Monday, June 20, 2016

Breakfast Malfunction?

I woke up this morning at 8 am and could smell something was wrong. I went downstairs and found my girlfriend passed out drunk on the kitchen floor. For a moment I panicked until I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

I'm kidding, of course! She had deflated and passed out on the couch. Besides, McDonald's serves breakfast all day long.

The News As I See It: The FDA says it found "serious health violations" at some Whole Foods stores and actually sent Whole Foods a warning letter. In response, Whole Foods shredded the letter, mixed it with some kale, and is now selling it for $18 a pound.

Kim Kardashian appears nude on the current cover of "GQ," with the headline "Kim as you've never seen her." Which I can only assume means in a library?

Authorities are warning people to avoid swimming in some New Jersey rivers because of increased numbers of so-called clinging jellyfish. Though if you're swimming in New Jersey rivers, you're probably not big on warnings.

This Date In History: 1756; British soldiers were thrown into the cell known as the "Black Hole of Calcutta." 1782; The Great Seal of the United States was adopted. 1819; The 320-ton Savannah became the first steamship to cross the Atlantic. 1837; Queen Victoria ascended the British throne.

1863; West Virginia became the 35th state in the United States. 1893; Lizzie Borden, accused of murdering her parents, was found innocent by a jury in New Bedford, Mass. 1967; Muhammad Ali was convicted of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted.

Picture Of The Day: The company who will soon employ robots to replace $15 per hour hamburger flippers.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I sleep better naked. Why doesn’t the flight attendant understand this? 2) I get out of awkward party conversations by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial. 3) Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got into their house. 4) Thanks to all the Facebook moms for posting their ultrasound photos of the new babies. Here's one of an MRI of my knee. 5) A six year old boy was recently kicked out of school and suspended for kissing a girl's hand. I glad all these laws are being passed now. When I was six years old, I was not a licensed physician, so I would have been doing hard time by the fourth grade.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 20th: Be grateful that you have a good network of friends and family. Even if you lose a few friends, you still have your family....,well, except maybe Uncle Frank.

Screaming "Death to the Infidel!" as you're walking through busy airports or shopping centers will leave you with bruises in special places.

Birthdays: Jacques Offenbach, composer 1819, Lloyd Augustus Hall, chemist 1894, Audie Murphy, war veteran, actor 1924, Olympia Dukakis, actress 1931, José Alexandre “Xanana” Gusmão, revolutionary leader 1946, Robert Rodriguez, filmmaker 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man mowed his lawn and after doing so, he sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. His wife walked by and asked him what he was doing and he said "nothing."

The reason he said that instead of saying "just thinking" is because she would have said, "about what?" At that point, he would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally, he thought about an age old question. Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, he have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for his conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

Down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck.

Another hunter asked, "Where's Harry?" Harry's Partner answered, "He fainted a couple miles up the trail." The other hunter asked, "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"

Harry's partner replied, "It was a tough decision, but I figured no one is going to steal Harry."

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00."

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?" The Indian says, "yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, ""you're on."

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana." The dejected cowboy walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff."

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas."

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?" The Indian replies, "By the wool on your zipper."

That's it for today, my little emus. Remember, some people are like 5-year-olds. They shake heads in agreement, but you know by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

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