Monday, January 25, 2016

The Scalawags Strike Again

I got another weekend pass from the home and Saturday night, "The Scalawags" met up at Woody's Tavern for a great evening despite being the coldest night of the year, thus far. Oh, and the wind was gusting up to 20 mph.

Yep, it was cold and what's worse is that I had to rifle through my
"winter" clothes trying to find a turtle neck sweater that didn't laugh as I put it on. Some of the sweaters actually said aloud, "Yeah, that'll fit (snicker)."

Of course, I had my timing down pat as I waited for the stupid train make the South River Drive crossing. The damn thing begins to pass for 10 minutes, then stops and backs up for another 10 minutes and finally passes (total wait time 20-30 minutes).

But it was a fun evening, everybody interrupting everybody and continual laughter at each other's stories. I will say that it's good thing the conversations weren't recorded. Did anyone's ears start burning Saturday night?

Although I have no idea of the hour I went to bed, my neighbor's rooster courteously reported the 5 am hour. Coincidentally, I'm having fried chicken for dinner tonight. Just kidding.....I'm having Chicken Francaise.

The News As I See It: A researcher found lyrics to a song that Woody Guthrie wrote over 50 years ago about Donald Trump's father, Fred Trump. I believe it was called, this land is my land and this land is my land and this land is also my land.

Samsung has a new washing machine that can connect to your smartphone and send you updates about your laundry. They say it's perfect for people who are either extremely busy or have nothing else going on.

This Date In History: 1890; Nellie Bly bested Jules Verne's Around the World in 80 Days by completing her circumnavigation in 72 days. 1890; United Mine Workers of America was founded. 1915; Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated transcontinental telephone service.

1924; The first Winter Olympic games opened at Chamonix, France. 1961; President John F. Kennedy held the first presidential news conference carried live on radio and television. 1971; Charles Manson was found guilty of murdering Sharon Tate and six others.

Picture Of The Day: The Scalawags.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Look, if you really need a Heimlich maneuver, just ask me nicely. Enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit. 2) When I was a child, I dreamed of being a cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn't have toilet paper with aloe. 3) Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door. 4) I was leading in a trivia game at a bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, Fiji is the correct answer. 5) My suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 25th: Most people are easily pleased if you use your head. An almost guaranteed smile of satisfaction begins with the easiest but most important item you purchase, the birthday card.

The first and most important step, however, is to actually read the card. Nothing looks worse than to give your significant other a birthday card that reads, "Happy Birthday Grandma."

Birthdays: Joseph Louis Lagrange, mathematician and astronomer 1736, Robert Burns, poet 1759, George Edward Pickett,  Confederate general 1825, W. Somerset Maugham, writer 1874, Virginia Woolf, English writer 1882, Corazon Aquino, politician 1933, Eusebio, soccer player 1942, Steve Prefontaine, runner 1951 Alicia Keys, singer, songwriter 1981, Tatiana Golovin, tennis player 1988.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself. He says, "May I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine replies, "No, thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

The man says, "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine says, "No, they spread."

(Operator): "911" (Voice): "My wife is going into labor, what do I do?" (Operator): "Relax sir, is this her first born?" (Voice): "No, this is her husband."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know. How would you know that this is the right cow to be bred?" Amy said, "Easy, by the nail that's over its stall."

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Trump and Sanders sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Trump says, "We're planning World War III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Trump says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Trump turns to Sanders and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims."

That's it for today, my little skittles. Remember, deer don’t think too much. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the president and Congress.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Sounds like a good time was had by all. HOpe you did get back to the home before the cock crowed (or died).
I'm with Trump on this! I think! I did wonder about the blonde though!