Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Odds And Ends
I dreamed I saved my cat Samantha from an eagle (who changed into a snake). It was surreal as I could actually feel the pain as I grabbed it's beak-mouth and pried it apart with my hands to get Sam's head out of it's mouth. I woke up and Sam's ok but my pillow's ripped.
As a young man, my dreams were of touchdowns, home runs, catching that big bass and the exotic moments in life...all great. Sadly, as an older man, my dreams have been reduced to saving animals and dealing with characters of my past, including two people who I have actually shot in three different dreams.
Perhaps in my next dream. I'll buy a more lethal weapon and go to the shooting range.
Donald Trump says he won't participate in the next debate. He has issues with Megyn Kelly. Frankly, I saw that debate and Kelly obviously has issues with Trump and came loaded for bear. Ms. Kelly needs to learn that the world does not revolve around her. A pretty face does not necessarily qualify one as a journalist.
The News As I See It: The Iowa caucuses are less than a week away. Then, after that, the candidates can go back to ignoring Iowa completely.
CNN had what they call a town hall meeting where the Democratic candidates try to woo the Iowa voters. The only clear winner of this debate-slash-meeting was the farmer who got $30,000 to let them park the CNN satellite trucks in his corn field.
Ted Cruz has been joined on the campaign trail by former candidate Gov. Rick Perry. So, in other words, Ted Cruz is the number one choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice.
U.S. News and World Report released their annual list of the Best Jobs for 2016. According to them, the two best jobs are orthodontist and dentist. Really? The best job in America is to be born a Kardashian. The least desirable job on the list for 2016? Bill Cosby's publicist.
Ben of Ben and Jerrys has come out with an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include tax, it’s $20 dollars.
This Date In History: 1880: Thomas Edison was granted a patent for his incandescent light. 1944; The Soviets announced the end of the two-year siege of Leningrad.
1945; The Russians liberated Auschwitz concentration camp, where the Nazis had killed over 1.5 million people, including over 1 million Jews. 1951; The U.S. Air Force started atomic testing in the Nevada desert.
1967; The Apollo I fire killed astronauts Grissom, White, and Chaffee during a simulated launch at Cape Canaveral. 1973; Vietnam War peace accords were signed in Paris.
Picture Of The Day: Normally, I would insert a picture in this spot but this diddy from my friend Kaye amused me and I hope it amuses you, as well.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I just learned an important lesson. When texting "Wish you were here" that last "e" kind of makes it or breaks it. 2) Why is it that the people with the ugliest feet always wear flip-flops? 3) It's good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart, you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on. 4) A woman knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children's Home, so I gave her my kids. She brought them back the next day and gave me $100. 5) My parents never asked me to run away from home, but then there were so many unexplained one way tickets......and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 27th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish. Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Birthdays: Wolfgang Mozart, Austrian composer 1756, Lewis Carroll, writer 1832, Samuel Gompers, labor leader 1850, Jerome Kern, composer 1885, Hyman G. Rickover, admiral 1900, Samuel C.C. Ting, physicist 1936, Mikhail Baryshnikov, dancer 1948, John G. Roberts Jr, jurist 1955, Frank Miller, artist, writer 1957.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. The old man responds, "I'm 85 years old."
The madam says, "85 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"
A young lawyer decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous. He felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a lawyer?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Whoever heard of a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At New York's Kennedy airport, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At the morning press conference, a police spokesperson said he believed the man is terrorist and a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
When asked to comment on the arrest, Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. The woman said, as she popped her eye back in place and said, "Oh, I am so sorry.Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
He said, "You know,you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' She replies, "No, you just happened to catch my eye....."
That's it for today, my little chickadees. Remember, don't let maladies and ailments keep you down. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !