Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Can I Have A Bite?
Just like when we were kids, life is the same old story. You're sitting down about to eat something and one of your siblings or friends asks, "Can I have a bite?" When we were kids, most of us would say, "No!" As we got older, we started to realize that sometimes you have to share.
The problem is that there was always the mooch who never seemed to have anything to share, but always wanted a bite. Continually sharing and helping can sometimes lead to enabling. You begin to realize that the person who always wants a bite or always needs something doesn't bother to fend for himself. He begins to rely on others.
As the populous of sharers and helpers begin to wane, the takers will begin to outnumber the givers and sooner or later, chaos will reign. It may not happen right now, but unless a change is instituted, the inevitable will come to pass.
The News As I See It: Green Bay Packers fans are furious after a controversial call in last night's game robbed the Packers of a victory. Some are calling it the worst call in NFL history, or at least since the Black Eyed Peas were invited to play the Super Bowl. Fans say they’re fed up with these phony refs and want to see them back where they belong....in the NBA with the rest of the thugs.
Congratulations to both Mitt Romney and Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on "60 Minutes" last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent.
A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, "Obama, please save my home." To which Obama said, "Hey lady, I'm trying not to get thrown out of my own house, Ok?
In New York City, muggings for Apple products are up 40 percent. Even worse, if you have the iPhone, the thugs camp out overnight to mug you.
Mass riots broke out among 2,000 workers at the factory in China that's making new iPhones. This is what happens when third-graders don't get a nap. They get cranky.
At the New England Patriots game, coach Bill Belichick was so mad about a call by the replacement referees that he grabbed a ref's arm. Fortunately, Belichick was quickly stopped by the referee's seeing-eye dog.
This Date In History: 1789; Thomas Jefferson was appointed America's first Secretary of State. 1820; Frontiersman, Daniel Boone, died in Missouri.
1914; The Federal Trade Commission was established. 1950; United Nations troops recaptured Seoul, the capital of South Korea, from the North Koreans.
1960; Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy took part in the first televised presidential debate. 1986; William H. Rehnquist was sworn as the 16th chief justice of the Supreme Court.
Picture Of The Day: There's nothing more majestic than a stallion proudly strutting in green pastures.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 2) Impotence is just nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." 3) I put peanut butter on both sides of my toast so that if the toast falls, I won't be disappointed.4) When things are looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swivelling chair and spin. If that doesn't raise a smile, then I'm all out of ideas. 5) Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 26th: Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. The chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch are so remote that you might as well go home and eat ice-cream until your brain freezes. Remember, you can't become a pilot without a good altitude.
Birthdays: My pals Howard and Rich - Happy Birthday guys ! 19XX, John Chapman, American pioneer, more familiarly known as Johnny Appleseed, 1774, Ivan Pavlov, experimental psychologist 1849.
TSEliot, poet 1888, Martin Heidegger, philosopher 1889, George Gershwin, composer 1898, Christine Todd Whitman, public official 1946, Olivia Newton-John, singer 1948, Serena Williams, tennis player 1981.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.
Miss Annabell says, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!" Miss Annabell continues, "They call them homosexuals." The girls, astounded and fanning themselves, reply, "Oh my! Oh my."
Miss Annabell says, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls ask, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell says, "They call them lesbians."
Miss Annabell sighs, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell. The girls giggle as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster.
The girls ask, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."
A couple was celebrating their 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. Son number one gushed, "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient and I didn't have time to get you a gift." The father said, "Don't worry, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." The father replied, "Son, we're just glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived and said, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years, your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" The father answered, "Yep, and cheap ones too."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting."
He continued, "Would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?" His wife replied, "I did, they're in your tackle box."
A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami, but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."
That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, no one listens to you until you fart. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !