong, I like it when they start toddling and such, At least if something goes wrong I can figure out what the problem is or sometimes they even tell me. My problem is that they hand me the baby and then walk to the kitchen or another room. Or worse, the ask me if I'd hold the baby while they take a "quick" shower. Uh, I don't know any woman that takes a quick shower......

Last week, I ran into an old friend who had recently given birth and she asked me if I wanted to hold the baby. I told her that infants make me nervous. So I gave her my business card and said, "Tell her I'll hold her when she's 18." She just laughed.....

The News As I See It: Obama was in Los Angeles Monday where he will appear on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno, to highlight the one job that was saved during his administration.

O'Biden said on CNN that he hasn’t made up his mind about whether he’ll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: "Who was raising that question?"

A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, "I didn't even know the guy was Jewish."

Halloween is on Monday and I can't wait. The smiles on those children's faces when they come to the door and taste what's left of the cocktail onions in my refrigerator is priceless.

McDonald’s just announced that they will sell the McRib sandwich only until November 14. So it looks like I'll have to cook for Thanksgiving after all.

A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine.

An 87-year-old man in Michigan was arrested after police searched his car and found 228 pounds of cocaine. Police became suspicious when he pulled them over and he really wouldn't stop talking about his grandchildren.

This Date In History: 1774; The First Continental Congress adjourned in Philadelphia. 1825; The Erie Canal, connecting Lake Erie to the Hudson River, opened. 1881; Wyatt Earp, his two brothers, and Doc Holliday were involved in the gunfight at the O.K. Corral in Tombstone, Arizona. 1975; Anwar Sadat became the first Egyptian president to pay an official visit to the United States.

1979; South Korean president Park Chung Hee was killed by the head of the Korean Central Intelligence Agency. 1994; Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin of Israel and Prime Minister Abdel Salam Majali of Jordan signed a peace treaty in a ceremony attended by President Clinton.

2002; Russian government forces stormed the Moscow theater held by Chechen rebels. More than 100 hostages were killed. 2005; The Chicago White Sox sweep the Houston Astros to win their first World Series in 88 years.

Picture Of The Day: One good thing about the Internet. Things you say may come back to haunt you.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was playing trivia the other night in mixed company and I was sure I was right, but I got overruled. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is the Fiji Islands. 2) Over the years, I've never really fallen in love. I've stepped in it a few times, but never fallen. 3) The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches to the end of the driveway. 4) Someone once asked me, "How did you get started?" I said, "When I was twelve years old, alone in my room." 5) I think that a man in a relationship should forget his mistakes. There's really no use in two people remembering them.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - October 26th: You'd better go shopping. Halloween is coming so if you're going to a party, you’d better figure out a costume or you'll be stuck wearing a salad bowl on your head and calling yourself Justin Bieber.

Birthdays: Domenico Scarlatti, composer 1685, Beryl Markham, aviator 1902,
Francois Mitterrand, political leader, president of France 1916, Bob Hoskins, actor 1942, Pat Conroy, writer 1945, Hillary Rodham Clinton, lawyer and political figure 1947, Keith Urban, singer 1967, Jon Heder, actor 1977, Sasha Cohen, figure skater 1984.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older." The second guy asks, "What do you mean?" The first guy says, "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!" His buddy wondered, "Healthier? How is that?"

The first guy says, "Well, years ago, when we were younger, I almost always turned to her for sex most every night, but she'd get these terrible headaches. Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?" His wife replied, "Darling, your name never came up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Wally for their contributione to today's stories.

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget."

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said "f*ck you!" A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband. After about half an hour of this the old man said, "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!"

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the light to change.

A blonde girl standing next to him saw the large bulge in his shorts. Her eyes beaming with lust, the blonde asked, "What's that ?" The jogger, breathless fron running, gasped, "Tennis ball." The blonde girl said sympathetically, "That must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

That's it for today my little halloweenies. Remember. if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. It's Hump Day and AREA 51 beckons. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !