Friday, September 28, 2012

Kiss My Katz !

Over the years, we've established the fact that I talk to myself. The problem is worsening because lately, I've had a great number of one-sided shouting matches with the stupid TV. Since I'm a night owl, I find myself yelling at that stupid ass, ambulance chasing attorney who does his own commercials. Fail !

Add to that the mind numbing, endless lies from Obama-lama-ding-dong and the countless misstatements from Romney and I find myself with a deep desire to see a good 'ole Sham Wow commercial from Vince the jailbird (arrested in Florida after a run-in with a hooker).

You can't get a straight story from the liberal media because everyone seems to have an agenda. The damned White House wouldn't call the mess in Libya a terrorist attack by al-Qaeda because a week earlier, Obama and his lackeys were giving political speeches touting that al-Qaeda was losing strength and Bin Laden was dead.

Uh, four people killed in Libya on the anniversary of the September 11 attacks in New York City and you don't have a clue? Or, is it just a political way of hiding the fact that al-Qaeda is alive and well and killing people! Fail !

General Motors was saved? Right now, the federal government owns 500,000,000 shares of GM or about 26% of the company. It would need to get about $53 a share for these to break even on the bailout, but the stock closed at only $20.21 a share on Tuesday. This left the government holding $10.1 billion worth of stock and sitting on an unrealized loss of $16.4 billion. How's that grab you, taxpayers? Fail !

My TV is fortunate that it does not have bullet holes in it after the countless false ads from mutual advertising whores Coach Jimmy Johnson and Joe Theisman for Extenze and Super Beta Prostate (respectively). Fail !

Yeah, I have shouting matches with my TV, but only because it's against the law to take to the streets and bitch slap idiots. The only saving grace is that my Facebook stock is doing quite well.......(Fail !)  

The News As I See It: The NFL strike is over. The NFL replacement refs were so bad, they thought the Green Bay Packers were a Wisconsin moving company. The minute the replacement refs were fired, Obama said, "See, sometimes losing a job can be a good thing."

A new survey shows how much time we waste every day. For example, we waste seven minutes in line waiting for coffee, 28 minutes getting through airport security, and four years waiting for Obama to do something about the economy.

Paul Ryan now says that Obama's foreign policy has "blown up in his face" and it's time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let's see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn't that the Republican foreign policy?

Pig farmers are predicting a global bacon shortage. However, they say the shortage can be averted if Chris Christie converts to Islam.

Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is so crazy that he actually defended the NFL's replacement refs. The replacement refs were so bad that in a taste test between Coke and Pepsi, they picked Sprite.

TLC has ordered more episodes of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" - just as the Mayans predicted.

This Date In History: 1542; Portuguese explorer Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego. 1781; The closing campaign of the American Revolution at Yorktown Heights, Va. began.

1920; Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted for fixing the 1919 World Series in the "Black Sox scandal." 1924; Two U.S. Army planes landed in Seattle after completing the first round-the-world-flight in 175 days.

1939; A German-Soviet agreement divided Poland between Nazi Germany and the USSR. 1967; Walter Washington became the first mayor of the District of Columbia. 1972; Japan and Communist China agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations.

1989; Former Philippine President Ferdinand E. Marcos died in exile in Hawaii. 1991; Jazz great Miles Davis died. 2003; Althea Gibson, the first Black tennis player to win at Wimbledon, died.

Picture Of The Day: I'm always amazed at the number of animals who decide to choose that special friend.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My GPS said that I have to get ready to turn left in one mile and I'm even not close to being prepared. 2) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. 3) It's not enough to have every intelligent person in the country voting for Romney. He needs a majority. 4) As I get older, sometimes I repeat myself. Also, as I get older, sometimes I repeat myself. 5) We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 28th: You will be plagued by happy people, but don't be swayed by them, stay miserable. Dead clowns will try to follow you home. Don't fall for that one, they're not really dead. Chance of romance is high with exception of people dressed as clowns.

Birthdays: My pal Alecia - Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, Michelangelo Caravaggio, Italian painter, Italian painter 1573, Georges Clemenceau, political figure 1841, Avery Brundage, sports executive 1887, Ed Sullivan, television personality 1901, Al Capp, cartoonist 1909, Alice Marble, tennis player 1913, Marcello Mastroianni, actor 1924, Brigitte Bardot, actress 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole." One of the other golfers said, "Oh my God, that must have been horrible!"

Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

An older man wanted to make his younger wife pregnant, so he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The old man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing."

The man went on, "Then, my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand.....nothing. The doctor asked, "Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?" The old man said, "Yep, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Sister Jeanne for her contribution to today's stories.

One day a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?" The golfer replied, "It's John, and I'm ok, thanks."

Elizabeth said, "John forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you turn the golf cart back over later." John answered, "That's mighty nice of you, but I don't think my wife would like it." "Elizabeth was very pretty and persuasive. She said, "Oh, come on!" John finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some "driving and putting" lessons, John thanked his hostess and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." Elizabeth said with a smile, "Don't be silly! She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" John said, "Under the golf cart!"

Little Johnny is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. Little Johnny says, "Yes, Ma'am?" The teacher asks, "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?"

Little Johnny answers, "Well, ma'am, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "Teacher, I've got a question for you. There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor. One is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies, "No teacher, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

Authors Note: For those of you who are following Jimmy's Journal on Facebook, you may have noticed changes in publishing notices and followers. Network Blogs, in its infinite wisdom, has "upgraded" their site and you may not see your picture on the site as a follower. You can easily correct this by simply clicking "Follow this blog" (button on the bottom) and following the instructions. Sorry for the inconvenience.  

That's it for today, my little tweety birds. Remember, the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Great entry. Loved the intro and agree. Everything is good I giggled and laughed several times, but the specimen cup was the BEST!
Thanks for the entertainment....

Heli gunner Tom said...

Jimmy, Do you speak Spanish??