Monday, January 23, 2012

Everyone Was Young Once - Part II (and then they got older)

On Friday, I spoke about one's fleeting youth and as most of us know, some of us age gracefully while others, not so much. Time takes it's toll and one day we realize that we're getting older. One of the first signs of growing old is when one is referred to as "Sir" or "Madam."

On the other hand, the memories that one has stored in one's mind is like a virtual plethora of ongoing YouTube videos that cannot be shared with anyone, except through conversation or writing. It is the reason why older people usually have more interesting stories than younger people. Experience is the best teacher one could ever have.

Fortunately for most of us, there are a few memories that remained permanently sealed in our minds, which prevent awkward situations like indictments, arrests, law suits, paternity suits and being beaten up by a jealous spouse. The latter is one one of the reasons I use the word "Printable" in the "Printable Things I Never Told You" section of my Journal.

Celebrities also age, as we know, and no matter how much dye one puts in one's hair or how many face lifts and tummy tucks one has gone through, age is difficult to hide. With that in mind, today's pictures by the photoshop gang show us what some of today's celebrities may look in a few years.

The News As I See It: There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.

According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren't even aware Congress is doing a job.

An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets.

Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States and also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones.

Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon.
Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago.

The National Enquirer says that the father of Khloe Kardashian is O.J. Simpson. When reached for comment, O.J. said, "Man, I just cannot catch a break."

This Date In History: 1556; The deadliest earthquake on record killed 830,000 in Shansi, China. 1789; Georgetown University established in what is now Washington, DC. 1849; Elizabeth Blackwell became the first woman physician in the U.S.

1964; The 24th Amendment to the Constitution, barring poll taxes, was ratified. 1968; North Korea seized the U.S. Navy ship Pueblo (the crew was released 11 months later.) 1973; President Nixon announced that an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War.

1989; Salvador Dali died in Spain at age 84. 2002; Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped by the National Movement for the Restoration of Pakistani Sovereignty. 2004; Bob Keeshan, "Captain Kangaroo," died at age 76.

Picture Of The Day: Aging celebrities from the minds of the the photoshop gang. I purposely left out any female pictures because they destroy the images, faces and figures which I have permanently etched in my mind.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I rarely worry where the subject matter will come from for my next journal entry. Deep down, I know I can always rely on a politician shooting himself in the foot. 2) Why is it that the people with the ugliest feet always the ones wearing flip-flops? 3) All men see in only 16 colors, just like Windows default color settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 4) If a thief was being given a lie detector test and he lied, would his pants catch on fire? 5) My friend told he he was going to a wild, sexy costume party next week and I asked him what costume he would wear. He told me that he's going as Abe Lincoln because his last four scores were seven years ago.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 23rd: Mondays are a pain, but you've got a job and that's what's important. The batchelor of arts degree you have will move you from the deep fryer to MacDonalds manager soon. Chances of romance are 91.5 percent. Those teenaged employees at work are a cinch.

Birthdays: Stendhal, writer 1783, Camilla Collett, novelist, essayist, and literary critic 1813, Edouard Manet, French Painter 1832, Sergei Eisenstein, filmmaker 1898 Django Reinhardt, jazz musician 1910, Potter Stewart,Associate Justice 1915, Gertrude B. Elion, pharmacologist 1918, Ernie Kovacs actor, comedian 1919, Jeanne Moreau, actress 1928, Derek Walcott, dramatist and poet 1930, Princess Caroline of Monaco, royalty 1957, Tiffani Thiessen, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?"

Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some asshole using my stuff." Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

Obama walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer. So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees."

After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. The father asks, "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" The man replies, "No, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." The woman asks, "What's it telling you now?" The man answers, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man looks at his watch and says, "Hmmm....damned thing must be an hour fast."

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.

She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her. In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed one of his wife's bunny slippers and placed it over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

That's it for today my little movie stars. Remember, don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Well SIR, you out done yourself on the politics today. Loved it. 'specially the 'grey poupon'. And mr. Obama's recycling!!

I lost it on "his last four scores were seven years ago...."

Thanks for the entertainment. BTW I heard Mr. Obama feels like the unemployment would go down if more folks would quit looking for jobs!

Rose said...

Scary graphics of some of my favorite Celebs......especially George Clooney!

He is my heart throb! Well, Carey Grant was before him. LOL

Paula said...

Laughing @ you wanting your Farmvile crops watered after you're gone.