Friday The 13th

Today is Friday the 13th and phobias abound. I don't believe in ridiculous superstitions because I feel secure, sitting safely in my bathroom, covered in peanut butter. This wards off evil spirits.   

Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of Friday the 13th. Wikipedia says it comes from the from Greek tris meaning "three", kai meaning "and", deka meaning "10" and phobos meaning "fear.

According to National Geographic Fact Book: Of all superstitions, triskaidekaphobia, is the one with the most influence still in the modern world. More than 80 percent of high-rises lack a 13th floor; many hospitals have no room number 13; France and Italy rarely have 13 as a house address; airports often skip gate 13 and airplanes don’t include a 13th row.

Most telling, up to $900 million is lost every Friday the 13th because of people not flying or conducting business on this double-whammy day.

Folklorists trace this numeric nervousness to a pre-Christian Norse myth. Twelve gods were having a dinner party in Valhalla, their heaven. An uninvited 13th guest named Loki arrives.

A known mischief-maker, Loki then arranges for Hoder, the god of darkness, to shoot Balder the Beautiful, god of joy, with a mistletoe-tipped arrow. Balder dies and the Earth is shrouded in darkness.

A sense of foreboding and doom has attended the number 13 ever since.

Truthfully, I must admit that I do have one phobia. I suffer from Anatidaephobia, the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching me.

Although fear is a natural reaction to the unknown, remember that the only thing to fear is fear, itself.....and f*cking spiders. I hate f*cking spiders.....

The Duck is watching.....

The News As I See It: The next Democratic debate is being held this Saturday in Des Moines, Iowa and will be broadcast by CBS News. And if that doesn't do the job, try Ambien.

Tuesday night was the fourth Republican debate and if you thought it was exciting to watch on TV, imagine being Jeb Bush watching the whole thing from his podium!

Hillary Clinton has begun telling the story of her attempt to join the Marines in 1975. Right! The closest she ever came to the Marines was buying a pantsuit at Old Navy.

A couple of weeks ago Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz spent some time hunting pheasants in Iowa. When Donald Trump heard that, he was like, "Why wasn’t I invited? I love hunting peasants."

The World Giving Index released a report yesterday that found for the first time ever, men are more likely than women to donate money to charity. They're even more likely to donate to Charity's friends, Crystal, Bambi and Cinnamon.

This Date In History: 1775; U.S. forces, under the command of Gen. Richard Montgomery, captured Montreal during the American Revolution. 1927; The world's first long, mechanically ventilated underwater tunnel, the Holland Tunnel, opened between New York and New Jersey.

1940; Walt Disney's Fantasia debuted. 1942; The minimum draft age was lowered from 21 to 18. 1946; Vincent Schaefer produced artificial snow from a natural cloud for the first time at Mount Greylock in Massachusetts.

1956; The Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on buses. 1982; The Vietnam War Memorial, designed by Maya Lin, was dedicated in Washington, DC. 2001; The Taliban abandoned Afghanistan's capital of Kabul when the Northern Alliance entered the city.

Picture Of The Day: A word to the wise.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend's smart phone has GPS. It has learned to say "Your other left." 2) I hate that moment when I'm driving and tweeting and I look up and notice that I'm in the Atlantic Ocean. 3) I caught my crazy "ex" going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon. 4) A girl I know got her tongue pierced and I asked her why? She said, "To enhanthe the thektual thtimulathon." 5) I can only handle so much of a bunch of screaming kids on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof and let them back in.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 13th: The light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. I'm pretty sure it's a light. I've discussed it with a other astrologers and it's either a light or a locomotive. Just in case, get out of the tunnel.

Birthdays: Saint Augustine, theologian 354, Johann Eck, theologian 1486, Robert Louis Stevenson, poet, novelist 1850, Mary Wigman, dancer, choreographer 1886, Gerard Butler, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food.

The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.

About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."

Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned."

Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."

A drunk in a bar throws up all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. The drunk says, Damn! I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry. Just stick a $20 bill in the your pocket and tell her someone threw up on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who threw up on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. She asks, "Why are there two twenties?" The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he shit my pants, too."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

The Trooper asked, "What's the matter?" The biker replied, Carburetor's frozen," The Trooper said, "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." The biker said, "I can't." The Trooper said, "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you, so the next time you can do it."

The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, Jill..."

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

That's it for today, my little puppy dogs. Remember, a walk in the woods helps you relax and release tension. The fact that you're dragging a body behind you should be irrelevant. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !