Monday, January 30, 2012

The Latin Supermarket Shopping Experience - "Tengo Calamari"

I decided to pick up a few things at the supermarket today. I went to the Presidente Supermarket because I was "jonesing" for some Cuban coffee. As I was walking to the door, a man said to me, "Tengo Calamari" ( I have squid ). I pretended I didn't speak Spanish, but I couldn't resist saying "an injection of penicillin will clear that up".

Once inside the small store (compared to Publix), I realized I did not bring my reading glasses, thus eliminating any chance of browsing the "on sale" newspaper and saving some money.

The supermarket is also a social experience and people often chat in the aisles forcing one to push the cart through the store as if negotiating the turns while auto racing at the 24 Hours of Daytona or Le Mans. But sometimes there is an impasse and you wait a second hoping the ladies stop the chisme (gossip) for a second and let you pass. If it's good chisme, I stop and listen for a little.

After unloading my purchase into the car, I walked to the cafe and had a cup of Cuban coffee. There they were! The same two ladies that were chismiando (gossiping) in the aisles. Since I had heard part one, I listened to part two until they noticed I was listening.

I immediately went to plan "A" which is say something in English like, "Excuse me senorita, may I have another cup of coffee?". The ladies figured "American" and immediately returned to the gossip and I found out why Lissette is not going out with Juanito anymore. Works every time....I mean every time, and not only in the supermarket!

The News As I See It: The Stanley Cup champion Boston Bruins visited the White House last year. Obama told them he loves hockey as much as any black guy who grew up in Indonesia

Mitt Romney has released his 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich released his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows.

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths: 1) Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2) Jews do not recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah. 3) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4) Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

Every day you beat your own previous record for number of consecutive days you've stayed alive.

This Date In History: 1649; King Charles I of England was beheaded. 1933;
Adolf Hitler was named Chancellor of Germany. 1948; Gandhi was assassinated. 1968; North Vietnamese forces launched attacks against the South Vietnamese, beginning the Tet offensive.

1972; British troops opened fire on civil rights marchers in Northern Ireland, sparking the "Bloody Sunday" massacre. 1979; The Iranian civilian government announced that the exiled Ayatollah Khomeini would be allowed to return.

Picture Of The Day: The's an experience! Of course, it does have a lot of lovely things to look at.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry is when a heroic dog dies to save his master or after being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph. 2) Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 3) During my first marriage, our parents advised us to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife still got pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning? 4) A friend of mind who was temporarily incapacitated once asked, "I need you to be my eyes and ears." I told him, "Ok, if you can be my liver and prostate." 5) The one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that a chicken is food, not a roommate.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 30th: Write lots of letters today and you'll appreciate the finer art of stamp licking. Take everything you've got and run like the wind. Sure, it's Monday and notoriously boring but if you interject your style, maybe you can change tht stigma. On second thought, have a few beers and chill and let opportunity come to you. Chance of romance is .333 percent.

Birthdays: Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd resident of the United States 1882, Barbara Tuchman, historian 1912, Douglas Engelbart, inventor 1925, Gene Hackman, actor 1930, Richard Brautigan, writer 1935, Vanessa Redgrave, actress 1937, Richard Cheney, vice president of the United States 1941, Michael Dorris, American Writer 1945, Christian Bale, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" The dentist replies, "No, but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

When Jesus died and went up to Heaven, the first thing he did was to look for his father, as he has never met the man before and was curious as to what he looked like. He looked high and low but could not find him. He asked St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter said he didn't know. He asked the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel didn't know. He asked John the Baptist, "Where is my father?" But John did not know.

So he wandered Heaven, impatiently searching for years. One day, he saw out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man was very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. Jesus yelled, "Who are you?" The old man said,"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son."Jesus was very curious. Could this be his father?

Jesus said, "Tell me of your son, old man." The old man said, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..." Jesus screams, "Father!!" The old man yelled, "Pinocchio !!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord, please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, Lord, for the food I'm about to receive...."

A woman was in a coffee shop when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she started to feel better. As she finished her coffee that she noticed that everybody was staring at her. It was then that she remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

That's it for today, my little cotton balls. Remember, one of the good things about experience is that it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Okay Jimmy, I have delivered a lot of shingles, NEVER got a physical! LOL
This was the best of the day!:

Every day you beat your own previous record for number of consecutive days you've stayed alive.

So now I know I have set a record. Love ya man! Thanks!!!!
Next Imma gonna wins something, I just know it.

Paula said...

Down here they think chickens are for fighting. Like the I-Pad joke but I don't have one so don't blame me.

garnett109 said...

Jimmy. I'm going to live till the day I die, so far so good!

Heli gunner Tom said...

Hi Jimmy, I just may be moving up to Iron Mt., MI...Brrrrr! I found a very beautiful, nice woman up there....LOL.

Tom S