Friday, November 9, 2012

God and Adam and Dog.....and Cat

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me."

God continued, "Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

So God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.....

The News As I See It: The presidential election is that special time every four years when Americans gather around their TVs to be reminded where the states are on a map. Well, it's over now, and as usual, the guy from Kenya won.

Obama defeated Mitt Romney and we know this for sure despite the fact that the returns from Florida still have not been counted. What goes on in Florida? They had four years to fix this. We need to make sure Florida never gets the Olympics. As a matter of fact, Florida shouldn't even be allowed to vote for "American Idol."

As a token of thanks for his fine work in the election campaign, Obama sent fellow democrat Bill Clinton a gift certificate for Hooters. It's rumored that for his fine work in the election, dyed-in-the-wool democrat Colin Powell will be named Secretary of State.

Rumor has it that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. NBC News was the first to call the election for Obama. ABC News was the first to call a cab for Diane Sawyer.

Obama easily won his home state of Illinois. In fact, in Chicago Obama got 120 percent of the vote.

There are a record number of Latinos in Congress, which has a lot more Americans talking about immigration reform. Americans do not seem to be in favor of it, while immigrants are still on the fence.

Colorado and Washington have become the first states to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. That's a big deal because in California, you can use marijuana legally only if you receive it for a fake medical condition.

This Date In History: 1888; Jack the Ripper killed his last victim, Mary Jane Kelly. 1938; Nazis burned and looted temples and Jewish-owned stores and houses in Germany and Austria in what became known as Kristallnacht (Crystal Night—referring to broken glass on streets). 1953; Author-poet Dylan Thomas died in New York at age 39.

1965; A switch at a station near Niagara Falls failed. The Northeast and parts of Canada went dark for more than 13 hours. 1970; Former French president Charles De Gaulle died at age 79. 1989; Borders between East and West Germany were opened and the Berlin Wall began to be dismantled the next day.

Picture Of The Day: A pair of baby Red Squirrels in the nest. Checking around, I have seen them referred to as pups or kits, but the most popular answer seems to be babies. Personally, I call them cute!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun and not Barack Obama. 2) I’m at that age where I’m ready to settle down with strangers from the Internet. 3) I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it. 4) I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough." 5) Do you know do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f**k? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "Bingo*!.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 9th: Much of what you believe now will be shattered later by an obnoxious man wearing glasses and having a distinct lisp. Don't ask me why, I just call them as I see them. Matter of fact, I'm amazed you even read this portion of my journal. Nevertheless, it will come to pass as sure as my name's Larry.

Birthdays: Benjamin Banneker. mathematician, astronomer, surveyor 1731, Gail Borden, dairyman, surveyor and inventor 1801, Elijah Lovejoy, abolitionist 1802, Ivan Turgenev, novelist 1818, Stanford White, architect 1853, Anne Sexton, poet 1921, Carl Sagan, American astronomer 1934, Lou Ferrigno, actor 1951, David Duval, golfer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three friends are fishing one fine June morning when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says " What should we do?" Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help."

So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing."

Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth." Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."

The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Blue Crowned Pigeon
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. A guy says, "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest assholess in America?" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother." The Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."

The Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest assholes in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The Roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."

A recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me." He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave.

Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he throws up on the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing, "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone".

The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy, "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $20 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy threw up on you. Tell her that the $20 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says, "That just might work. Thank you."

The drunk guy has two more drinks and then goes home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."

The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says, " Look at you.... You threw up on your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me threw on me. He put a $20 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself."

She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "There are two $20 bills here." He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".

That's it for today, my little fur balls. Remember, they call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

I'm glad I don't play bingo I might start using ugly words when I hit 80.

jack69 said...

I love the intro, and I believe you are spot on with the cat.
Your news tonight also reaches the top. YOu done well. Hope you get a ride back from Area 51, please do not take anymore cabs...
From NC for a few more days!!!