Monday, November 5, 2012

Is It Just Me?

Is it just me or do cats only throw up at night? I'm dead asleep at three o'clock in the morning and I hear, "Haaghh, Haaghh." Oh, I know what it is...and who it is. The question is a) Do I remember exactly where my slippers are and b) If not, do I chance getting up and stepping in it.

Is it just me or am I the only one who walks into a room and forgets why I walked in? I'm beginning to think that is how dogs spend most of their lives.

Is it just me or do UFO's only abduct people who live in the south. There must be an attraction there, especially the trailer parks, because that's where all the tornadoes go. If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, you think they'd have a better travel agent.

Is it just me or does everyone wonder why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? I once asked my wife why she never blinks during foreplay. She said she never had time.

The News As I See It: Sunday was the end of Daylight Saving Time. I hope everyone remembered to change the clocks on Saturday and to change the president on Tuesday.

Governor Chris Christie praised Obama for his help in New Jersey. What’s next, Obama praising Christie? That's unnatural. It’s like kissing your sister. Which, by the way, would be federal law if Obama is elected.

Obama got in his photo opportunity in New Jersey on Monday and the East coast hasn't seen him since. How's that hope and change going for 'ya New Jersey and New York? It's a bit nippy at night without food, water and electricity, huh? Oh....and don't forget to vote on Tuesday.

Mayor Bloomberg lifted his three or more people per car rule. No one was allowed to cross the bridges between 6 a.m. until midnight unless they were in a car pool because the tunnels flooded. That's known as "car pool tunnel syndrome.

This week the U.S. unveiled a larger, more convenient checkpoint at the border with Mexico and the Mexicans unveiled a larger, more convenient tunnel around it.

Obama canceled the White House Halloween party after hearing Joe Biden was coming as "Slutty Joe Biden."

The latest James Bond movie, "Skyfall," is really good but there's a bit of a controversy now because of product placement. Like instead of his signature martini, Bond now drinks Heineken. That's not the only example. 007 is now 007-11 and Miss Moneypenny is now Miss JCPenny.

This Date In History: 1605; The Gunpowder Plot to blow up the English Parliament failed. 1872; Susan B. Anthony was fined $100 for trying to vote in the presidential election (she was trying to vote for President Grant).

1895; George B. Selden of Rochester, N.Y., received the first U.S. patent for an automobile. 1940; President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented third term in office when he defeated Wendell L. Willkie.

1968; The first black woman representative to serve in Congress, Shirley Chisholm, was elected. 1974; Ella T. Grasso became the first woman to win a gubernatorial office without succeeding her husband.

1989; Pianist Vladimir Horowitz died in New York at age 85. 1994; At 45, George Foreman, became the oldest heavyweight champion when he knocked out Michael Moorer in the 10th round of their WBA fight in Las Vegas.

Picture Of The Day: Mom and the kittens out for a stroll.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert , in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand. 2) Did we "Fall Back" or "Spring Forward" Saturday night? This climate change has got me all turned around. 3) I'm all for gaining an hour on the weekend, but why can't we lose the hour at 2 pm on Monday? 4) Don't you just love it when a Zombie looking for brains walks right past your ex-girlfriend? 5) I got a bit tipsy in AREA 51 last weekend so I took a taxi cab home. That's the first time I've ever driven a taxi. I picked up two fares on the way and made $100.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 5th: The partner of your dreams will finally realize you are worthy of attention so stock up on junk food and alcohol. On another note, you may get lucky and hit the lottery in the coming days so don't get too cozy with your partner until you're sure you haven't won.

Birthdays: Ida Tarbell, author, biographer 1857, William Durant, historian and essayist 1885, J. B. S. Haldane, scientist 1892, Fred Lawrence Whipple, astronomer 1906, Roy Rogers, western film star 1911, Vivien Leigh, actress 1913, Art Garfunkel, singer, songwriter 1941, Sam Shephard, playwright 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was Barry, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed Barry's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Barry had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Barry, he entered him in the county fair. Barry became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result: the judges not only awarded Barry the "No BellPiece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Barry was a Politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. He asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said, thoughtfully, "Well, I've always eatern moderately and worked hard. I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours."

The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The ekderly lady said, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your paper."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Bobby for his contribution to today's stories.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "You still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" and that's how the fight started...

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" She answered, "No." I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend" and that's when the fight started...

I took my to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. I said, "I'll have the steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" I said, "Nah, she can order for herself" and that's when the fight started....

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust" and then the fight started...

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water. One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal's Restaurant.

Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:

Par boiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50

They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter, "Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?"

The waiter replied, "Are you kidding? Did you ever try to clean one of those bastards?"

That's it for today, my little tweety birds. Remember, a married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

I like Barry's method and I think my John would like his way of doing things too.

jack69 said...

I think that calf's mama is down on Paula's Ranch!
I loved the Car-pool Tunnel thing! Good stuff.
Great read, I hope the rest of Florida gets to vote tomorrow.
I think 007 is right switching to Heineken.
Good thoughts from NC and missing Florida!!!

Linda's World said...

We vote by mail in Washington state, so glad I don't have to walk thru a gaggle of Black Panthers like some folks do. :)