Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Playing Possum

Possum (my cat) and I are very much alike in theory. We are both independent and nocturnal. Strikingly, this where it ends. When he is catnapping, I quietly go about my business or watch television. Possum, on the other hand, believes that if he's not sleeping, then neither is anyone else.

Last night, I awoke to the sounds of mewing, loud enough to cause me to get up to find out what was going on. I walked into the kitchen and there sat Possum, who immediately quit crying and started purring when I entered. I looked down and he had water and a full bowl of food.

Muttering to myself, I went to the bathroom (with Possum at my heel) and then back to bed. I managed to doze off for a bit and awoke to a feeling of pressure on my chest and being unable to breathe. The reason, of course, was that Possum (evidently in the deep throes of boredom) decided to lay on my chest and put his paw on my nose.

Now, at 4 am in the morning, I am fully awake. I go to the living room and turn on the television. Curiously, Possum is nowhere to be seen. I get up and return to the bedroom where Possum is now sprawled out on my pillow, sleeping like a drunk.

I thought it was only fair to get my cell phone, put on the loudest song in my list and play it full blast into his ear. Possum was not amused but I was. Hey Bud, what goes around, comes around......

The News As I See It: We’re in bad shape. The Republicans drove us into a ditch and the Democrats are driving us over a cliff. I agree that our country is headed toward a "fiscal cliff" and Obama's campaign slogan was "Forward." The only good news is that Obama says we'll run out of gas long before we get to the cliff, so don’t worry about it.

The CIA director, David Petraeus, has resigned. The FBI caught him having an affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell . People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA and yet he's behaving like a common congressman. No one knows what David Petraeus will do next. All I know is he's in for one awkward Thanksgiving.

The movie "Skyfall", was number one at the box office this week, making over $100 million. It's the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There's not a lot of sex in the movie — it's very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It's not like he's head of the CIA.

There's a double standard here. The head of the CIA gets caught having sex and has to resign. Meanwhile, a British special agent, James Bond, has sex with tons of women and makes $90 million at the box office. Where's the justice?

It was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have broken up. Bieber said, "Just tell me one thing. Is it General Petraeus?"

The movie "Lincoln" opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself.

Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently she did very well with swing voters.

Florida has finally finished counting the votes. What is wrong with Florida? Why is it so hard for the people down there to count votes? We’re talking about a state where half the population can play 10 bingo cards at the same time. Well, at least Florida can get back to doing what it does best, which is eating early and driving slowly.

This Date In History: 1851; Herman Melville's novel Moby Dick was published. 1889; Nellie Bly set out to beat Jules Verne's fictional Phileas Fogg's time of 80 days to travel around the world. She did it in 72. 1922; The British Broadcasting Corporation began its domestic radio service.

1969; Apollo 12, the second manned lunar expedition, was launched. 1995; The U.S. federal government began a partial shut down of government services after the U.S. Congress could not pass a budget.

2002; Nancy Pelosi of California became the first woman to lead a party in Congress. 2003; The most distant object ever found in our solar system, named Sedna, was discovered by astronomers at the Mount Palomar Observatory.

Picture Of The Day: One of the few times in life where there is truly a "free ride."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've gotta stop saying, "How stupid can one be?" Too many people are taking it as a challenge. 2) Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. 3) Always remember to think - it gives you something to do while the Internet is down. 4) My ex didn't suffer from stress, but she was a carrier. 5) An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience; equally, a democrat is just a republican who has not yet been mugged.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 14th: Falling in love is an absolute blessing and will fill your life with sugar plums and pretty flowers. The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you may not see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and standing toe-to-toe with people you like.

Birthdays: Robert Fulton, inventor, engineer, and painter 1765, Claude Monet, painter 1840, Jawaharlal Nehru, first Prime Minister of India 1889, Mamie Eisenhower, First Lady 1896, Aaron Copland, composer 1900, Astrid Lindgren, writer 1907, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, ex-Secretary General of the U.N. 1922, McLean Stevenson, actor 1929, Hussein I, King of Jordan 1935, Wendy Carlos, composer and musician 1939, Charles, Prince of Wales heir to the British throne 1948, Condoleezza Rice, government official 1954.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A old man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says, "Hold on a second here. You can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" The old man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick." The bartender says, "Well then, lets see!"

The old man whips out his member and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his member without a single scratch. He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says, "I would, but don't hit me with that stick."

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman, so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well.

As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again."

One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject.

Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar, "Free beer for anyone who can pass the test!" The guy asks the bartender what the test is.

The bartender says, "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a lion out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. As time goes on and the man drinks a few.

He gets up and says to the bartender, "Wherez that teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. He says, "Now, where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

A preacher goes into a bar and says, "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

That's it for today, my little puddy tats. Remember, the difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. I'm off to  AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Linda's World said...

A recent email from Possum, led me to believe he was up to something devious. He said he's really sick of you coming in at all hours and waking him up when he's sleeping, so was going to find out if you recognized PAY BACK. Hehehehehe

jack69 said...

love Bieber's line! Good read all the way thru, Thanks for the entertainment.
I hope the guy made out ok with the tooth.
Imma giggling and laughing, Sherry looks over, You must be reading Jimmy!
She will be here shortly.
Take care we are in SC, near Pleasure Island, SC headed for Wildwood in a week.

salemslot9 said...

happy thanksgiving
Jimmy & Possum :)