Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Difference Between Man And Woman

There's a book (and a concept) called "Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus." I did not read the book, nor did I find it necessary to do so. The concept, however, has generally seemed to be to be amusingly accurate. With that in mind, I give you the following thoughts.

Nicknames: If Linda, Julie, Paula, Joann and Martha go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Julie, Paula, Joann and Martha. But if Mike, Jack, John and Rob go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Dipshit, Beer Breath and Tubby.

Eating Out: and when the check comes, Mike, Jack, John and Rob will each throw in a $20 bill, even though the total bill is only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Bathrooms: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about twenty years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Seinfeld."

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

The News As I See It: Lady Gaga has a role in the new movie "Men in Black 3." She's a creepy alien who can only breathe through her tentacles. I don't know what she is playing in the movie.

Yesterday was the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. For New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it was a holy day.

I'm still getting over the fact that "The Artist" won the best picture Oscar. Some critics believe this will bring back silent films. I think that before we bring back silent films, we should start by bringing back silent audiences.

People at the Academy Awards were talking about Angelina Jolie's dress, which showed off none of one leg and all of the other leg. She's very thin. Uggie, the dog from the "The Artist", was behind her on the red carpet. He didn't know whether to hump her leg or bury it.

Obama announced that due to the rising price of oil and gas, they are considering dipping into the national strategic re-election reserves. Sorry, I meant strategic oil reserves.

Rick Santorum says he's against separation of church and state. Now if we can just get him to be against the separation of sweaters and sleeves.

This Date In History: 46 B.C.; The first Leap Day proclaimed by Julius Caesar. 1692; Three women, Sarah Goode, Sarah Osborne, and Tituba, were the first to be accused of witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts. 1784; John Wesley issues "Deed of Declaration" formally establishing the Methodist Church.

1796; George Washington proclaimed Jay's Treaty in effect. 1849; The steamship California landed in San Francisco, bringing the first East Coasters to the Gold Rush. 1916; Henry James, American novelist and critic, died.

1940; Hattie McDaniel became the first black woman to win an Oscar. She won the Best Supporting Actress award for her role as Mammy in Gone with the Wind. 1944; General Douglas MacArthur led the invasion of the Admiralty Islands. 1948; The last British troops left India.

1960; Hugh Hefner opened the first Playboy Club in Chicago. 1968; Robert McNamara resigned as Secretary of Defense in the wake of the Tet offensive. 1972; Hank Aaron became the first baseball player to sign a $200,000 a year contract. 1983; The final episode of M*A*S*H aired. It was the most watched television program in history.

1986; Swedish Prime Minister Olof Palme was shot to death in central Stockholm. 1993; Four federal agents were killed in Waco, Texas, after they tried to serve an arrest warrant for weapons charges on Branch Davidian sect leader David Koresh, starting a 51-day standoff.

Picture Of The Day: My pals Garnett and Jack have implied that my personality seems to manifest itself in this picture. I represent that remark....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) At the bar last week, the bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my ex-mother-in-law. 2) When Brother Kirt and I were young, we liked to play in the sandbox, but the cat kept covering us up. 3) My friend joined a bridge club. He jumps off next Tuesday. 4) I've been trying to figure out why is there is an expiration date on sour cream. 5) This politically correct thing is really getting out of hand. Now you have to refer to blondes with limited intelligence as a light-haired detour off the information superhighway.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 29th: Take the time to enjoy your birthday! The next one's in four years. Hey, at least you're not aging like the rest of us. Chance of romance is 97.62 percent which is considerably high for a person who uses a birthday as an excuse for sex.

Birthdays: Ann Lee, religious visionary 1736, Gioacchino Rossini, Italian Composer 1792, Herman Hollerith, inventor 1860, Antonio Sabato, Jr., actor 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A couple is skinny dipping in a lake and when they return to shore, they discover that pranksters have stolen their clothes and blanket. Embarrassed, the couple run to their car and began driving back to their home. The boyfriend is so busy trying to drive and console his nervous girlfriend that he crashes the car into a tree outside of a neighborhood bar and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat.

He tells his girlfriend to go inside the bar and get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe, cover your breasts with one hand, your pubic area with the shoe, and get help!"

She takes the shoe and runs into the bar. Inside, the bar is almost deserted with the exception of the town drunk. She runs over to the drunk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The drunks replies, "I’m sorry lady, but I think he's too far in."

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys."

The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, "Wait!" The priest says, "What’s wrong?!" The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Sister Nancy sticks her ass in it."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and his wife were driving across the country on their way from New York to California. Passing through a small town in West Virginia, the man decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 5 minutes later, he spots a gas station and pulls over to the high octane pump. The attendant asked,"What can I do for ya'll?" The man replied, "Fill it up with high test."

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he looks at the car up and asks, "What kinda car is this? I never seen one like it before." The man said, "This is a 2012 Cadillac Seville STS." The attendant asks, "What it got in it?"

The man says, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, Sony sound system, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package and best of all, a fuel injected V8 engine." The attendant says, "That's really something!"

The man says, "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" The attendant says, "That'll be $30.17." The man pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.

Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. The attendant asks, "What are those little wooden things?" The man says, "That's what I put my balls on when I drive." The attendant says, "Wow! Those Cadillac people think of everything!"

One day a woman went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday. She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.

So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap. Then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." She told him that she would take it.

As she was getting the fishing pole rung up, she felt the sudden need to fart, really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose. The blind man looked up and says, "It all comes up to $85." Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70." He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole, $5 for the stink bait and $10 for the duck call."

That's it for today, my little spark plugs. Remember, in order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. I'm going to AREA 51 at Mango Martini Restaurant and Lounge to hear my pal Everett and "The Mighty Band With No Name." More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, February 27, 2012

Daytona - The Nascar 2012 Season Begins

Assuming the rain gods will cooperate, the Daytona 500 will get the green flag in a little less than fifteen minutes. Delayed and postponed, waiting for this race has been like sitting in the doctor's waiting room for the last two days. If tonight's race is anything like the Truck and Nationwide races on Friday and Saturday, it should be a dilly.

Carl Edwards has the pole position with Greg Biffle on the outside pole, but and it's a fast and healthy field including Danica Patrick in her Sprint Cup debut. Hold on to your hats folks, this one's going to be wild!

On a side note, I had some Haagen Daz ice cream this afternoon and for the first time in years, I got brain freeze. I had almost forgotten the sudden onrush of unbelievable pain. The only thing that was missing was to hit my knee on the coffee table to complete the daily double. My cat, Shithead, seemed to enjoy my plight as the amount of ice cream I leave in the bowl for him was more than usual. If he got brain freeze as well is as yet, unknown.

The News As I See It: Sunday's Academy Awards was that magical night where everyone sat around in tee shirts, sweatpants and old shorts, criticizing the way famous women are dressed. The show reminded me of a Jet Blue flight. It just sat there waiting to take off. I did enjoy Cirque Du Soleil act, though. I was also pleased to see Merryl Streep finally win again.

Obama finally addressed rising gas prices. He focused on the positive things his administration has done when it comes to energy prices. In other words, it was the shortest speech he's ever given. He's starting to get a little overconfident, though. In an interview with Univision radio, he said, "My presidency isn't over yet, and I've still got five more years." Even his predictions are over budget.

With gas prices soaring, we're going to be seeing more hybrid cars. The Prius is known as a hybrid because it can run on either electricity or the smugness of the owner. I don't know, it's hard to look cool at a stoplight when you step on the gas and your car whines like a Lady Shick electric razor.

Lindsay Lohan is making a remake of an old equestrian movie with Elizabeth Taylor called "National Velvet." I think it's a trick. She just wants to get her hands on some horse tranquilizers.

This Date In History: 1844; Dominican Republic gained independence from Haiti. 1933; German Reichstag building in Berlin was destroyed by fire. 1951; The 22nd Amendment to the Constitution was ratified, limiting the President to two terms.

1973; Members of the American Indian Movement occupied the village of Wounded Knee, S.D. 1991; Kuwait was liberated in the Gulf War. 2003; Fred Rogers, of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, died.

Picture Of The Day: The Volt - Another great idea from the toilet.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know you're getting older when you're afraid to cough in an elevator because you're unsure of which end it will come out. 2) The evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 3) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 4) The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 5) You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 27th: Today will start slow, but most Mondays do anyway, so no worries. Cloudy skies will clear and the stars will come out. The moon, like a testicle, hangs low. Signs point toward a great evening and the chance of romance is 72.37 percent.

Birthdays: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet 1807, Alice Hamilton, physician, reformer 1869, Hugo Black, Supreme Court Justice 1886, Marian Anderson, contralto 1897, John Steinbeck, American writer 1902, Ariel Sharon, general and politician 1928, Elizabeth Taylor, actress 1932, Ralph Nader, consumer advocate 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy is sitting alone in a bar nursing his drink. The bartender is at the other end of the bar cleaning a glass. The guy suddenly hears a little whisper of a voice that says, "Nice hat." He looks around but he’s the only one nearby. He thinks nothing of it and keeps drinking.

A few minutes later he hears this same voice, "Nice shirt." Now he’s getting a little paranoid because there’s still no one else in the bar. He calls the bartender over and orders another drink. Several minutes later he hears the voice say, "Nice tie." He just about loses it.

He calls the bartender over and says, "Man, I'm going crazy! I keep hearing voices!" The bartender asks, "What are they saying?" The guys says, "Nice hat, nice shirt, nice tie." The bartender says, "Ah, it’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know, that's from your grandma."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says, "Yes! How did you figure that out?" She replied, "Easy, you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?" She says, "Didn't feel a thing!"

Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for the two women who are ahead of them at the next hole to finish. They wait a few minutes, but soon get irritated at the amount of time the women are taking to play the hole. One of the men decides that enough is enough. He tells his friend, "I'm going to go up there and tell those two to hurry up!"

He starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he returns to his friend. "What's wrong?" his friend asks. "I can't go over there. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress." His friend tells him, "That's okay, I'll go talk to them."

He too starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he too returns to his friend. He tells his friend, "Small world..."

That's it for today, my little Oscar nominees. Remember, the voices in your head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, February 24, 2012

Why I Never Carry A Gun To Go Grocery Shopping

Grocery shopping is an experience in and of itself and the first cardinal sin of intelligent grocery shopping is forgetting to eat before you go. This error usually guarantees the purchase of cookies, dark chocolate, ice cream and other decadent non-essentials.

Then, there's always the woman who brings her entire litter, with each little imp either crying to ride in the baby seat or demanding at the top of his lungs that his mother purchase candy or cereal. Usually she doesn't have enough sense to smack the little bastard or has lost what little sanity she ever had.

The best best area of the grocery store is the deli and bakery area. If I were writing a book about grocery shopping, some of the steamiest chapters would take place there. If romance exists in a grocery store, it is the deli-bakery area that it is spawned. I like to refer to it as the provocatively dressed department.

The mouth watering aroma of the bakery wafts throughout the area and seems to stimulate the senses. I always make it my first stop because It seems to set the mood for the remainder of the trip. The obligatory "take-a-ticket" and wait scenario ofttimes turned me off in my younger days. As years passed and I was single again, I spent more leisure time shopping for groceries and even more time in the deli-bakery area. Lots of pretty ladies there.

When I finish my shopping, it's time to head toward the checkout area. For some reason, every time I decided to check out, the once uncrowded store now has a population the size of Rhode Island, all of whom having decided that they, too, will checkout at the precise time that I do.

The registers, all with long lines, normally have the obligatory lady pushing the cart that has been converted to look like a race car. She has 2.5 children, ages 14, 12 and 6 with her, two of whom are riding in the race cart. Inside the cart is approximately 250 pounds of assorted groceries.

I always attempt to decide in which crowded line I want to spend the rest of my life. Occasionally, a cashier will open a new register and the race begins. I move toward the new cashier, cutting off race cart lady and maintaining my rules of grocery shopping, to wit; women children and Jimmy first (and not necessarily in that order).

Getting into the shortest line is not always a benefit and I have chosen longer lines if the scenery benefits the wait. I never complain if there's a cute girl in shorts and a t-top unloading her cart in front of me.

You have to beware of "divider bar lady" who, upon seeing you begin unloading your cart, immediately grabs the divider and quickly places it at the end of her groceries. Her furtive and leering glances insure that you dare not encroach upon her area lest the two grocery piles intermingle and possibly spawn a third bastard grocery pile.

The worst shoppers always appear normal. Halfway through the checkout process, it will dawn on them that they forgot something and will be "right back." Naturally, when they finally return, their groceries have long since been checked out and everyone is waiting for her to come back.

I don't let this type of shopper bother me too much as I always grab a Motor Trend magazine, a Bassmasters fishing magazine, some C batteries and a couple of Herschey bars and add them to her order. "Right Back Lady" never notices because she's digging through her purse trying to find her checkbook. This process adds another five minutes to the wait.

Once I'm checked out, I always stop by the weight scales to see how much money I've lost and then proceed to the car. I've learned not to let grocery shopping bother me and I treat each trip as an experience, Some trips are good and some are bad, but it's the ones that get rained out that bother me......

I saw many fellow musicians and friends on my trek to AREA 51 at Mango Martini Restaurant and Lounge on Wednesday. Quite a few people still had ashes on their foreheads from services for Ash Wednesday with the exception of one blonde who had too many margaritas and passed out in an ashtray.

The News As I See It: A lunch menu from the Titanic is expected to sell for $150,000 at an auction next month. The menu starts out great, but once you get to the iceberg lettuce wedge, it’s a total disaster.

Oil prices have jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.

Taco Bell is coming out with a taco that's wrapped in a Doritos shell. If for some reason that doesn't sound appealing to you, you're not stoned right now.

Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds.

The Oscars are this Sunday and 40 million people are expected to watch it on ABC. Side effects include nausea, headaches, and sexual dysfunction.

A new study found that 16 percent of Americans under the age of 24 don’t have a job. Yeah, that group's called Art History majors.

This Date In History: 1582; Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull introducing the Gregorian calendar reform. 1803; The Supreme Court ruled in Marbury v. Madison that any act of Congress which conflicts with the Constitution is null and void. 1821; Mexico declared its independence from Spain.

1868; Andrew Johnson, 17th president of the United States, became the first president to have impeachment proceedings brought against him by the House of Representatives. 1903; The lease for Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was signed.

1920; Adolf Hitler outlined the basic points of the Nazi party at the Hofbrauhaus in Munich. 1968; The discovery of a pulsar was announced. 1980; The U.S. hockey team defeated Finland to win the gold medal at the Lake Placid Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: Grocery shopping has its occasional distractions. Sometimes, they're worth it.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Watching those commercials showing how detergents take out bloodstains leads me to believe that if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. 2) I have realized that if it weren't for marriage, I would have gone through life thinking I had no faults at all. 3) I recently checked out some of my high school pals on Facebook and most of them are old people. 4) Sex at age 80 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. 5) A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been robbed or mugged yet.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 24th: This day is tailor made for you. Go to a nice restaurant for lunch and buy a few lottery tickets. Oh, and buy gas... The prices will continue to rise. Chances for romance are 67.62 percent and even higher if you've got gas.... from the gas station.... You know what I mean!

Birthdays: My pal Dutch - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Winslow Homer, American Painter 1836, Honus Wagner, baseball player 1874, Chester William Nimitz, admiral 1885, Joseph Lieberman, politician 1942, Steve Jobs, entrepreneur 1955, Paula Zahn, TV news reporter, anchor 1956, Billy Zane, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell." The therapist said, "That's perfectly natural, my dear. I don't see what the problem is?" The woman said, "The problem is that it wakes me up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

While shopping for vacation clothes, a man and his wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice.

She asked, "What do you think? Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" Her husband replied, "Better get a bikini. You'd never get it all in one."

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. She said, "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!" An older woman overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless. The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, the best contraceptive for old people is nudity. I'm heading to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Early Happy Hour - Late Post - An Evening with my pal Everett and The Mighty Band With No Name

Okay, I'm a bit late posting but I went to happy hour in AREA 51 to see my pal Everett and The Mighty Band With No Name perform at Mango Martini in Miami Lakes. Not only that, I was fortunate to sing with the Everett and the band. Add four Dewars' scotch on the rocks and the always crazy influence of my pal Emilio and I'll be very happy if today's post is even readable.

That being the case I'll just post some pictures. If they're a bit blurry, keep in mind that it's no piece of cake trying to take pictures and hold a glass of scotch.

The News As I See It: You can tell gas prices are going up. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.

There were a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.Rick Santorum is so conservative, when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.

Italian authorities seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. Treasury bonds. Pretty good counterfeit job, too. They look just like the genuine worthless Treasury bonds.

People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. Washington did not have wooden teeth. Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope and Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania. He was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn't socialist enough.

Obama was in Los Angeles last week hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why he was seen in the audience line that morning at "The Price Is Right." Barack Obama, come on down!"

This Date In History: 1371; Robert II succeeded to the throne of Scotland, beginning the Stuart dynasty. 1819; Spain ceded Florida to the United States. 1879; Frank Winfield Woolworth opened his first "Five Cent Store" in Utica, New York.

1924; Calvin Coolidge made the first presidential radio broadcast from the White House. 1935; Airplanes were no longer permitted to fly over the White House. 1980; In a major upset, the U.S. Olympic hockey team defeated the Soviets 4–3 at Lake Placid, New York.

Picture Of The Day: Take your pick. I like the top photo the best.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm rarely intimidated by a woman. Overwhelmed, yes, but rarely intimidated. 2) I'm not impressed that your kid's on the honor role, but I am impressed if he's wise enough to say please and thank you. 3) I've found that I can have the body of a twenty-five year old, providing I buy her a few drinks first. 4) I think the president and members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms just like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors. 5) At the bank yesterday, I went through the little rope maze that they put up when the bank is busy. The funny thing is that there were no customers in the bank, yet I went through the maze anyway. The teller gave me my deposit receipt but neglected to give me my cheese reward..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - September22nd: Too late for any valid thoughts. Do the best you can.

Birthdays: My pals Larry and Robin celebrate their birthdays today. Happy Birthday all ! 19XX, George Washington, first president of the United States of America 1732, Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher 1788, James Russell Lowell, poet, critic, and editor 1819, Edna St. Vincent Millay, poet 1892, Edward Kennedy, U.S. Senator 1932, Jonathan Demme, director, producer, screenwriter 1944, Julius Erving, basketball player 1950, Drew Barrymore, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting and for $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. The old man says, "So, you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" The old lady says, "Get serious, I want it four times in the rocking chair!"

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: During a commercial airline flight an Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been using chewing gum."

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. The nurse said, "No, I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

The attorney began complaining and insulting the nurse, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out! He continues cursing at the nurse as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room and says "What's going on here?" The attorney snottily answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake, while her dad gets his haircut. The barber says to her, "Careful, sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." The little girls says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."

That's it for today, my little sugar plums. Remember, don't follow Jimmy when he goes to happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, February 20, 2012

What's In A Name?

Let's suppose that life is comparable to screen names. You have your given name and you've always answered to it. But now, you attempt to use your given name and you're told that it's been taken. You definitely don't want to socialize being called Jimmy33 or Gladys12, so you have to give up your first name and choose another. What name would you chose?

This is not an easy task and a lot of thought should be put into your decision. Take the case of a man named Harry Lipschitz who went before a judge to legally change his name. The judge said, "I can readily see the reasoning behind your desire to change your name, sir. What would you like to change it to?" Harry said, "Murray Lipschitz."

How about a nifty nickname? I don't mean the obvious uses like "Jimmy" in lieu of "James" or "Kate" in lieu of "Katherine", but a really cool nickname. You know, like "Bugsy" or "Scarface" or even more complex, like "Tony the tiger" or "Eric the Red".

I have always liked the name "Michael" for some reason and that is the name I would choose. I haven't rowed any boats ashore but if that job were available, I'd be one of the possible applicants. If I had a nickname, I like the name "Lefty". It wouldn't make much sense since I'm right-handed, but I've never heard of anyone nicknamed "Righty."

Life isn't always kind and some names don't seem to have been well thought out. The Harry Harrisons, Tommy Thompsons, Willie Williams and Johnnie Johnsons of the world are all well aware of that fact. Of course if your parents named you Lakeesha, Moneesha or Sasquatcha, chances are you would be one of the few fighting for the right to the name. Then again, if your name is Rumplestiltskin......

When gas prices rose to $4 a gallon during the Bush administration, the media was all over his ass. Gas prices are now over $4 a gallon in some states and expected to be higher that $4 a gallon on a national average within weeks. Let's see how the "unbiased" media treats Obama......

The News As I See It: Jeremy Lin led the Knicks to their seventh straight win last week. Soon he'll be getting all the benefits of being an NBA star, He’ll get a salary bump, an endorsement deal and a Kardashian.

Researchers say that technology could be available soon to allow people to live to be 150 years old. To which Larry King's wife said, "Oh, Hell No!"

Paul McCartney told Rolling Stone magazine that his pot-smoking days are over. How ironic. He's finally at the age where he can use medical marijuana, and now he quits.

This Date In History: 1792; President George Washington signed the Post Office Act, establishing a permanent Post Office Department. 1809; The Supreme Court ruled the power of the federal government is greater than that of any individual state.

1895; Frederick Douglass, abolitionist, author, and orator, died. 1962; John Glenn became the first American to orbit Earth. 1998; Tara Lipinski won the Olympic figure skating gold medal. 2003; A fire in a nightclub in Warwick, R.I., killed 100 and injured over 150.

Picture Of The Day: I'm unsure of the name of the photoshop artist who produced this picture, but I liked it very much. It's called "The Waterfalls of Spring."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In order for me to fly on any airplane, I must be fueled up with Johnny Walker Black at the same time as the airplane is fueled. 2) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at the AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill. 3) Tequila will never be my downfall as the worm does not justify the hangover. 4) At a bar one evening, I was asked by some young people about the origin of the phrase "four score and seven years ago". I told them it was a soccer term. 5) The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem: 30 percent of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem." 70 percent of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 20th: Judging from the number of my pals celebrating their birthdays today, I suggest the rest of you should get to the liquor store as soon as you can. Chances of romance is 98.6 percent with temperatures (among other things) rising.

Birthdays: My pals Donna, Everett, Gary, JoAnn and Tom are all celebrating birthdays today. I'm guessing that it was a cold and rainy night about nine months prior to their births and a full moon, for sure! Happy Birthday all! 19XX, Honore Daumier, caricaturist, painter 1808, Louis Kahn, architect 1901, Ansel Adams, American Photographer 1902, Robert Altman, director 1925, Sidney Poitier, actor 1927, Bobby Unser, auto racer 1934, Buffy Sainte-Marie, singer, songwriter 1941, Phil Esposito, hockey player 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."The other man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The first man said, "Yes, that's the one." He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Pat in the U.K. for her contribution to today's stories.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! The bartender says, "Where on earth did you get that?" The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him ans says, "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ~ each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets really excited and without hesitation says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks, and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.' The man says, "Tell me about it! Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers and says. "Been on holiday yet, lads?'' John says, We're off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim nods in agreement.

The bartender says, "Ah, England! Wonderful Country... the history, the beer, the culture....'' John says, "Nah, we don't like that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English. They're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.'' The bartender asks, "So why keep going to England?" John replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive...."

That's it for today, my little ginger snaps. Remember, never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !