Friday, November 16, 2012
Nascar Homestead-Miami Speedway Championships
Nascar is in Miami this weekend for the final races of the season. Tonight's Camping World Truck race will determine the championship as will Saturday's Nationwide Series race and Sunday's Sprint championship. Additionally, there are some IOU's outstanding in all three races and I'm thinking payback may be an option for some.
Brad Keselowski leads Jimmie Johnson (both pictured above) for the Sprint Championship by a mere 20 points. That may seem like an insurmountable lead but this is the last race of the season and anything goes. And, of course, Clint Bowyer still has a minor problem with Jeff Gordon after Gordon purposely wrecked him and took him out of the championship at Phoenix Speedway last week. If I were Gordon, I'd be checking my mirror often.
In Saturday's Nationwide, Elliot Sadler trails Ricky Stenhouse Jr by 20 points after Sadler's car went sour at Phoenix last week. Austin Dillon trails by 25 points. Again, it's championship weekend so anything can (and probably will) happen.
In tonight's Camping World Truck race, James Buescher leads Timothy Peters (-11 pts) and Ty Dillon (-12 pts). Joey Coulter (-29 pts) still has an outside chance for the championship.
Tonight's truck race can be seen on Speed (8 pm), Saturday's Nationwide Championship is on ESPN (4 pm) and Sunday's Sprint Championship is on ESPN (2pm), all times EST.
The News As I See It: Obama looked good in his recent press conference. He took some softball questions from the leftist press for 20 minutes then finished up with a few Al Green songs.
There are reports that Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.
Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there.
The David Petraeus scandal just keeps getting bigger. It turns out that another top general, John Allen and an FBI agent had inappropriate contact with Jill Kelley, the woman who sparked the investigation. They need to stop this thing or we’re gonna end up with nobody left to run the government.
The FBI guy evidently sent Jill Kelley pictures of himself with his shirt off. You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He's the guy who started this whole thing.
Facebook and the Department of Labor have teamed up for a new app that displays job openings. You can browse 2 million job listings. You know it's bad when even Facebook thinks it's time for you to get a job. It'll be weird when people find a job because of Facebook, then get fired from that job for using Facebook and then use Facebook to find another job. It's the circle of life.
New research revealed that the closer you live to a bar, the more likely you are to become a heavy drinker and the closer you live to Dunkin' Donuts, the more likely you are to become the governor of New Jersey.
At a gas station in Texas, a woman purchased what she thought was a $200 iPad that turned out to be just a mirror. Let that be a lesson. Make sure you buy your iPad from a reputable gas station.
Pope Benedict made a surprise visit to a retirement home near the Vatican this week. You know, if there's one thing people in a retirement home like, it's surprises.
This Date In History: 1864; General Sherman and his troops began their "March to the sea" during the Civil War. 1907; Oklahoma became the 46th state. 1933; The United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.
1973; President Nixon signed the bill authorizing the construction of the Trans-Alaska Pipeline. 2004; President George W. Bush nominated Condoleezza Rice to replace Colin Powell as secretary of state.
Picture Of The Day: There's wisdom in remembering to smile at someone who's bigger than you, especially when you're wearing your pajamas.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) All mothers have intuition. Great mothers have radar. 2) I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 5 years in a row. 3) I could be a morning person if morning happened around noon. 4) Don’t tell me a tomato is "technically a fruit" unless you’re willing to drink it in a milkshake. 5) Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 16th: Parts of you feel like giving up the ghost today, but feeding those parts cookies and ice-cream will revive them. My gift to you today is this bit of wisdom: Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Birthdays: W. C. Handy songwriter 1873, George S. Kaufman dramatist and journalist 1889, Burgess Meredith actor 1907, Jose Saramago novelist 1922, Chinua Achebe writer 1930, Elizabeth Drew journalist 1935, Robert Nozick political philosopher 1938, Maggie Gyllenhaal actor 1977.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes.
He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina". The old guy says "I'll bet you do and you've got great tits too."
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and saying, "You're next."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington state for her contribution to today's stories.
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of that cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?" Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
The Nun asked, "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" The Nun said, "What a wonderful answer!"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face and asked, "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears at all."
At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh what a beautiful little baby." The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands, perfect little feet and just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see good?"
The mother said, "Why, yes Johnny. His doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said, "That's good, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!"
That's it for today, my little pepper mints. Remember, you do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. I might head over AREA 51 for happy hour.
That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !