Cougars - Ya Gotta Love 'Em !

The cougar, also known as the puma or mountain lion, is native to the Americas. This large, solitary cat has the greatest range of any large wild terrestrial mammal in the Western Hemisphere, extending from Yukon in Canada to the southern Andes of South America.

An adaptable, generalist species, the cougar is found in every major American habitat type. It is the second heaviest cat in the Western Hemisphere, after the jaguar. Although large, the cougar is most closely related to smaller felines and is closer genetically to the domestic cat than to true lions. Like the smaller felines, the cougar is nocturnal.

Cougar is also a slang term referring to a woman who seeks relations with considerably younger men. Typically, the term refers to women over 30 years old.

Personally, I admire both types of cougar. Both dangerous and nocturnal, I admire the former from a distance and the latter, much more closely. Although the latter usually seeks younger prey, now and then one may have a bad night of hunting and even a blind squirrel like me finds an acorn now and then.....

A tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted, "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." An old man in the back of the bus shouted, "Why?"

The News As I See It: According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3 percent to 8.1 percent last month. That's because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Obama has said that's a step in the right direction and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work.

Anti-American crowds have been protesting and burning American flags over that anti-Islamic film. And the U.S. is now bracing for more protests next week when the film comes out on Blu-ray.

Protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan and Tunisia are all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?

All over the world people are chanting, "Death to America." Except in China, where they're chanting, "Not until we get our money back."

A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, Obama got a four-point bounce in the polls, which means that's he's now only five points behind Bill Clinton.

Obama joked this week that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of "Explaining Stuff". You know what's another good name for that position? President.

In a recent promotion, Mitt Romney is offering donors a chance to win a ride on his campaign plane. But if you know how Mitt Romney travels, this is one contest you don't want to win....unless you like riding while strapped on the roof of his plane.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has written a new book about his affair with his Hispanic housekeeper and the book is actually called "Total Recall." In response, his housekeeper has written a book about their affair called "Alien vs. Predator."

American Idol still has a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it.

This Date In History: 1881; President James Garfield died of a gunshot wound inflicted by a disappointed office seeker the previous July 2. 1934; Bruno Hauptmann was arrested for the Lindbergh baby kidnap-murder.

1955; President Juan Peron of Argentina was deposed and exiled after a military coup. 1957; The United States conducted its first underground nuclear test in the Nevada desert. 1962; Governor Ross Barnett blocked James Meredith from enrolling in the University of Mississippi.

1985; The Mexico City area was struck by the first of two devastating earthquakes that claimed thousands of lives. The second earthquake hit 36 hours later.

1994; U.S. troops entered Haiti to enforce the return of exiled president Jean-Bertrand Aristide. 2001; The Pentagon ordered combat aircraft to the Persian Gulf following the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

Picture Of The Day: With all the turmoil going on in the Middle-East, just keep in mind that we have a few women drivers that can resolve any problems that might arise.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't my burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little each day. 2) When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it. 3) According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were. 4) Humpty Dumpty was pushed! 5) They finally released the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 19th: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with the one that attracts you.

Birthdays: My pal Emilio - Happy Birthday brother ! 19XX, George Cadbury, manufacturer, social reformer 1839, William Hesketh Lever, soap-maker, philanthropist 1851, Benjamin Reifel, Sioux activist and U.S. representative 1906, Sir William Golding English novelist 1911, Jim Abbott, baseball pitcher 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on his porch watching the sun go down over the hills, he spied his prize bull screwing one of his cows.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." Mabel whispered back, "Well then, why don't you? It's your cow."

A grouchy old woman awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. She asked the doctor, "Why are all the damned blinds closed?"

The doctor responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

An elderly couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator. She said, "...and finally, I want to thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator."

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day. they are favored to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." The coach says in a panic, "What? How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

That's it for today, my little licorice sticks. Remember, don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often. You can find me over in AREA 51 around happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Get Off My #%$! Tail !

It's funny how things you say come back to haunt you. In Friday's post, I mentioned that the shinbone was a device for finding furniture in a dark room. Let me add that stepping on your cat's tail in the middle of the night may cause you to stumble and stub your toe against the wall, causing both you and the cat to utter expletives at each other.

Although I am not fluent in cat speak, I assume by his tone that he was displeased at my error and I, of course, was not real happy at his choice of sprawling out and sleeping in the middle of a dark doorway. Fortunately for both of us, we made amends, sat back and a sipped a beer as we read the following story: 

A teeny little tuxedo kitty found a new mom, a big Siberian husky who looked after and nursed her as her own. Mushu the kitty was born to a stray cat and later rescued by her human when she was only 8 weeks old. They had a dog named Luna who accepted Mushu as soon as she laid eye on the poor little tux. The love is reciprocal. Mushu chose Luna to be her surrogate mom and they have been inseparable ever since.

The News As I See It: Happy Birthday to Prince Harry, who just turned 28 years old. It was easy for his family to find him a gift — you can’t go wrong with pants.

It’s good to see both presidential candidates creating jobs in the negative campaign ad sector.

The movie "Resident Evil: Retribution" opened this weekend. People become zombies after an experimental medical program goes awry and mutants become undead, bent on destroying the world. Or as Republicans call it, Obamacare.

Obama and Paul Ryan will speak at the AARP’s annual meeting next week. They’re expected to face some tough questions, such as, "Huh?" AARP stands to make millions from Obamacare which is why they endorsed it.

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitution was completed and signed by a majority of the delegates attending the constitutional convention in Philadelphia. 1862; The bloodiest day in U.S. military history occurred at the Battle of Antietam when more than 23,000 were killed or wounded.

1908; Lt. Thomas Selfridge, a passenger in a plane piloted by Orville Wright, became the first airplane fatality when the craft crashed. 1920; The American Professional Football Association, a precursor of the NFL, was formed in Canton, Ohio.

1980; Anastasio Somoza Debayle, former president of Nicaragua, was assassinated in Paraguay. 1994; Heather Whitestone of Alabama became the first deaf Miss America.

2004; Barry Bonds became the third baseball player (and the first on steroids) to hit 700 career home runs, joining Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth.

Picture Of The Day: The new iphone is much ado about nothing. It is merely a clone of the last last iphone with a few more flashy gadgets to impress the hard of understanding.

On the other hand, the AREA 51 idrink iphone has far more important features such as a flask for your favorite beverage for those places that frown on bringing your own.

Other features include apps for Breathalyzer tests and the iphone-your-wife app which automatically calls your wife if you are unable to drive home (anti-bat on the head protective helmet for staying out late and drinking not included).
  

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 2) I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally. 3) If you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you better hurry up. 4) There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you're supposed to be doing something else. 5) I sure will be glad when scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 17th: Pillows are a special addition to a couch for a romantic evening, but make sure the pillows don't have Mr. T's face on them. You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on ebay, for sale at low, low prices. This week will see a waning of your libido after your partner decides to shave their hair and starts wearing dungarees to bed. Chance of romance is 95 percent, but I take a pass if I were you.

Birthdays: Christian Louis Lange, pacifist 1869, William Carlos Williams, poet and physician 1883, Warren Earl Burger, fifteenth Chief Justice of the United States 1907, Hank Williams, country singer 1923, Anne Bancroft, actress 1931.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was asked by his wife to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the farmer's market and looked around but couldn't find any.

So he grabbed an old employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at him and said, "No, you'll have to do that yourself."

After setting out an elaborate dinner for two, the bellboy asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" The man replied, "No, thank you. That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.

The bellboy asked. "Would you like anything for your wife?" The man replied, "Yeah, that's a good idea. Bring up a postcard."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde waitress walked into the bar and the bartender asked, "Why are you late?" The blonde explained, "It was awful. I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident."

The bartender asked, "What happened?" The blonde replied, "A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course."

The bartender queried, "What did you do?" The blonde replied, "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

A woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait until your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home and as he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." The startled father said, "...but, why?" His wife said, "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

Sonny said, "Well, I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door. They got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with Uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. The Queen said, "Oh Dear. How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

The Archbishop said, "It's quite understandable, your highness. As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse."

That's it for today, my little mushrooms. Remember, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Enough !

It's time to tell the White House and Congress that America can no longer support (read "send money") to countries that cannot protect American interests and citizens. The current turmoil in the Middle East shows me that countries involved there cannot and will not control their citizens, yet always have their hands out for American aid.

To believe the current Mideast turmoil is due to a poorly made video and not tied in any way to September 11th is naive and outright ignorant. Obama and Congress need to stand up to these countries and if ignored, stop all foreign aid payments immediately.

These countries have been wallowing in their own ignorance for thousands of years and I don't see any change coming as long as there is no fear of reprisal. It's time to pull the breast from the baby's mouth and let it cry alone.

The News As I See It: In Las Vegas, Obama said he'll win the election if the turnout is anything like it was in 2008. Voters said he'd win if he were anything like he was in 2008.

People are complaining that the new iPhone 5 is taller than the last model, which means they have to buy a new case. In response, Apple issued an official statement saying, "Exactly."

Only 96,000 jobs were added last month and half of those were strippers working the Republican and Democratic conventions.

A U.S. drone strike in Yemen has killed al-Qaida's number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs.

In Russia, a 122-year-old man has passed away. He credited his long life to abstaining from alcohol, tobacco, and women. His last words were, "I made a huge mistake."

Some people call "The X Factor" a rip-off of "American Idol." These people are called "correct."

This Date In History: 1814; Francis Scott Key composed the lyrics to The Star Spangled Banner. 1901; President McKinley died of gunshot wounds inflicted by an assassin. Vice President Theodore Roosevelt succeeded him. 1927; Modern dance pioneer Isadora Duncan died in Nice, France.

1940; Congress passed the Selective Service Act, providing for the first peacetime draft in U.S. history. 1959; The Soviet space probe Luna 2 became the first man-made object to reach the Moon when it crashed onto the lunar surface.

1982; Princess Grace of Monaco died from injuries sustained in a car crash the previous day. 1994; Acting commissioner Bud Selig announced the cancellation of the 1994 baseball season on the 34th day of a strike by players.

Picture Of The Day: If I were ever to be reborn as pigeon, it would be nice to land a park full of lady pigeons in an outfit like this.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Joe Theisman needs a Super Beta Prostate lobotomy and it should be performed by Coach Jimmy Johnson using his tiny Extenze tool. 2) Some people are like Slinkies; not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 3) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 4) You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 5) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather....not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 14th: Love is like a long joke where the punchline doesn't make any sense. Even after your friends try to explain it to you, it still won't make any sense. But it'll happen and it'll make you feel pretty good about yourself. Monkeys can make awesome pets but they are prone to flinging their poo when angered. I just gave mine a glass of scotch on the rocks. 

Birthdays: Lots of family and friends celebrating birthdays today beginning with my grandson Kc, my sweet Julia, high school and stock car racing pal Dana, the lovely Karebear and from the Barnwell clan, my pal Scott - Happy Birthday everyone! 19XX,  Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, physiologist 1849, Alice Stone Blackwell, feminist 1857, Charles Dana Gibson, illustrator 1867, Margaret Sanger, feminist 1879, Constance Baker Motley, lawyer and jurist 1921.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot. The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

One of the ladies responds, "Certainly not! We purchased the car this afternoon." The cop says, "Why don't you start it up and drive out of here?" The other little old lady relied, "We don't drive and besides we are waiting." Officer O'Leary asks, "What are you waiting for?" The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."

During a recent Romney campaign stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, "Hey Mitt Witt, where are you hiding your tax returns?" Governor Romney politely responded, "I've found a very secure place that I'm certain they won't be found." The insistent heckler then shouted, "And just where is that, dummy?"

Governor Romney smiled and said, "They are underneath Obama's college records, his immigration status as a student, and his funding sources to pay for college. What's your next question?"
   

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Vivian for her contribution to today's stories.

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did." The stewardess said, "Well then, go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time."

One day while doing door-to-door market research, a guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife. "He says, "Hello, I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?" The woman answers, "Yes. My husband and I use it during sex."

The researcher is taken aback. "He stammers, Um, I admire you for your honesty, Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" The woman replies, "Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."

An old lady was standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist. A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat." She said, "Mister, everything down there is seventy-five years old. This hat is brand new!"

That's it for today, my little puddin' heads. Remember, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour and karaoke. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

The Times They Are A-Changin'

My former sister-in-law and good friend Phyllis dug one out of the archives from back in the day and I thought I'd share it with you. I'm a bit unsure of the year but then, again, I'm unsure what I had for breakfast. I believe the picture is from the late seventies.

Since you didn't buy a program, the players, from left to right, are my niece Sommer (who's grown and has a child of her own), Sister Jeanne and Mom. Dad, who by right of seniority claims the center of attraction, leaving the background to Brother Kirt and myself.

There were good times and bad times back in the day, but thankfully, mostly good times which I remember with fondness. Time marches on.....

The News As I See It: Vice President Joe O'Biden hung out with a biker gang in Ohio this weekend. I don't know if that's wise. It's not always a good idea to be associating with shady characters. So next time, bikers, think twice.

Mitt Romney released another ad that features Hispanic voters speaking in Spanish. The ad ends with him saying, "I'm Mitt Romney and I have no idea what these people are saying."

Obama visited a pizzeria in Florida. The owner gave the president a bear hug and lifted him off his feet. Everybody shared a good laugh and then the Secret Service shot the man in the face.

The number one movie at the box office again this weekend was "The Possession," which is a Jewish version of "The Exorcist." The climax of the film is when they force the ghost to retire to Boca Raton, Florida.

Kim Kardashian's mom, Kris Jenner, said that Honey Boo Boo's mom is exploiting her daughter. Moments later Kris Jenner was hospitalized for acute irony poisoning.

Jeff Probst, Katie Couric, and Rikki Lake all premiered new talk shows. Oprah Winfrey's show has been off the air a year now. Everyone wants to fill the empty chair left by Oprah except Clint Eastwood. He just wants to yell at the empty chair left by Oprah.

Since Oprah left, everyone's been asking the same question. Whose couch will Tom Cruise jump on when he signs a contract with his next "new wife"?

I'm curious about the show hosted by Jeff Probst. This week's guests are a group of 80-year-old women discussing their sex lives. Isn't that "The View"?

Prince Harry is back in the news. Three weeks after those nude photos appeared of him playing strip billiards at a hotel, he was deployed for a four-month tour of duty in Afghanistan. One crazy night and queen grandma ships you right to Kandahar.

Bill Clinton was unbelievable during the Democratic Convention. According to Democrats, he won the election for Obama, he helped the cowboys beat the Giants and he even had time to go to Hooters afterward.

O.J. Simpson is claiming that Khloe Kardashian is his daughter. He makes the claim in his new book called "The Only Thing I'm Ashamed Of."

This Date In History: 1609; Henry Hudson began his exploration of the Hudson River. 1953; Future President John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Bouvier. 1977; South African black civil rights leader Steven Biko died while in police custody.
1992; Dr. Mae Carol Jemison became the first black woman in space aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour. 1999; Indonesia announced it would allow an international peacekeeping force to restore order to East Timor.

Picture Of The Day: The beautiful and rare Snowy Owl.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I set my DVR to record "The Biggest Loser" and it keeps recording the Miami Dolphins football games. 2) Over one-third of all school children are obese. The other two-thirds are terrified at being trampled to death at recess. 3) I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast. 4) You can tell a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. 5) My first wife was Italian and my second wife was Cuban. My third wife does not exist, but my girlfriend is a beautiful young woman whose face is much younger than theirs and changes from time to time.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 12th: I don't lie to you to make you return to my journal for your daily horoscope. Ok, that's a lie, I think you're all talented, gorgeously beautiful, people. Relax, break out the medicines and pills and get funkin'! Chance of romance is 98.6 percent.....

Birthdays: My sweet pal Nury - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Richard Jordan Gatling, inventor 1818, Mary Ann Dyer Goodnight, philanthropist 1839, Henry Louis Mencken, editor, author, and critic 1880, Maurice Chevalier, singer and film actor 1888, Ben Shahn, painter 1898, Jesse Owens, track star 1913.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" The other boys says, "I've been circumcised." The first boy asked, "What's that mean?" The other boy says, "It means they cut the skin off the end."

The first boy says, "How old were you when it was cut off?" The other boy says, "My mom said I was only two days old." The first boy asked, inquiringly, "Did it hurt?" The other by replied, "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex.

He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.

The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens' tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Next, she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead."

He never even had the chance to duck.....

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that read, "Looking for man that won't beat me up, run away home and is great in bed." She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

That's it for today, my little kitty kats. Remember, you can't fight progress, but you can unplug a lot of it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Remember !

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the September 11, 2001 Islamic terrorist attack on the Twin Towers in New York City and the Pentagon. God bless the victims of the attack and God bless all those who helped in the rescue of the survivors. We will never forget !

A tough road to ho? Well, maybe. If you're a woman of ill repute walking on an asphalt thoroughfare and being described by a ghetto rat, the phrase may be correct. The term, however mangled and/or misspelled, is "tough row to hoe." Taken from farmers, it refers to weeding and clearing around a row of plants using an implement called a hoe.

As one who has actually had to do this task on my father's farm, the hair on the back of my neck stands up when I hear the term misused, especially by supposedly educated types in the media and on television.

The News As I See It: I was unaware of this, but Al Gore spoke at the Democratic convention. He said, "Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks!"

Mark Zuckerberg announced he will not sell his 440 million shares of Facebook stock for at least a year. Then, if he does sell, he'll use the money from the sale of the stock to maybe see a movie or take his wife out for a bite to eat.

The economy is so bad that Mitt Romney was at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper. It's so bad that Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change.

A man was arrested in Pennsylvania for planting marijuana on the property of a church. People could tell something was up because instead of communion wafers, the priest was just handing out Barbeque Pringles. After confession, the priest had people do four Hail Marys and five Willie Nelsons.

There were two earthquakes in Beverly Hills recently. As people in Beverly Hills were running out of their homes, everyone was yelling the same thing. Oscar and Emmy winners out first.

There was a big shakeup on "American Idol." There is still a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it.

This Date In History: 1813; Oliver H. Perry sent his famous message, "We have met the enemy, and they are ours," after defeating the British in the Battle of Lake Erie in the War of 1812.

1846; Elias Howe of Massachusetts received a patent for his sewing machine. 1939; Canada declared war on Germany, entering WWII.

1963; Twenty black students entered public schools in Birmingham, Mobile, and Tuskegee, Alabama, after President John F. Kennedy sent National Guardsman to end the standoff with Alabama Governor George Wallace.

1988; Steffi Graf achieved tennis' first Grand Slam since Margaret Court in 1970 by winning the U.S. Open women's final. 2002; Switzerland became the 190th member of the United Nations.

Picture Of The Day: This picture brings back many memories, most of which I can't recant and the rest I can't remember..... 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My Uncle in Chicago was a staunch conservative and voted straight line Republican until the day he died. Now, he votes Democrat. 2) I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future...but enough about my diet. 3) My great-uncle once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building.  He changed my mind at the last minute, so he just flipped over and landed on his feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." 4) I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.  5) To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 10th: Your vision will never fail as long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes. Everything you read online today will turn out to be a complete scam, but I'm being redundant. Chance of romance is 63.27 percent depending on how you look at it.

Birthdays: William Torrey Harris, educator and philosopher 1835, Elsa Schiaparelli fashion designer 1890, Arnold Palmer, golfer 1929, Charles Kuralt, television news reporter 1934, Roger Maris, baseball player 1934, Stephen Jay Gould, paleontologist and science writer 1941, Amy Irving, actress 1953, Colin Firth, actor 1960, Randy Johnson, baseball player 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two 70 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.

The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes you feel like a man of 30." The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?" The first man,"You probably could, if you took 2 pills."

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired, I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 28 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "That's fantastic! Why the hell are you crying!?" The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plip! Plop!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"
 

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

Down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

That's it for today, my little Wile E. Coyotes. Remember, Always start your diet on the same day.....tomorrow! That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !