Monday, October 28, 2013
Look At Me - Please Look At Me
I enjoy sports, but I can't stand players who grandstand or mug for the camera. A football player catches a pass, gets up and runs around acting like he found the cure for cancer. A basketball makes a basket and runs around the court like a chicken with it's head cut off and talking trash. A baseball player hits a homer but has to stop and look at his accomplishment before he trots around the bases.
Most coaches wouldn't put up with any of that back in my time. You caught a pass? So what! That's what you're paid to do. Same thing with basketball and football. It's not a major accomplishment especially when you dropped four balls prior to your "big catch."
My cat has actually learned to say the word "asshole" from the number of times I've call these players "assholes". Sports has become a "me" world.....look at me, look what I did! These types of players are the same ones that went running to mommy to show her the results when they went for the first time to the bathroom by themselves.
If you make a big play or score on television, act like you've been there before. It's like the first time a child sees himself on video or television, the first reaction is monkey faces.
Nascar auto racing, in the past, was never like this. When a driver won a race, he was handed the checkered flag and took a victory lap around the track. Today, all of the young guns and Johnnys-come-lately have their spinning circle acts to celebrate the win.
No self respecting driver from the past ever did those monkey shines and even some of the current older drivers don't do it either. I guess that's just the difference between a man and a boy.
The News As I See It: NASA has successfully tested a broadband communications system that’s built into the lunar atmosphere explorer probe. It sends data to and from the moon at the rate of 622 megabits per second. To the moon and back in a second. In a related story, the Obamacare website is still down.
I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.
The White House says the Obamacare website will be fixed by the end of November. So if your doctor has only given you three weeks to live, sorry pal.
A new report found that 700 IRS employees owe a combined $5.4 million in back taxes. When IRS workers got the news, they said, "Oh man, I hope I don't find out about this!"
A man in Oregon was arrested for growing marijuana after police used Google Earth to track him down. So if you're one of those crazy conspiracy theorists who thinks the government is watching you with satellites from space, you were right.
This Date In History: 1793; Eli Whitney applied for a patent for the cotton gin. 1886; The Statue of Liberty was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.
1919;Congress passed the Volstead Act, or the National Prohibition Act, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto. 1922; Benito Mussolini took control of the government of Italy.
1940; Italy invaded Greece during World War II. 1958; A new pope was elected - Pope John XXIII. 1962; Nikita Khrushchev told the U.S. that he had ordered the dismantling of Soviet missile bases in Cuba.
Picture Of The Day: Have you ever had one of those days when you were pretty sure that it wouldn't turn out for the better....?
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you. 2) My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them. 3) I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it was just the Mace. 4) Somewhere, a guitarist puts down his instrument, pours gas on it and lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1. 5) "To do is to be" (Descartes). "To be is to do" (Voltaire). "Do be do be do" (Frank Sinatra).....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 28th: Tomatoes can be your best friend - go Red for the day. * This horoscope is not sponsored by Heinz or the Communist Party. Being sexy and being sexist are not one and the same. Avoid low-level lighting this week and any power lines that you might have to pass under.
Birthdays: My friends Bobby (rest in peace), Lourdes and Maria - Happy Birthday 19XX, Eliphalet Remington, gun manufacturer 1793, Auguste Escoffier, authority on cooking 1846, Gilbert H. Grosvenor, editor 1875, Edith Head, fashion designer 1897, Evelyn Waugh, novelist 1903, Jonas Salk, American physician and microbiologist, inventor of the Salk Polio Vaccine 1914, Dennis Franz, actor 1944, Bill Gates, computer industry pioneer 1955, Julia Roberts, actress 1967, Brad Paisley, singer, Songwriter 1972, Joaquin Phoenix, actor 1974.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout, "Shit, missed." The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder; the priest could hold his tongue no longer.
The priest asked his friend "Don't swear like that or God will punish you." The builder apologized and the game continued. As soon as he missed another shot, the builder shouted, "Shit, missed" and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.
The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said, "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!" Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out, "Shit, missed."
Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead. Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"
A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob.
The teacher asked, "What is that?" The young artist replied, "The flea." The puzzled teacher asked, "What flea is that, dear? The kid answered, "The one the Angel told Joseph to take."
Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was: Matthew 2:13 "......the angel of the Lord saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother and flee into Egypt..........."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: About 200 dead crows were found near Boston, Massachusetts and there was great concern about the possibility of "Avian Flu". They had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he did determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2% were killed by impact with cars. The city then hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine why there were such disproportionate percentages for "truck versus car" kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in very short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of any impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could easily say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck"!
The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. The reporter asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" The old woman replied, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours."
The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your newspaper."
That's it for today, my little tiddly winks. Remember, the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Discretion is advised.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !