Friday, April 10, 2015
"You Didn't Write It Down?"
It dawned on me today that I can keep about 30 current thoughts in my mind and the 31st thought kicks off the last thought on the list. Although I've made it a point to write things down, I always think, "I'll remember that." Uh, no you won't.....
Late last night, I had an idea that I thought would be amusing for today's post. Today, as I was preparing today's post, I tried to recreate the thought in my mind. My mind said, "Uh, what thought? Don't tell me you didn't write it down again?"
I thought what is the use of having a memory if it loses thoughts. My mind answered, "To help you find your way home and to guide you to the bathroom."
My mind went on, "You have stored many memories in my banks over the years, some of which were plied with whiskey and other substances. Your love life, mental pictures and experiences are stored in a special place which cannot be erased. All of this is stored on a computer that is very antiquated."
I said, "So what about last night's idea?" My mind responded, "It was so-so at best. Hey! I've got an idea. What about a story about me.......?
The News As I See It: Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica's such a beautiful place, Obama says he can't wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale.
Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.
California may force the city of Beverly Hills to cut its water use by up to 35 percent. So yet another tough break for Beverly Hills farmers.
McDonald's has announced plans to unveil even larger hamburgers. They also announced plans to widen their doors and reinforce the floors.
The NFL has hired its first full-time female referee. It should work out great because if there are two things that NFL players respect, they are authority and women.
Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation's security. He plans to help by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.
New Hampshire may ban hunters from using chocolate as bait for bears. They've been using chocolate as bait for bears and they may ban it. They stopped using chocolate after the traps caught three depressed women going through a breakup.
The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt and Flo from Progressive Insurance. Hillary Clinton finished 43rd in the voting just behind Monica Lewinsky. Nancy Pelosi was not allowed to participate.
Speaking of Hillary Clinton, she is going to launch her 2016 campaign this weekend. So remember, act surprised.
This Date In History: 1790; The U.S. patent system was formed. 1849; The safety pin was patented by Walter Hunt, in New York. 1866; The American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) was chartered.
1912; Titanic set sail on its fateful voyage. 1947; Branch Rickey of the Brooklyn Dodgers announced that Jackie Robinson had signed with the team. 1963; The atomic-powered submarine Thresher sank off Cape Cod, Mass.
1970; Paul McCartney announced the official split of the Beatles. 1974; Israeli prime minister Golda Meir announced her resignation. 1998; The Northern Ireland "Good Friday Accord" was reached.
2003; The U.S. House passed the "Amber Alert" bill. It provided a system for alerting the public about missing or abducted children.
Picture Of The Day: This brain is obviously quite complex. This must be one of the newer models.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Having sex with her is just like a rock concert. We yell and cheer and when she wants an encore, she flicks her lighter. Sometimes I have to tell her that Elvis has left the building. 2) They say children are a gift from god. I know several kids whose families should be regifting. 3) I was sending an email and my computer tells me, "You're attachment is too large." I blushed and responded coyly, "My eyes are up here" 4) It's a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but I should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.. 5) Have you ever had a hangover so bad that you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep on the kitchen floor for 6 more hours? Oh, just me?.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 10th: The post office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that, for once, is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder. That said, let your mother-in-law open it, just in case.
Birthdays: Joseph Pulitzer, American newspaper publisher 1847, Matthew C. Perry, naval officer 1794, William Booth, religious leader 1829, Frances Perkins, U.S. Secretary of Labor 1882, Dolores Huerta, labor leader 1930.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. The boy exclaimed, "Gee, Mom, for me?" His mother replied, "Just take two, the rest are for your father."
A cowboy walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." The cashier asked, "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" The cowboy replied, "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, cleaning my barn, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
The woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
A panicked woman called the family doctor and says, "My child has swallowed a magnet!" The doctor said, "Don't panic, the magnet should pass through his system soon."
The woman pressed, "How will I be sure?" The doctor replied, "Stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
Murray and Jake were talking and Murray says, "So, how's your sex life?" Jake replies, "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
Murray says, "Social Security sex?" Jake answers, "Yeah, you know. I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
That's it for today, my little pop tarts. Remember, a duck’s opinion of you is very much influenced by whether or not you have bread. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !