Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Take Your Hand Off My Giblets And Pass The Turkey
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Now’s the time to call all your family and apologize to them in advance for all the things you’re going to say to them when you get drunk. For you younger travelers, the TSA will molest you before they get to your uncle's house.
Some of the questions the TSA asks border on the stupid. One worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone ever handled your bag?" The passenger said, "Probably, but you should ask her. She's right behind me." At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.
They’re already playing Christmas music in the malls and on the radio. I still have a carved pumpkin in my window. They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving to start with the Christmas stuff.
The human brain can only hear "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before it orders the body to kill itself. I think this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.
Jimmy's Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe: Here is a turkey recipe that also includes a small amount of popcorn in the stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
Roasted Stuffed Turkey:
1 6-8 lb baking turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher low fat) Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper and roast for four hours, basting frequently. Remove turkey, fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn and place back in oven with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open, it's done.
The News As I See It: New research revealed that the closer you live to a bar, the more likely you are to become a heavy drinker. And the closer you live to Dunkin' Donuts, the more likely you are to become the governor of New Jersey.
Scientists have created synthetic plastic skin that can heal itself. The synthetic skin is being called revolutionary by doctors and the perfect Christmas gift for Bruce Jenner.
A prison inmate in Oregon who shot his own jaw off has demanded the state pay for his surgery. At least that's what I think he said.
This Date In History: 1783; With the Marquis d'Arlandes, Pilâtre de Rozier made the first free flight in a balloon, reaching a peak altitude of about 3,000 ft and traveling about 5 1/2 miles in 20 minutes. 1789; North Carolina became the 12th state.
1922; Georgia's Rebecca Felton was sworn into the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman U.S. Senator. 1934; Cole Porter's musical "Anything Goes" opened in New York City. 1969; For the first time since 1930, the U.S. Senate rejected a Supreme Court nominee, Clement Haynsworth.
1973; The 18 1/2 minute gap in the Richard Nixon Watergate tapes was revealed. 1991; Egypt's Boutros Boutros-Ghali was chosen to become secretary-general by the UN Security Council.
Picture Of The Day: Thanksgiving Day Dinner as envisioned by Tom and Mary Turkeyson.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest. 2) It appears that someone has invited a lot of old people to my high school reunion. 3) When I was a kid, my mother cleaned my face with her spit. It was like being raised by a cat. 4) A vegan friend of mine went missing so I put her picture on a soy milk carton. 5) I'll be friends with you guys until we're old and senile. Then we'll be new friends.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 21st: Changing your lifestyle and underwear may be a good way start the weekend. The gift you have that allows you to speak to the animals will not allow you to talk your way out of a face to face encounter with your neighbor's Doberman Pincer. You know he didn't really like you that much anyway.
Birthdays: My pals Carol (CJ), Michele, my lifelong buddy WT, and my sweet and beautiful Tamara. Happy Birthday everyone! 19XX, Voltaire, French philosopher and author whose name was François Marie Arouet de Voltaire 1694, Hetty Green, financier 1834, Rene Magritte, painter 1898, Coleman Hawkins, jazz musician 1904, Stan Musial, baseball player 1920, Goldie Hawn, actress 1945, Beryl Bainbridge, writer 1953, Tina Brown, magazine publisher 1953, Björk, singer, songwriter 1965, Troy Aikman, football player, TV commentator 1966.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Nathan, a young boy, after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"
His daddy replied (as he ducked), "That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard."
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work. Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you’re gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.
She runs upstairs and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost and says, "You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus cussed something awful. Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.
Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cussed terribly, so Martha but him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off. Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey. Martha said, "And have you learned your lesson about cussing?"
Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said, "I sure have and you can rest assured it will never happen again. I do have one question, "What did the turkey do?"
That's it for today, my little pilgrims. Remember, never judge a man until you've driven a mile with his wife. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great Thanksgiving and more on Friday.
Stay Tuned !