Friday, October 30, 2015

Trick Or Treat ?

I'm ready for Halloween. Today, I tested the electric fence and it's working fine. Should any of the little tykes swim the moat and escape the alligators, the prize is Snicker bars. Most of them forego the prize in lieu of safe passage back across the moat in my rowboat.

There'll be a lot of Halloween parties tomorrow. At one of my past Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked, "Where's the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.

I like Halloween parties but I'm not one for costumes. My way of avoiding peer pressure to dress up is to merely wear black pants and a black shirt. The Pièce de résistance is a simple white piece of cardboard which I tuck underneath my collar and voila.....Father Jimmy. You'd be surprised at the number of young attractive women who need a good blessing......

A Weekend At Bernie's

The News As I See It: Obama gave a speech in Chicago and told police they have "work to do to restore trust" in the minority ghetto communities. It was going pretty well, but halfway through the speech, Obama got pulled over.

Walmart just announced that they are testing drones to deliver merchandise directly to your house. So finally you can buy Pampers, a case of Slim Jims and a shotgun all without leaving the comfort of your mobile home.

This Date In History: 1534; The English parliament passed the Act of Supremacy, making King Henry VIII head of the English church. 1938; Radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds, starring Orson Welles, caused nationwide panic among listeners.

1944; Martha Graham's ballet Appalachian Spring, with music by Aaron Copland, premiered. 1953; Gen. George C. Marshall won the Nobel Peace Prize for originating the Marshall Plan.

1974; Muhammad Ali knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round of a 15-round bout in Kinshasa, Zaire ("rumble in the jungle") to regain his world heavyweight title.

Picture Of The Day: Trick or trick?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Halloween is tomorrow and that means the cobwebs in my house have just become decorations. 2) Rapture is what you get when you lift something too heavy. 3) I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses.....especially if they're empty. 4) As it turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire. 5) Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time love came to me, all the good shapes and sizes were taken......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 30th: Looking into your future, it appears that a new love will present itself this week. Don't get overly excited, they come with baggage just like the rest of us.

Birthdays: John Adams, 2nd President of the United States 1735, Alfred Sisley, landscape painter 1839, Ezra Pound, American poet, critic and translator 1885, Ruth Gordon, actress and playwright 1896, Fred W. Friendly, broadcaster and author 1915, Louis Malle, director 1932, Diego Maradona, soccer player 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, '"Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

Some women were gathered and the subject of the conversation turned to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic, so we can't use it." The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method." The others asked, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?"

The woman replied, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump... Bump... Bump... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump... Bump... Bump...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. Faster... Faster!... Bump... Bump... Bump...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket.... Clapping-Bump... Clappity-Bump... Clappity-Bump...

On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket......and (wait for it)....the coffin stops.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!" His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do."

The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." With a hurt look, she said, "You would?" His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?" She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new."

The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do." She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

That's it for today, my little hobgoblins. Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great spooky weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, I do hope Father Jimmy gets lots of treats. But watch the Bucket!!!!

Linda's World said...

Happy happy Halloween to you and Samantha.