Friday, January 29, 2016
The Usual Suspects
Writing today's post, I am reminded that I am lucky to have so many great friends. Glancing at my sidebar pictures, I am even more fortunate that the bevy of beautiful women pictured there allow me to sit amongst their midst. One's riches is indeed one's friends.
It seems that every week or so, my friends and I embark on a new adventure and our group of comrades changes depending on who can make it, my getting a weekend pass from the home or some of them making bail. We're not all crazy, but when you hang out with our group, crazy is an asset.
We always have a great time singing karaoke and cracking jokes. We are known is some places to have actually closed the bar.
Our group is mainly comprised of the usual suspects but newcomers occasionally stray into the group and we are open to most. If they happen to be female, my overseer usually tightens my leash cautioning me not to scare them away.
Yep, I've probably been on more adventures than most people and I look forward to the next outing. As you may have noticed, no names were mentioned in today's post because it could be hazardous to my health, but you know who you are.....
The News As I See It: Ben of Ben and Jerry’s is coming out with an ice cream for Bernie Sanders called "Bernie’s Yearning." It’s selling a lot better than Jerry’s ice cream for Hillary, "Pantsuit Email Crunch."
At a town hall in Iowa, a voter asked Hillary Clinton how her views align with the Ten Commandments, and she said that "in many areas judgment should be left to God." Then God was like, "Okay, you really shouldn't have deleted all those emails."
Donald Trump didn't take part in the debate on Fox News because Megyn Kelly, one of the moderators, is someone he does not like. He tweeted, "I refuse to call Megyn Kelly a bimbo, because that would not be politically correct. Instead, I will only call her a lightweight reporter."
Chipotle is now being accused of gender discrimination. A spokesperson for Chipotle said, "That’s not true, we serve both E. coli and She. coli."
People are upset because in a new movie Michael Jackson is going to be played by a British white man. The producers said, "We didn’t want to cast a white man, but we did want to get nominated for an Oscar."
This Date In History: 1802; John Beckley became the first Librarian of Congress. He was paid $2 a day. 1845; Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven was published. 1850; Henry Clay introduced the Compromise of 1850 to the Senate.
1861; Kansas became the 34th state in the United States. 1886; Karl Benz received a patent for the first successful gasoline-driven car.
1936; Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner, Christy Mathewson, and Walter Johnson were the first players elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York.
1963; Poet Robert Frost died in Boston. 2002; In his State of the Union address, President Bush labels Iraq, Iran, and North Korea an "axis of evil."
Picture Of The Day: Glenn Frey, vocalist and lead guitar player for the Eagles band and co-author of "Hotel California" dies at age 67. Rest in Peace.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living. 2) My niece guessed the capital of Montana is Hannah and I had to give it to her because as far as I know, that's correct. 3) The fact that peanut butter companies feel it necessary to put on the jar that the product "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race. 4) Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screen shot of your degree? 5) I was trying to make pancakes this morning and, as it turns out, I didn't get the spatula in the divorce.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 29th: An Asian person may appear in your life this week. If you're lucky, it will be a man because chances are that he will be a Sushi chef. On the other hand, it may be a lovely young woman. But remember, just because the tattoo above the crack in her ass has Chinese characters in it doesn't make her spiritual. It translates to "beef with broccoli."
Birthdays: Emanuel Swedenborg, scientist, religious teacher 1688, Jeffrey Amherst, army officer 1717, Thomas Paine, political theorist and writer 1737, William McKinley, 25th president of the United States 1843, Anton Chekhov, writer 1860, Frederick Delius, composer 1862, John D. Rockefeller, Jr. philanthropist 1874, W. C. Fields, actor 1880, Edward Abbey, writer 1927, Tom Selleck, actor 1945.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her.
Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!"
The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?" The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!"
The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam, now we're just negotiating the price."
A man goes to his doctor's office and says, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual, but I seem to have lettuce stuck up my ass!" The doctor says, "Good grief! I'd better take a look."
The doctor examines the man and says, "It's even worse and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. He asks her, "Say Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?"
His mother explained, "Because he was conceived on an evening when the winds blew strong and the rain came down upon us."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? His mother replied, "Well, your father and I were walking in a cornfield that was ready to harvest when we made her."
He then asked, "And why is my other sister called Moon Child"? His mother said, "We were lying in a beautiful meadow observing the full moon when she was conceived."
The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why do you ask?"
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. The man gasps, "Somebody get me a priest!" A policeman checks the crowd and there's no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old man. He says, "Mr. Policeman, I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the old man over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."
That's it for today, my little chili peppers. Remember, if you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, legally, they don't have to sell you anything . I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !