Friday, June 29, 2012

Walking In High Cotton Beats Picking It

Yesterday was a great day for Obama as his healthcare law was upheld by the Supreme Court. Obama apparently had three speeches ready to go. One if the law was overturned, one if the law was upheld and one if O'Biden chewed up the other two.

Some people watching CNN were very shocked at the Supreme Court decision. No, I'm just kidding. No one watches CNN or their rainbow anchors.

According to a poll by National Geographic, 65 percent of Americans said Obama would better handle an invasion by space aliens than Mitt Romney. Sure, once the aliens landed, they'd see there's no jobs and they'd go home.

I'm looking forward to the Fourth of July. Call me old-fashioned but what I love best about the Fourth of July is all of the flags. Of course, they're all made in China but still it's the sentiment that counts. 

The News As I See It: If you're an illegal immigrant in Arizona, hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life.

CNN was first to announce the Supreme Court decision to uphold Obamacare, but they got it wrong. They said the mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN, so nobody saw it.

For the first time ever, Saudi Arabia is going to allow women to compete in the Summer Olympics. The rumor is that Saudi women are excellent runners — because they're not allowed to drive.

Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table.

Joe O'Biden, talking about the economy, said it's a depression for millions of Americans. He used the word "depression" to describe the economy. I don't know if Mitt Romney has picked a running mate yet, but Joe O'Biden sounds like he'd be perfect.

Yesterday, the NBA Draft began. The New York Knicks have the 48th pick in the draft. What do they hope to get — a ballboy? The Knicks' position on this is that we will take the best athlete available......and so will Kim Kardashian.

This Date In History: 1613; London's Globe Theatre burned down during a performance of Shakespeare'sHenry VIII. 1767; The British Parliament approved the Townshend Acts. 1972; The Supreme Court ruled in Furman v. Georgia that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual" prompting some states to revise their laws.

1995; The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit Earth. 2003; Actress Katharine Hepburn died.

Picture Of The Day: Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, sniff some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking. 2) Your "other car" is just as crummy as my "other car." 3) During my high school years, I worked for weeks trying to get a date with a beautiful blonde. On our first date, while in the living room meeting her parents, her Dad said, "Look, there's dog shit on the rug." I didn't even have to look..... 4) I have no tattoos or body piercings, however, I do have several bites marks on my shoulders. 5) The one thing that both White and Black people know, but Spanish people do not, is that chicken is food, not a roommate.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 29th: Tequila could possibly be your downfall but keep in mind that the worm does not justify the hangover. Avoid sidestreets at all costs today. It's Friday and thugs will be on the prey. Aside from that, things look good and the chance of romance is 61.05 percent.

Birthdays: George Goethals, engineer 1858, George Ellery Hale, astronomer 1868, James Van Der Zee, photographer 1886, Antoine de Saint Exupéry, aviator 1900, Slim Pickens, cowboy actor 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of love. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son....."Go get your Mother." 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Wally and  Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer mumbles to himself, "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt." Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay", and he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" The golfer replies, "definitely", and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I am the Devil and from this day forward you will have no sex life." The golfer replies, "Nice to meet you. I'm Father O'Malley!"

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation, "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. Jill continued, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. The word is: sternum."

That's it for today, my little meadowlarks. Remember, money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. AREA 51 is my destination this evening. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

How Do You Stop A Gluttonous Monster ?

Austerity is a word that most of us have learned to accept and adapt to, thanks to the national economy and the idiots who run this country. We have had to learn to live within our means. The federal government has not. They spend monies that they do not have. At least on the federal level.....

Stockton, California will declare bankruptcy in the next 24 hours. Other cities like Detroit, Michigan will soon be following suit. Why? Because they spend more money than they take in. It doesn't take a Rhodes scholar to see the problem. Any one who works for a living and has a checkbook can figure it out.

The federal government may attempt to help some of these struggling cities, but you can't bail out every city in America. It's time to go to school on the situations in Greece and Spain.

Joe Theisman, former NFL quarterback, has become another commercial television whore, joining former NFL coach Jimmy Johnson in whoring products on television that are not approved by the FDC. Johnson currently pimps for Extenze (a supposed male-enhancement product which makes it perfect to be hawked by a dick like Jimmy Johnson) and Theisman pimps for Super Beta Prostate.

Neither product is proven to work and both can be dangerous to use. Moreover, both products are currently under investigation and litigation. Celebrity endorsements, in and of themselves, are repugnant. When done to promote, aid or abet scams, it is shameless. What people will do for a buck. What's next guys....pimping the women in your family?

The News As I See It: New York is having its swimming race around Manhattan Island this weekend. You go to the Hudson, up the East River, then back down the Hudson, a total of 28 miles around Manhattan. The winner gets a trophy and hepatitis.

According to The Wall Street Journal, analysts say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free.

Joe O'Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao.

Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election. President Obama would be affected too. Because if there's no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born?

Former President Jimmy Carter has criticized the U.S. for using drones to kill terrorists. A lot of people agree with Carter. They're all terrorists, but they agree with Carter.

Mitt Romney held a weekend retreat for his donors which included dancing a buffet dinner. I guess that explains why Governor Chris Christie’s invitation got "lost in the mail."

A new study says it is ok for women to drink during pregnancy. Why not? Many of them were drunk when they got pregnant in the first place.

Gas prices are expected to drop to around $3 a gallon by this fall. The price drop is the result of a complicated system. It's called the election.

This Date In History: 1844; Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints founder Joseph Smith was murdered by a mob in Carthage, Illinois. 1898; Joshua Slocum became the first person to successfully circumnavigate the earth alone when he landed his sloop Spray in Newport, Rhode Island, a 46,000-mile trip.

1922; The Newbery Medal for children’s literature was first awarded. 1950; President Harry S. Truman ordered the Air Force and Navy into the Korean War. 1954; The world's first atomic power station opened at Obninsk, near Moscow. 1969; Police and gays clashed at the Stonewall Inn in New York City, fostering the gay rights movement.

1985; The legendary Route 66, running from Chicago to Santa Monica, California, was decertified, the victim of the Interstate Highway System. 2003; The national do-not-call registry, formed to combat unwanted telemarketing calls and administered by the Federal Trade Commission, enrolled almost three-quarters of a million phone numbers on its first day.

Picture Of The Day: The beautiful beaches of Puerto Rico (thanks Tania). On another note, you can view all of the pictures larger by simply clicking on them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 2) There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 3) We are born naked, wet and hungry and the first thing that happens is we get slapped on our ass. From there, things just keep getting worse. 4) Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can, unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it. 5) So I told her, don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 27th: Hump Day! Although there's no message for you in that phrase, you might want to go to happy hour to see for yourself. I have been known to err on occasion (sorry, that horse looked like a sure thing). Chance of romance is high assuming your intended choice is high as well.

Birthdays: Charles Stewart Parnell statesman 1846, Frank Rattray Lillie zoologist and educator 1870, Helen Keller, American author and lecturer, blind and deaf from the age of two 1880, Bob Keeshan Captain Kangaroo 1927, H. Ross Perot business executive 1930, Vera Wang fashion designer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Crestview, Florida couple drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have the car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?" The second old man replied, "I think she is dead!" The first old man said, "What do you mean you think she is dead?" The second old man answered, "Well....the sex is the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......" Mrs. Smith cut in, "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," The photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." Mrs. Smith replied, "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" The photographer said, "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too can really spread out!" Mrs. Smith said, "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

The photographer said, "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." Mrs. Smith gasped, "My, my, that's a lot of....."

The photographer continued, "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." Mrs Smith quietly answered, "Don't I know it."

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus and these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." Mrs. Smith asked, "She was difficult ?"

The photgrapher replied, "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement said, "Four and five deep?"

The photographer said, "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward, "You mean they actually chewed on your ?" The photgrapher answered, "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." Mrs. Smith gasped, "Tripod??" The photographer said,  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.........Madam? Madam??"

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so an older man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time, they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. The man said, "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits. Why don't you unbutton your blouse and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she unbuttoned, then took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. The husband said, "Let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband opened the cage door, pushed his wife in and said with an evil smile, "Now, tell him you have a headache!"

That's it for today, my little poppy seeds. Remember, if you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 tfor happy hour and maybe a little karaoke. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, June 25, 2012

Just When You Thought It Was Safe.....

Things don't always go as planned sometimes and one would hope that get-aways and vacations would be exempt from Murphy's Law, but alas, they aren't. It just seems that some days you're the windshield and some days, you're the bug.

Although things normally work out for the better in the long run, it's those short spurts of bad luck that tries one's patience. Whether it's the proverbial toast landing peanut butter side down or stepping in the exact spot in 1000 square feet of public property where your neighbor's dog recently took a dump, when your luck is on a bad streak, things just go downhill.

I have triumphed over my recent experience with the infamous Mr. Murphy and I have done a major overhaul on all of my electronics so that they are all on the same page......with the exception of my scanner/copier. They are not compatible. I don't know if it is something the copier might have said or if my new computer is an electronic racist, but (by design), they just won't work together.

I now realize more than ever that the evolution of electronics has more to do with rendering every other product one owns useless and less toward the betterment of mankind. That said, I'm up and running in every department.....unless I need a copy.

The News As I See It: According to Rielle Hunter, John Edwards lied to her when they first met, saying he was seeing three other woman so she wouldn't get attached to him. He lied about that. That's got to be tough to keep straight for Edwards. Lying to your wife that you're not seeing another woman while lying to the other woman that you are seeing three other women. Guys, don't try this! John Edwards is a former trial lawyer and a U.S. senator. He is a trained professional liar! You will never, ever be able to keep up with him!

Obama has released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial’s title, “Fifty Shades of Change.”

The Miami Heat are the new NBA champions. The fans are going nuts. In fact, last night 10,000 more Cubans rafted over to Miami just for the party.

The Chicago police are sponsoring a gun buy-back program. Anyone who returns a gun, no questions asked, gets a $100 gift certificate in return. Attorney general Eric Holder said, "Why didn't I think of that?"

Mitt Romney accused Obama of pandering to the Latino community. Obama replied that he was too busy to comment because he was watching Telemundo and eating chalupas.

The Obama campaign unveiled its new ad to target Hispanics. There's really not much to it. Basically, Obama is saying, "Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden." (Basically, I'm saying "Que Come Mierda.").

According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition, which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses or space rangers.

This Date In History: 1788; Virginia became the 10th state in the Union. 1876; Lt. Col. George A. Custer and all his men were killed by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians at the Battle of Little Bighorn in Montana.

1950; Communist North Korean troops invaded South Korea, beginning the Korean War. 1951; The first commercial color TV program was transmitted by CBS from New York to Baltimore, Philadelphia, Boston, and Washington, DC.

1991; Croatia and Slovenia proclaimed their independence from Yugoslavia, beginning the Yugoslavian civil war. 1997; Oceanographer Jacques Cousteau died. 2009; Michael Jackson, pop singer, dies at age 50.

Picture Of The Day: The Photoshop always amuses me but there are occasional, obvious errors in thought that show me that the picture has been photoshopped. In today's picture, the fish is a Snook, only found in warm, salt waters. The location, by flora and fauna, is low lying, freshwater and definitely southern. The bear is a Grizzly bear, found mostly in the northwest. The combination isn't correct but the thought is funny.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 2) If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 3) Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then, neither does milk. 4) Accidents don't just happen, they must be carelessly planned. 5) Partners help each other undress before sex. After sex, they always dress on their own. See? No one helps you after you're screwed.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 25th: An early heads up...tomorrow, you're going to get out of the wrong side of the bed, so make sure your bedroom window is closed. Today will go rather smoothly assuming you remember where that inadvertent detour took you yesterday on the way to work. Other than that, you'll be fine. Chance of romance is 36.71 percent, more or less.....

Birthdays: Antonio Gaudí, architect 1852, Robert Henri, painter 1865, George Abbott, theatrical producer 1887, George Orwell, (pseudonym of Eric Arthur Blair), British novelist and essayist 1903,  James Meredith, civil-rights leader 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old  man walked into a pharmacy and handed the pharmacist a prescription for Viagra. The pharmacist told him that the prescription would be ready in 15 minutes. The old man said, "That's fine. Would you please cut the Viagra tablets into quarters."

The pharmacist said, "No problem, but you should know that a quarter of a Viagra tablet won't really do much for your sex life, The old man replied, "That's ok, I just need it to stick out enough so that I don't pee on my shoes."

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars"  

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Wally and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

The fifth grade teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up. Akio said, "Patrick Henry, 1775." The teacher said, "Very good!"

The teacher continued, "Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher said, "Excellent! let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said, "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do." She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs." The teacher angrily demanded, "Who said that? I want to know right now!" Little Akio put his hand up and said, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right!!! Now who said that!?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004." The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!" Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. The investigator says, "Simpson, you were near the scene, what happened?" Simpson says, "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

The investigator, in stunned horror, exclaims, "He was smoking in the mixing room?" How long had he been with the company?" Simpson replied, "About 20 years, sir." The investigator says, "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room. I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." Simpson replied, "It was, sir."

That's it for today, my little French fries. Remember, money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than on a bicycle. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 22, 2012

Life's A Beach !

Sometimes you have to take a step back, grab a beer, take a good look at the world and say "Screw it!". Responsibility dictates the this attitude can only be adhered to in short spurts but an occasional soul cleansing is good for one's health. The only thing missing from the above picture is my Mom and Dad and their dog "Didi".

My way of escaping life's rush hour is to go fishing or head out to the woods and observe the earth's flora and fauna. It's always free of honking horns and the ever present dissertations, opinions and general ignorance of the public.

I've never caught a large mouth bass that I could prove was a democrat although the name itself is rather suggestive. In nature, neither the hawks nor doves that I have observed have shown any political affiliations.

Silence in nature is deafening and one has to re-tune one's ears to appreciate the chatter. Nature has it's own language and once mastered offer insights and a peaceful feeling that shutters out life's realities.

In Miami, we're fortunate to have both the Atlantic Ocean and, at the same time, the Florida Everglades. Both worlds are equally enjoyable to me and, more importantly, a time-to-time avenue of escape. Yep, sometimes life's a beach.......

What have we learned in 2,066 years? "The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero - 55 BC. Evidently nothing.

The News As I See It: The Supreme Court has ruled that TV networks can show momentary nudity. So, by popular demand, "The View" is now a radio show. On the upside, "Wheel of Fortune" should become a lot more interesting.

It was reported that the U.S. Navy recovered 19 tons of marijuana that had been dumped into the ocean. Two hours later, the Navy invaded Taco Bell.

It was pretty hot in the New York area this week (how hot was it?). It was so hot that Solyndra, the solar company actually made money. It was so hot, that Attorney General Eric Holder was selling water guns to Mexican drug gangs.

Wednesday, June 20th, was the first day of summer, which means if your Christmas decorations are still up, you might as well keep them there.

In Chicago, some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they're being paid to protest. They said they're being paid by democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Hey, who says Obama isn't creating any new jobs?

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. 1870; The U.S. Justice Department was created. 1874; Dr. Andrew Still became the first to practice osteopathy. 1943; W.E.B. DuBois became the first black member of the National Institute of Letters

1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill of Rights. 1969; Singer-actress Judy Garland died. 1987; Actor-dancer-singer Fred Astaire died. 2011; Legendary Boston crime boss,James "Whitey" Bulger is found and arrested by federal authorities in Santa Monica, Calififornia.

Picture Of The Day: Today's theme? Water....the refreshing source of nourishment and peace. It goes for all of us...even for Paula's turtles.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) America's space probe, Voyager 1, launched back in 1977, is 11 billion miles in space. It's on the verge of leaving our solar system on its mission to find other civilizations to try to borrow money from. 2) Without nipples, boobs would be pointless. 3) Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when you wish that's where they were. 4) Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home. 5) The mistake a lot of politicians make is in forgetting they've been appointed and thinking they've been anointed.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 22nd: Although you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, bear in mind that you can catch even more flies with manure. Take the time to shave closely tonight as the evening is showing signs of becoming memorable. Chance of romance is partly cloudy with a chance of reign.

Birthdays: Julian Sorell Huxley, biologist, author 1887, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author 1906, Joseph Papp stage producer, director 1921, Bill Blass fashion designer 1922, Dianne Feinstein, senator 1933, Kris Kristofferson composer 1936, Meryl Streep, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed coming towards him one of his older patients with a very beautiful, well-built young lady on his arm. He was looking the happiest he had ever seen him.

When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him and said, "Well Doc, I took your advice and look at me." Puzzled, the doctor asked what the advice was. The old man said, "You told me to get a hot Mama and be very cheerful," The doctor replied, "No, I told you that you had got a heart murmur and to be very careful."

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, and says, "Did you call for me?" The man says, "No, what do you mean?" The hairy man replies, "You must be new. It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, who asks, "May I help you?" The man says, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

The woman says, "But you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 60 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it and circled. He drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "Where Am I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "You Are In A Helicopter."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to the Seattle/Tacoma airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are In A Helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" The older doctor replied, "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." The younger doctor said, "You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, it is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Still Plugging Along

Between the new computer, the new layout and the new music list, I don't know which frustrates me more. I have a rather short temper when addressing computer problems but I try to refrain from any sudden urges to get my 38 and shoot it.

Nevertheless, I trudge on, still learning what to do and more importantly, what not to do. I've already had to go to system restore after making a rather impatient move. You'll notice that I've only put in a couple of pictures today as the program I use to edit pictures has also joined in on the rebellion to piss me off.

My music playlist is still a work in progress and most of the bugs have been worked out. I am still adding and deleting certain songs that play well with the new music site. I would like to remind you that the songs can be listened to, changed and browsed. Additionally, you can click the upper left corner where it says "videos" and watch the video that accompanies the song.

The News As I See It:
There's a report that the city of Detroit will go broke in the coming weeks. I'm not surprised. With the large amount of urban flight from one of the most dangerous and corrupt cities in America, I'm surprised that Detroit didn't go broke 10 years ago. Los Angeles and Chicago will follow soon.

According to a recent story in the The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July. This will be Kim's third marriage and experts say that if she stays healthy she could beat the record currently held by Larry King.

Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country, but there's an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November.

Mitt Romney said Obama is ignoring the real issues with illegals, which is that they keep blowing the grass clippings into his pool.

This Date In History: 1756; British soldiers were thrown into the cell known as the "Black Hole of Calcutta." 1782; The Great Seal of the United States was adopted. 1819; The 320-ton Savannah became the first steamship to cross the Atlantic.
1837; Queen Victoria ascended the British throne.

1863; West Virginia became the 35th state in the United States. 1893; Lizzie Borden, accused of murdering her parents, was found innocent by a jury in New Bedford, Mass. 1967; Muhammad Ali was convicted of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted.

Picture Of The Day: Sticking with Paula's theme, this sea turtle seems a bit surprised at all the people trying to take his picture.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry.  I mean, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? 2) If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have. 3) When I was a kid, there was a house on my block that I thought was haunted because I'd hear people screaming inside. Later on I found out it wasn't haunted, it was just a murderer's house.

4) The little kid that used to live next door to me had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.  He was an only child...eventually. 5) I used to have a self-teaching record when I was learning Spanish. One night, after coming home late from AREA 51, I turned it on and went to sleep.  Somewhere in the night, the record got stuck. The next day, I could only stutter in Spanish.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 20th: The legend of the baked bean may trouble you today as last night's meal begins to make itself heard. I suggest you avoid elevators and cramped quarters. Chance of romance is 50-50, depending on how much beans you ate last night.

Birthdays: My pal Myra - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Jacques Offenbach, composer 1819, Lloyd Augustus Hall, chemist 1894, Lillian Hellman, American dramatist 1905, Audie Murphy, actor 1924, Olympia Dukakis, actress 1931, José Alexandre "Xanana" Gusmão, revolutionary leader 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Just then, the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!" So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.'" The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then, one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet, threw his sorry ass into the creek, got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed and asked,  "Who the hell were those guys?" The brick pig replied, "Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs"

Three men die and are waiting at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter tells them that there will be a slight delay but not to worry that he will have Albert Einstein visit with them during their wait. Albert arrives and introduces himself to the first man and asks, "What is your IQ?" The first man answers, "165". Einstein says, "That's wonderful, we will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!".

Einstein introduces himself to the second man and asks, "What is your IQ?" The second man answers, "144". Einstein says, "That's great, we can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Einstein goes to the third man and asks, "What is your IQ?" The third man answers, "91". Einstein says, "How about them Yankees?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have one hour to do whatever you desire."

With that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 45 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"

Two med students were walking along the street when they saw an old man slowly walking stiff-legged with his legs spread apart. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong, as well."

So the medical students asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart, but I was wrong, too.

That's it for today, my little fur balls. Remember, if you ever get really bored, drive to the mall and get a great parking spot. Then sit in your car and count how many people ask you if you're leaving. It's hump day and my thoughts turn to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !