Monday, November 19, 2012

Shampoo My Carpets, Then Scam And Clean My PC

Today's subject is from my August 2011 post about dot-com scam companies like PCMatic, KissMyGritsAndI'llWaxYourPC, My CleanPC, MaxMySpeed, CleanMyPC and variations of same. All are free but the catch is that they try to get you to subscribe (read -$) or they sell your personal information to other companies.

The bottom line is that these companies can't do anthing you can't do yourself and they prey on the ill-advised or hard of understanding.

Computers usually come with security systems like McAfee, Norton or any other respected company. Even better, there's a free security system called Avast that is highly regarded  and they don't badger you to upgrade.

Most computers will speed up If you clear your memory, delete your cookies and erase you browser history. After doing this, if your computer is still slow, you need to add an external hard drive, add more ram or upgrade your computer.

Other scams to avoid being screwed or making the mistake of subscribing are the infamous thieves "Cash4Gold" and any variation of Free Credit Score dot com.

You are allowed by law to get free credit information once a year from all three credit report companies. The free credit score dot com companies charge you monthly for mere crappola and make it very difficult to unsubscribe.

The News As I See It: Former General Petraeus testified before Congress. I guess he figured, "Why not?" Those questions can't be any tougher than the ones he's getting at home right now. No wonder we don’t know what’s going on in Libya. They're all too worried about chlamydia. So, when a general tells his wife, "I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan," technically he's not lying.

It was being reported that General Petraeus wanted to run for president. But, you know, he can still win. He's an older white guy with a sex scandal, so there's something there for Republicans and Democrats.

This whole scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? Now it's the Compromising Situation Room.

New York's Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree has been put in place. They brought it in and hoisted it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants. Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg.

Another big storm could hit the Northeast by Wednesday, preventing millions from visiting relatives for Thanksgiving. But there's also a downside.

Colorado and Washington legalized marijuana. If Hostess can't figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn't be in the snack cake industry. I guess I'll just have to take my business to Little Debbie.

The economy is getting so bad, Obama had to send Susan Rice out to defend it. Even MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen.

This Date In History: 1703; A masked man held prisoner in the Bastille in Paris died. His true identity was the cause of much intrigue, and his story became the basis of literary works by François Voltaire and Alexandre Dumas.

1794; John Jay and Lord Grenville signed Jay's Treaty. 1863; Lincoln delivered his Gettysburg Address at the dedication of the national cemetery on the Civil War battlefield of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

1977; Egyptian president Anwar Sadat became the first Arab leader to visit Israel. 1985; Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev met for the first time in Geneva. 1990; Milli Vanilli's Grammy award was rescinded after it was discovered they didn't do their own singing.

Picture Of The Day: If there's one thing that gets my goat it's missing my afternoon nap.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There's an unconfirmed rumor that Bill Clinton has asked Paula Broadwell to write his biography. 2) I quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?" I hate that.  3) The milk of human kindness comes from thinking about udders. 4) I went for a run on Sunday but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes. 5) If you really want to wake up, you can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, "a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair." Hey, I don't make these things up. They comes to me in a vision. Of course, it may not be 20-20, but it's still a vision.

Birthdays: George Clark, American Revolutionary General 1752, James A. Garfield 20th American President 1831, Billy Sunday evangelist 1862, Indira Gandhi political leader 1917, Larry King TV personality 1933, Yuan T. Lee chemist 1936, Ted Turner business executive 1938, Calvin Klein fashion designer 1942, Eileen Collins astronaut 1956, Allison Janney actress 1960, Meg Ryan actress 1961, Jodie Foster actress 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and still no improvement.

The doctor says, "Listen, I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little."

He continued, "Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns and exclaims, "Doc! I took your advice and it works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!" The doctor said, "Well, I'm glad I could help." The old man said, "By the way, Doc, you have a really nice house."

There was a woman who was very beautiful, except she had a hare lip. The woman was so embarrassed by her hare lip that she went into the woods to live all alone in a cabin, where no one would ever see her hare lip.

At the same time, there lived in the city a man with a wooden eye. He only had one real eye, but he was too poor to buy a glass eye, so he had a fake wooden eye made. He figured no normal woman would go out with him, but he heard about the woman with the hare lip, and he thought maybe she would go out with him.

So he wandered through the woods until he found her cabin and he knocked on the door. He was still worried about his wooden eye, but he figured she wouldn't say anything because she'd be so sensitive about her hare lip.

So he knocked on the door, introduced himself and said, "Would you like to go out with me?" She was thrilled, because no one had ever asked her out before. He said again, "Would you like to go out with me?" and she said, "Would I? Would I?" And he said, "Hare Lip! Hare Lip!" And neither of them were heard from again.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Deb and  Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in "the act". Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride!" and hops on his father's back.

His father is unable to break his stride and suddenly, mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

That's it for today, my little coconuts. Remember, silence is golden unless you have a toddler. Then, silence is just suspicious. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Good jokes, nice pictures. Thanks.

jack69 said...

Good read. I agree with the opening. But your insight never ceases to amaze me. Never thought about the spider web in the face thing. You are absolutely right!
Hope your seek is good. Leaving SC for Florida WEdnesday.

Take care.