Friday, October 18, 2013
A Weekend With No Crisis? - Wait For It - They'll Find One !
Well, the national crises are over for the moment and the most important thing that's happened in Washington is that Veteran's Memorial is open and the Panda Cam is up and running. Even the Mars rover Curiosity tweeted, "Allow me to reintroduce myself. I'm back on Twitter and even closer to Mars' Mount Sharp."
Oh sure, the non-essential workers who were furloughed are back to work and will receive all of their back pay along with a promise of a possible one percent pay raise in January if Obama signs the presidential order. Knowing Obama's irresponsible spending of our tax dollars, that just about guarantees the raise. I think the term non-essential needs to be redefined.
Nevertheless, Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He likes to start off his speeches with a joke.
The News As I See It: Obama says that now that the shutdown is over and the budget deal is made, he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he will start by deporting Ted Cruz.
John McCain said "the shutdown was one of the most shameful things he's seen as a senator." That's from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot.
The Dalai Lama, in a new interview, has endorsed medical marijuana. Now we know why he sits around in a robe all day.
Anthony Wiener said if the Internet didn't exist he would probably be mayor of New York. Yeah, and elephants would be flying right now if gravity didn't exist. Before the Internet, Anthony Wiener would just have been a regular guy in a trench coat hiding behind a tree.
This Date In History: 1685; Louis XIV revoked the Edict of Nantes. 1767; The boundary between Maryland and Pennsylvania, the Mason-Dixon line, was agreed upon. 1867; The United States took possession of Alaska from Russia. 1912; The first Balkan War broke out.
1931; Inventor Thomas Alva Edison died in West Orange, N.J., at age 84. 1968; The U.S. Olympic Committee suspended two black athletes for giving a "black power" salute during a victory ceremony at the Mexico City games.
2011; Gilad Shalit, a 25-year-old Israeli soldier, is released after being held for more than five years by Hamas. He is exchanged for 1,000 Palestinian prisoners. Shalit had been held in Gaza since Palestinian militants kidnapped him in 2006.
Picture Of The Day: I have nothing to add.....well, I do, but I don't think the young woman would go along with my plan.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) (Her): "Honey, do you think I have too much makeup on?" (Me): "That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?" 2) My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants. 3) I know it's been a while since I cleaned my house, but bringing in those blindfolded people for a Febreeze commercial wasn't funny. 4) She said that she had only been married twice, but I could tell it was more than that by the rice marks on her face. 5) Back in the day, I remember painting a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 18th: Prepare yourself because your life is set for the biggest change you've seen in a long time. Your love life is ready to flourish and all because you bought that wonderful hat the other day. You did buy it didn't you? Oh, tell me you bought the hat!
Birthdays: Edward Winslow, founders of Plymouth Colony 1595, Canaletto, Venetian painter 1697, King Mongkut, the Siamese King who, together with his English governess, Anna Leonowens, inspired the musical, "The King And I".
1804, Lotte Lenya, singer and actress 1898, Pierre Elliott Trudeau, former Prime Minister 1919, Chuck Berry, American rock music guitarist, singer, and songwriter 1926, George C. Scott, actor 1927, Mike Ditka, football player.
1939, Lee Harvey Oswald, presumed assassin 1939, Ntozake Shange, writer 1948, Martina Navratilova, tennis player 1956, Jean-Claude Van Damme, actor(?) 1960 ,Wynton Marsalis, trumpeter, bandleader, and composer 1961, Zac Efron, actor 1987.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was pulled over for speeding down the highway. A young officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The old man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."
The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" The old man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine. I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."
The young officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his drivers license and registration. The old man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"
The old man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The old man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box and a dead body in the trunk." The old man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
His wife yells, "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
The husband says, "Because he's thinking of getting married."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
The fire fighter says, "Little partner, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave shit for others to clean up and disappear for rest of day."
That's it for today, my little tootsie pops. Remember, the first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest and the first to open the vodka is the smartest. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !