Monday, June 27, 2016
Clinton-Warren Democratic Ticket ?
Elizabeth Pocahontas Warren campaigned in Ohio today for Crooked Hillary Clinton, fueling speculation that she may be Hillary's V.P. Amusingly, the two women weren't socially savvy enough to check what colors each would wear, both appearing in shades of blue.
Nevertheless, it's a possibility and if you think things were bad under golfing Barry Obama, wait until Crooked Hillary Clinton takes office, especially if Pocahonas is her V.P. All we need to complete the trifecta is Oprah Winfrey as Secretary of State, Ya gotta keep a little soul in office or the natives will get restless.
The News As I See It: Obama is apparently interested in owning an NBA team after he leaves office. You'll know it's Obama's team when they travel too much and never pass anything.
Bernie Sanders still hasn't officially dropped out of the race for president, but last week, he gave a speech with the theme "Where do we go from here?" I think he was basically asking the crowd for directions back to Vermont.
The UK officially voted to leave the European Union. It caused the British pound to hit a 31-year low. You could tell Brits were struggling today. Queen Elizabeth was wearing one of those cardboard crowns from Burger King.
This Date In History: 1844; Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints founder Joseph Smith was murdered by a mob in Carthage, Ill. 1898; Joshua Slocum became the first person to successfully circumnavigate the earth alone when he landed his sloop Spray in Newport, R.I., a 46,000-mile trip.
1922; The Newbery Medal for children’s literature was first awarded. 1950; President Harry S. Truman ordered the Air Force and Navy into the Korean War. 1954; The world's first atomic power station opened at Obninsk, near Moscow.
1969; Police and gays clashed at the Stonewall Inn in New York City, fostering the gay rights movement. 1985; The legendary Route 66, running from Chicago to Santa Monica, Calif., was decertified, the victim of the Interstate Highway System.
2003; The national do-not-call registry, formed to combat unwanted telemarketing calls and administered by the Federal Trade Commission, enrolled almost three-quarters of a million phone numbers on its first day.
Picture Of The Day: While I have no problem with a female president, I'd surely like to see better choices. Quite frankly, Joy Bejar or Rosie O'Donnell would be just as efficient.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) "This isn't my first rodeo" - (Guy at his second rodeo). 2) Some kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield. At first I thought I hit a unicorn until I realized I wasn't in San Francisco. 3) Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them. 4) My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family, so I started dating her sister. 5) I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 27th: Love hides in strange places and could be waiting for you at some of the strangest places you've ever imagined. On the other hand, it could be hidden in a pantry, bound and gagged. There are some strange things that go on in pantries. I know, I've been there.
Birthdays: Charles Stewart Parnell, statesman 1846, Frank Rattray Lillie, zoologist and educator 1870, Helen Keller, American author and lecturer, blind and deaf from the age of two 1880, Bob Keeshan, Captain Kangaroo 1927, H. Ross Perot, business executive 1930, Vera Wang, fashion designer 1949.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
A black guy and Murphy go into a pastry shop. The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice. The black guy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!"
Murphy says to the black guy, "Watch this, any Paddy is smarter than you and I'll prove it to you." He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie..."
The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too. The baker is really mad now and he yells, “O.K! where is your famous magic trick?" Murphy says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.
A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "Sir, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
The drunk muttered. "Well, I'll be damned" and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. He said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk replied, "Oh, I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has it."
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. Kaboom! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. Ka-Blooey! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. Bulls-Eye!
The coach said to himself. "I've got to get this guy! He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother. He says into the phone, "Mom, I just won the Super Bowl!"
The old woman says, "I don't want to talk to you. You are not my son!" The young man pleads, "I don't think you understand, Mother, I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
His mother retorts, "No! Let me tell you! At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says... "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !
That's it for today, my little rugrats. Remember, money may not buy you happiness, but poverty won’t buy you shit.
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More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !