You're in the middle of some kind of project around the house - planting a lawn, putting in a new fence, whatever. You're hot and sweaty and covered in dirt or paint. You have old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project, you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you do one of the following:
In your 20's: You stop what you're doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
In your 30's: You stop what you're doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Add a shot of cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.
In your 40's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a sweatshirt that's long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you think she's hot.
In your 50's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog shit in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait Shop and it says, "I Got Worms".
In your 60's: You stop what you're doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you're not sure.
In your 70's: You stop what you're doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. You don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's and beyond: You stop what you're doing, start again and then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you're looking for. You fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door. What is a Home Deep Hoe? Who farted?
The News As I See It: House Minority Leader and resident bitch Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she's keeping her lips sealed. That's probaly because that's how the last plastic surgeon left them. Pelosi is using the Internet to gather more dirt on Gingrich. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com.
Olive Garden announced they're undergoing a makeover to try to increase business. They're so desperate they're even considering serving Italian food.
A Florida man was recently arrested for taking up-skirt shots at Wal-Mart. It will come to trial as soon as they can find 12 jurors willing to look at up-skirt shots of Wal-Mart shoppers.
Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $2,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.
In other news, we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket". It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken livers.
This Date In History: 1880; Thomas Edison was granted a patent for his incandescent light. 1944; The Soviets announced the end of the two-year siege of Leningrad. 1945; The Russians liberated Auschwitz concentration camp, where the Nazis had killed over 1.5 million people, including over 1 million Jews.
1951; The U.S. Air Force started atomic testing in the Nevada desert. 1967; The Apollo I fire killed astronauts Grissom, White, and Chaffee during a simulated launch at Cape Canaveral. 1973; Vietnam War peace accords were signed in Paris.
Picture Of The Day: Not much room for pictures today. Don't fret, there weren't that many that were good anyway. I'll show you the ones that were on Monday.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. 2) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f*ck happened. 3) Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "your account's overdrawn." 4) I went to Sears the other day to buy some camouflage fishing pants, but I couldn't find any (Wait for it....). 5) Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 27th: The weather looks good for a fine day assuming that you always keep an umbrella with you. Don't laugh, it worked for Mary Poppins. If you're going to happy hour, stay away from the bean dip. Chance of romance is 56.18 percent.
Birthdays: My friend Tammy - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Wolfgang Mozart, Austrian Composer 1756, Lewis Carroll, writer 1832, Samuel Gompers, labor leader 1850, Jerome Kern, composer 1885, Hyman G. Rickover, admiral 1900, Samuel C.C. Ting, physicist 1936, Mikhail Baryshnikov, dancer 1948, John G. Roberts, Jr., jurist 1955, Frank Miller, artist, writer 1957.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Farmer John, who lived way out in the country, had a speech impediment. He finally got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he picked up the phone and cranked his first call.
A woman answered and said, "Operator." John said, "Hello Operator, "Gimme fi, fi, free, one, fi, please." The operator said, "Excuse me?" John said, "I wanna talk ta fi, fi, free, one, fi." The operator said, "Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that." Farmer John said, "Oh, just shtick it up yer ash!", and slammed the phone down.
The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator. Farmer John said, "Yesh, I yam." The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."
Without saying a word, Farmer John walked to the telephone and cranked the phone. A woman answered, "Operator." Farmer John said, "Are yew the lady I told ta stick dis telephone up her ash?" Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I certainly am!" Farmer John said, "Well, get ready. They're bringin' it in."
Thousands of illegal immigrants continue to rally across the country, demanding a path to citizenship. Don't they understand that we already have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian said, "I rubbed fine olive oil all over my wife, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes." The Frenchman said, "I rubbed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
The Englishman said, "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for six hours." The others asked, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" The Englishman replied, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al. After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Al answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"
Third grade teacher Miss Crabtree said to little Sammy, "You're late again, Sammy, for the third time this month." Little Sammy said, "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Daddy sleeps naked."
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. Sammy said, "Miss Crabtree, we have a coyote that's been coming to our ranch. The past few nights it killed and ate three hens and it also killed Mom's best milk goat!"
Little Sammy went on, "Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken coop, he grabbed his shotgun and told Mom that the coyote was back and he was going to get him! He told all us kids to stay back! There he was, shotgun double cocked, naked as a jaybird, no boots, no shirt and no pants! He crawled right up to the chicken coop and stuck that double barrel shotgun right through the window.
As he stared into the dark coop with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, snuck up behind Daddy. Then, old Zeke stuck his cold nose up the crack of Daddy's ass and we've been cleaning chickens since three o'clock this morning!"
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."
That's it for today, my little tootsie rolls. Remember, on the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key. Thank God it's Friday! I'm going to happy hour at AREA 51. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !