Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Shutdown Averted - Can Successfully Kicked Down The Road

Sorry I'm late. Just woke up from my nap. Let me check my notes and turn on the news. Yeah, the assholes in the Senate and the House passed the bill and now it goes to Shithead for his signature. Where's the can...? Oh, now I see it...they've kicked it down the road a bit.

Earlier today, Senate leaders unveiled a deal to reopen the government and avoid a potential debt default. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) announced the deal jointly on the Senate floor.

The deal developed by the two Senate leaders would open the government until January 15 and extend the debt ceiling through February 7th. It also includes back pay for furloughed federal workers and an agreement for the House and Senate to finally open a conference committee to hash out their differing budgets. perhaps allowing them to find a longer-term solution.

Oh yeah.....and there's no provision for Obozo and his lackeys to give their subsidies for Obamacare. Nice work if you can get it. Instead of playing kick the can, I'd like to see O'Bummer and Congress play hot potato with a live hand grenade......

The News As I See It: During the government shutdown, the White House is under attack by squirrels. They've invaded the White House garden because the gardeners were laid off. Michelle Obama planted a garden to show how easy it is to grow your own food. All you need is water, sunlight, and 50 full-time federal employees.

Just when you think that Congress could not do anything less, they manage to. At this point the government is like a house on Halloween that turns out the lights and leaves a bowl of candy on the front porch.

I am starting to forget what it is like to have a government. There was a guy with big ears and a suit who talked about hope. That is all gone.

I tried to sign up for Obamacare on the computer. I had no trouble whatsoever. I signed right up for Obamacare and ordered six months of Mexican Viagra.

There was a Columbus Day parade here in Miami. Columbus thought he landed in India. Instead he landed in the Bahamas. If he were alive today he'd be running an Italian cruise ship.

The Washington Redskins are changing their name because "Washington" is too embarrassing.

At New York's Comic Con this week, Sylvester Stallone charged fans almost $500 for a photo with him. So far he's made almost $500.

This Date In History: 1793; French queen Marie Antoinette was guillotined for treason. 1859; Abolitionist John Brown his men captured the U.S. arsenal at Harper's Ferry.

1916; Margaret Sanger opened the first birth-control clinic in New York City. 1962; The Cuban Missile Crisis began. 1964; China detonated its first atomic bomb. 1978; John Paul II was elected pope.

2001; Twelve Senate offices were closed when a letter to Sen. Tom Daschle was found to contain anthrax. 2002; The White House announced that North Korea had disclosed the existence of a secret nuclear weapons program.

Picture Of The Day: Need I say more? Oh yeah, I forgot. During a prescheduled House hearing Wednesday morning, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) spent several minutes berating National Parks Service director Jonathan Jarvis over the closing of several Washington, D.C. monuments during the government shutdown.

Contrasting the parks service's decision to allow in 2011 the Occupy Wall Street movement a one-hundred-day-long encampment in D.C.'s McPherson Square with the turning away of visitors to the National Mall this October, Gowdy scolded Jarvis for favoring the "pot-smoking" Occupiers over the "war veterans" who "helped build" the monuments.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think it's wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy. They should be allowed to get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way. 2) My cat acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner. 3) If you really love your kids, you will teach them to say their alphabet forwards and backwards. They'll thank you later (Right, officer?) 4) Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. The last time I rode a bike on drugs, I ran into a parked zebra. 5) A new study shows that eating bacon can lower a man's chances of getting a woman pregnant. Scientists are calling it alarming. Men are calling it a win-win.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 16th: Any time you feel restless this week, take Viagra and Ritalin at the same time.

Birthdays: My friend, Juanita - Happy Birthday 19XX, Noah Webster, American lexicographer and philologist 1758, Oscar Wilde, author 1854, David Ben-Gurion, statesman 1886, Eugene O'Neill, playwright 1888, Michael Collins, revolutionary leader 1890, Paul Strand, photographer 1890, William O. Douglas, jurist 1898, Angela Lansbury, actress 1925, Suzanne Somers, actress 1946, Tim Robbins, actor 1958, John Mayer, singer, songwriter 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

The storekeeper said, "Oh, it's alright. I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." The florist said, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." The storekeeper asked, "Well, what did it say?" The florist said, "It read 'Congratulations on your new location'."

Two eighty year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. Moe says, "Sam, you know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...." Moe sits up suddenly, "Who is it?" Moe says, "It's me, Sam." Moe says, "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." Sam insists, "I'm telling you, it's me, Sam!"

Moe says, "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" Sam says, "I'm in heaven and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news." Moe says, "Tell me the good news first."

Sam says, "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven." Moe says, "Really? That's wonderful! What's the bad news?" Sam says, "You're pitching Tuesday!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Bobby and Mike for their contributions to today's stories.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag. As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.

Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot her also. Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak. Then, one old man named Murray cautiously raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you....."

Medicare Part G: You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.

You are allowed to shoot 4 Politicians. Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, lungs or heart You know what? They are all covered. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home. And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

That's it for today, my little inmates. Remember, if you're buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it's probably because he bought is his condoms there too. AREA 51 is my destination for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Very good opening. Right on the money, then I came to the Skins name change, and had a BIG laugh.
Especially enjoyed #1 & #4, not that #1 reflects my marriage, lbut I understand it is correct in many (smile). Just got a good laugh out of you on a bike under those circumstances.

Good read. Now that our government is back on line I know you will rest better. NSA is back onthe job. and the guys is suits that talk into their sleeve are back outside your door.!