Friday, January 8, 2016
Slim Crappy Wallet For Only $14.99
I abhor television commercials mainly because they insult my intelligence. A "new" wallet from a company we'll call "Slim Crappy Wallets" says that it fits better in your pocket. Uh, any wallet will fit slimly if it's not overstuffed with crappola.
They go on to contend that it's better than leather because leather doesn't last. Oh, really? As long as leather is kept clean and looked after correctly it will last a very long time. It is one of the strongest fibers there is.
A piece of leather that came out of the bellows of an organ and was over 100 years old, is still in perfect condition even though it has been flexed all its life.
But let's not complicate the commercial with facts. You can purchase a new wallet from Slim Crappy Wallets for $14.99 and if you act now (or in the next six months), you'll get a second wallet free. Just pay additional charges for fees and handling which coincidentally come out to $14.99.
Is this a great country, or what?
The News As I See It: I'm a little worried about Bernie Sanders. He is currently trailing Hillary Clinton by 17 points. Americans have stopped "feeling the Bern" and are now feeling more of a mild chafing sensation.
Meanwhile, Joe Biden says that he wakes up every day regretting that he didn't enter the 2016 race. And every day, Hillary Clinton holds the rag over his nose and he goes back to sleep.
North Korea announced that it has successfully carried out its first hydrogen bomb test. Either that or they just got their first Chipotle.
The government of Iraq has offered to mediate between Saudi Arabia and Iran. You know the Middle East is in trouble when your greatest hope for peace is "meeting up in Iraq."
A new study came out that found the more porn a man watches, the less motivation he has. I was going to read more about the study, but for some reason I just completely lost interest.
This Date In History: 1896; Fanny Farmer published her first cookbook. 1927; Transatlantic commercial telephone service began between New York and London. 1953; Harry Truman announced that the U.S. had developed the hydrogen bomb.
1955; Marian Anderson made her Metropolitan Opera debut. 1979; Vietnamese forces captured the Cambodian capital of Phnom Penh, overthrowing Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge government. 1989; Japan's Emperor Hirohito died. 1999; The impeachment trial of President William Clinton began in the Senate.
Picture Of The Day: Seems like a race to see who is the creepiest.....Slick Willie Clinton or Slick Willie Cosby.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I exercise religiously, which means I go running dressed as the Pope. 2) My girlfriend just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of having sex tonight just went from 0 to 750ml. 3) Women are like campfires. Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart and neither of them like it if you pee on them.....mostly. 4) My grocery list is just a written prayer saying, "Lord, please don't let me run into anyone I know dressed like this." 5) In 5th grade, during biology, my teacher asked me, "what is in cells?" I said my Uncle Ernie and Cousin Frankie and she made me go home.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 8th: Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and make love. That should make your wig warm.
Birthdays: Millard Fillmore, 13th President of the United States 1800, St. Bernadette, saint 1844, Francis Poulenc, composer and pianist 1899, Zora Neale Hurston, author 1901, Charles Addams, cartoonist 1912, David Caruso, actor 1956, Katie Couric, broadcast journalist 1957, Nicolas Cage, actor 1964.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blond woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
The cop said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.
After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." The blond replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a Colt .45 with eight rounds in the clip and one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide to whom he should grant full custody.
So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?" The boy responded, "No!" The judge asked, "Why not?" The boy said, "Because she beats me." The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father." The boy cried, "No, he beats me too."
Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay, who do you want to live with?" The boy answered, "I want to live with the Miami Dolphins." The judge asked, "Why?" The boy replied, "Because they never beat anybody."
A doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri, a special drink the bartender created just for him. One day, the bartender ran out of hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead.
The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" The bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
That's it for today, my little gummy bears. Remember, any spouse can be a trophy spouse if you take them to a Taxidermist. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !