Friday, April 24, 2015
I'm Not Eating That !
Have you ever wondered who was the first person to say, "I'm hungry for something new. I think I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of that chicken's ass." Seriously, someone had to be the "Mikey" who would eat or try anything.
I mean, who discovered milk? Did someone just say to their friend, "I think I'm going to go pull on those dangily things on that animal and drink whatever comes out."?
People drink many animals' milk...the cow, the goat, even the yak. I've never heard of anyone drinking horse's milk, though. Evidently, choosing which animal's milk to drink was based on trial and error.
My mother told me I was raised on goat's milk because I wouldn't nurse and cow's milk didn't seem to suit my digestive system. I don't know if that's really true, but I do have a penchant for climbing rocks and butting heads.
I am convinced that certain foods, especially vegetables, are a punishment from God thanks to Adam and Eve's romp in the Garden of Eden. Surely, that is the only reason for the existence of asparagus, kale and other disgusting vegetables. Combine that with liver and my appetite goes right into the dumpster.
The News As I See It: Arnold Schwarzenegger has a new movie that focuses on a zombie apocalypse. It takes place in an empty wasteland with no living beings....just like the movie theater where it's playing.
Yesterday was "Take Your Sons or Daughters to Work Day....or as Woody Allen calls it, "Take Your Wife To Work Day."
Wednesday was Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth. As humans, the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons. The first Earth Day took place in 1970. At the rate we are going, the last one should be soon.
New Yorkers, on average, create 15 pounds of garbage every week. Of course, that goes up if you're disposing of a body.
The city of San Francisco announced that on January 1st, tobacco of any kind will be illegal. So finally, the gay and lesbian community will be able to say to a police officer, "No, this is just weed."
This Date In History: 1800; Library of Congress was established. 1898; Spain declared war on the U.S.. 1915; Turks began deportation of Armenians that led to the massacre of between 600,000 and 1.5 million Armenians.
1916; The Easter Rebellion begins in Dublin, Ireland. Although unsuccessful, the uprising was an important symbolic event leading to the establishment of the Republic of Ireland.
1953; Winston Churchill was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. 1990; The shuttle Discovery blasted off with the Hubble Space Telescope.
Picture Of The Day: No rhyme, no reason, just cute!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some woman was staring at the beer in my cup holder, like she's never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before. 2) A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
3) (Doctor): "Are you sexually active?" (Me): "Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanoes that haven't gone off in years." 4) I'm not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if it took one look at me naked and then leaped willingly to its death.
5) I have said it before and I will say it again. If anyone is into wife swapping, I will take a dirt bike or a puppy.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 24th: Love hides in strange places and could be waiting for you at some of the strangest places you've ever imagined. On the other hand, it could be hidden in a pantry, bound and gagged. There are some strange things that go on in pantries. I know, I've been there.
Birthdays: Anthony Trollope, novelist 1815, John R. Pope, architect 1874, Willem de Kooning, artist 1904, Robert Penn Warren, American novelist, poet, and critic 1905, Shirley MacLaine, actress 1934, Barbra Streisand, singer, actress 1942, Kelly Clarkson, singer 1982.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Sha'squachia, a pregnant woman, was involved in a car accident and while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child and asked, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. You should also know that while you were in a coma, your brother D'Tyrone named the children for you."
Sha'squachia shrieked, "Lordy, not my brother! He's not really very bright." The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise." Sha'squachia smiled and said, "Oh, that's no so bad. What's the boy's name?" The doctor smiled and said, "Denephew."
Two NBA basketball players were in a bar talking and one says to the other, "You ever notice after you have sex with a woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?" The second guy says, "Yeah, all the time."
The first one asked, "Why is that?" The second guy says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although, if she wanted to, she could take a tub bath in front of the fire.
The woman said, "Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts." The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the tub and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the girl didn’t have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, when you go to play darts, leave a little early and wait outside the window. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?" The girl said, "No, I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" The woman said, "Oh, yes", and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" He answered, "Yes, but why the hell did you have to show her yours." His wife replied, "Why ever are you worried about that? You’ve seen it often enough before." Her husband answered, " I know, but the whole damn dart team hadn’t!"
Three little boys were upset because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said to the janitor, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure." He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest replied, "Yeah!" The littlest one asked,"What do you think that means?" The oldest one replied, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."
That's it for today, my little chipmunks. Remember, the worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !