Friday, January 20, 2012

Everyone Was Young Once

I happened to overhear a young woman make a remark to her girlfriend about a rather matronly but pretty older woman. Incensed, I told the young girl that the older woman was a knockout back in the day and that she should hope she looks that good when she got older.

The young woman seemed a bit taken aback by my remark. I asked her if she had seen the changes that Britney Spears has gone through over the last six or seven years. She muttered that Britney had gained a lot of weight. I told her that it happens to most people as they aged. I said that sooner or later, someone might make the same remark about you.

She seemed to get my drift and told me that she was only joking. I told her that life is like playing on a baseball team. You start in the minor league, move up to the major league and have a stretch as a success. As time goes by, they start moving you to lesser positions, then you go to the bench for a few more years. After that, you hopefully retire with a pension.

The bottom line? Be kind and treat people like you would want to be treated. Enjoy each day and live it like it was your last. One day, it will be.....

Happy Ninetieth Birthday to actress Betty White!

The News As I See It: A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.

To help working mothers in Indonesia, a company is providing breast milk couriers. What happens is the courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother works and takes it to the factory where the baby works.

A man was found murdered in his home in California over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes and the dead man had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.

Obama was in Disney World where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties. Obama chose Disney World because it was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better.

Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, America did not want a conservative, gun happy, intellectually challenged governor of Texas for least not again.

There's a new Facebook app that lets you post a message after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision.

Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words "Obama" and "well done" appeared in the same sentence.

The first couple of episodes of "American Idol" are usually the highest rated of the season. There's just something magical about watching people with dreams beyond their talent going on national TV and having those dreams crushed.

This Date In History: 1801; John Marshall was appointed Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court 1841; As a result of the First Opium War, Hong Kong was ceded to the British. 1942; The Nazis formulated their "Final Solution" regarding the Jews at the Wannsee Conference.

1964; The Beatles released their first album in the United States, Meet the Beatles. 1981; President Reagan became the oldest president to take office (69 years and 349 days). 1981; Fifty two American hostages seized from the American Embassy in Tehran were released after 444 days in captivity.

Picture Of The Day: You gotta love the size of that dawg!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend and I were discussing trends on sex, marriage, and values. My friend said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I said, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?" 2) What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about? 3) When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W. 4) I had amnesia once - maybe twice. 5) All I ask is a chance to prove that hitting the lottery can't make me happy.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 20th: Fridays are for good times, so let your hair down and go for it. If you're going to the local pub, just remember, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Chances of romance are 71.6 percent. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Birthdays: Richard Henry Lee, political leader 1732, Walter Piston, composer and teacher 1894, George Burns, actor, comedian 1896, Joy Adamson, writer and conservationist 1910, Federico Fellini, filmmaker 1920, DeForest Kelley, actor 1920, Buzz Aldrin (Edwin Eugene Aldrin, Jr.), American astronaut 1930, David Lynch, filmmaker 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Well, now I know where to find my hearing aid."

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Laurie and Skip for their contributions to today's stories.

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your ass is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your ass is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. He said, "Yes, I was right, your ass is two inches wider than the barbecue!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. The man says, "What's wrong?" She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. She asked, "Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"The shepherd looked puzzled but agreed.

Out of the blue, she blurts out "57!" He was stunned but kept his word and allowed her to pick out a sheep. She picked out the cutest one. He looked at her and said, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

A farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what’s that under your arm?" The old farmer said, "That’s my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes." The ticket agent said, "We don’t allow animals in the theater."

The irritated old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

Mildred whispered, "Marge, I think this guy next to me is a pervert." Marge replied, "What makes you think that?" Mildred whispered, "He unzipped his pants and is exposing himself."

Marge said, "Well, don’t worry about it, At our age we’ve seen them all." Mildred said, "Yeah, but this one is eating my popcorn."

That's it for today my little bean sprouts. Remember, Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf". I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

I understand only too well about being on that "Baseball Team".

Hugs, Rose

jack69 said...

I really don't think Rose is ready for the bench yet!!!

However the lost hiker and his new job is oneof the BEST lines yet!!!

And I wish Ho Le lived in NC and was available.

Thanks for a great read. Enjoy Area 51, but walk back!!!

Tabby said...

You gave some good advice Jimmy :)

Paula said...

Oh boy there are some funnies here today. By the way John doesn't order from the mail box but he does like to try to order from the menu box before you get to the order box.

garnett109 said...

Jimmy I've been benched since 97