Monday, April 30, 2012

Injured Robbing A 7-11? You May Qualify For Compensation

It has been said that an attorney who represents himself has a fool for a client and a jackass for a lawyer. It therefore stands to reason that an attorney who does his own television commercials is either incompetent, cheap or greedy. If you're really unlucky, you hit the trifecta and your attorney qualifies for all three categories.

I've been in real estate since 1973 and I've known some very competent and talented attorneys. None of them have ever advertised on television. Moreover, most successful attorneys I know frown on attorneys who advertise.

Granted, it takes an investment of time and money to finish law school and pass the bar exam. But most wise attorneys go to work for larger firms and gain experience and maturity before venturing out on their own.

In the Miami- Fort Lauderdale area, there are five to ten attorneys who are constantly on television, at all hours of the day and night, advertising their law firms. I assume every city has the same number of attorneys doing the same thing. If an attorney is a bad actor on TV, just imagine how believable he'd be in court.

Personally, I wouldn't let any of these court jesters and ambulance chasers carry my groceries to the car, let alone represent me in court. I do hope that they make some money soon so I don't have to watch them on television.

The News As I See It: There's a new movement called "Drop the I-Word", the "I" referring to the word "Illegal" in "illegal immigrant." I wholeheartedly agree with the movement. They should be referred to as "undocumented democrats".

You can tell the economy is getting worse because ex-football coach Jimmy Johnson is back on TV again shilling for the male enhancement product Extenze. Like the typical whore that he is, I think it's fitting role for Coach Johnson because he always was a dick. Now, Joe Theisman is hawking Super Beta Prostate tablets. Both of these economical whores are well aware that neither of these products work and are not approved by the FDA. Can you spell "integrity"?

The NFL Draft is underway and generally, the higher a player is taken in the draft, the more money he ends up making. O.J. Simpson was picked first in his draft and he went on to make a killing.

According to a new ABC poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. Really? Hey, so is asbestos and venereal disease.

A new study found that happiness is u-shaped. By that they mean you're happy when you're young, you're least happy in middle age and happiest again in retirement. You're least happy in middle age because that's when you realize you're never going to be able to afford to retire.

The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll her in anger management classes. They call it mad cow disease because PMS was already taken.

This Date In History: 1803; France sold Louisiana and adjoining lands to the United States as part of the Louisiana Purchase. 1812; Louisiana became the 18th state in the United States.

1939; U.S. commercial television made its official debut at the New York World’s Fair.The signal was transmitted from the Empire State Building. 1945; Adolf Hitler and his newly married mistress Eva Braun committed suicide.

1948; The Organization of American States held its first meeting in Bogotá, Colombia. 1975; The Vietnam War ended with South Vietnam's surrender to North Vietnam.

1991; Over 131,000 were killed and as many as 9 million left homeless when a cyclone struck Bangladesh. 2003; Libya accepted responsibility for the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland.

Picture Of The Day: Some of today's pictures are designed for use on Facebook's new Timeline fiasco, so feel free to copy anything you like. As an alternative, for those of you into politics and political statements, I give you the Secret Service-Colombian hooker Timeline photo.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Eric Holder, the U.S. Attorney General, has determined that Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms can be dangerous to your health and get away with it! 2) 99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name. 3) A family, attorney turned defense attorney, once told me that he preferred defending murderers. He said it was less depressing and as a rule he met nicer people. 4) I used to live in a gated community but my girlfriend always got out anyway. 5) Despite their other contributions to our society, lawyers can still be a great source of protein.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 30th: You may not be pleased with today's experiences, but tomorrow will be great. Keep in mind that half the people in the world are below average. So hang loose pilgrim, tomorrow will be a better day. Chance of romance is 16.47 percent today increasing to 89.04 percent tomorrow.

Birthdays: Saint John Baptist de la Salle educator 1651, Franz Lehár, Hungarian composer of operettas 1870, John Crowe Ransom poet and critic 1888, Eve Arden, actress 1912, Cloris Leachman, actress 1926, Willie Nelson, country singer, songwriter 1933, Isiah Thomas basketball player 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens." The new chicken farmer was thrilled.

Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?" The new farmer replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far enough apart."

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. She asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To get my teeth!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex. Daisy suggested, "Maybe they sell them at the front desk."

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. The clerk said, "Yes, we do," and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" Donald yelled,  "Hey, what kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he mentioned that things were all done for him. He said, "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go."

His friend asked, "But how do you know when you are going to land?" He said "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground." His friend said, "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" He quickly answered, "The dog's leash goes slack."

That's it for today, my little lima beans. Remember, regular naps prevent old age - especially if you take them while driving. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Well, again I must agree, I do not care for advertising lawyers.

Good picture of the catfish, good description of most lawyers!!!
Enjoyed the read, now I must go look for my teeth!!!
Have a good evening!!!

Paula said...

John gets so teed at the news showing the same mad cow picture over and over. San Antonio has it's share of attorney's who advertise. One woman in particular has pretty long hair and comes on in a whiny voice.