Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year my little hazel nuts and welcome to the year 2010 or as the Chinese zodiac calls it, The Year Of The Tiger. I'm not much into astrology but I'll bet my bottom dollar that there's one certain "Tiger" who hopes that this is his year.

New Year's resolutions are being made all over America today and many have probably already been broken. Most New Year's resolutions are a bigger joke than Tiger Wood's wedding vows but inevitably we all seem to make resolutions we can't keep. The trick is to make resolutions that you can keep. I always resolve not to drink any more. At the same time, I also resolve not to drink any less.

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other yet they idea remains popular. I think most resolutions are made on New Year's Eve and are often fueled by liquor. Making a resolution that you will assure your lawyer that you will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing is really not a good idea.

Many people resolve to spend less than two hours a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since most people are not clock watchers. What these people should actually resolve to do is not replying with "LOL" when they receive an email joke from a friend.

I have made a few resolutions for 2010 and in no particular order, they are: 1) I will try to figure out why I really need five e-mail addresses. 2) I will read the manual....just as soon as I can find it. 3) I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number. 4) I will spend less time listening to Johnnie Walker Black except when I accidentally overhear what he has in mind. 5) I will no longer bite off more than I can chew with the exception of wine, women and song.

My pal, Ally, author of Life With Ally is currently in the hospital due to a lung infection. I have been in contact with her daughter Lyn and she told me that she hopes that Ally will be out of the hospital soon. You can send get well wishes to Ally by clicking following link:

The News As I See It: If you had bought $1000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. With Enron, you would have $16 left of the original $1,000 With Worldcom, you would have less than $5 left. If you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program, I call it my 401-Keg program.

This Date In History: 1863; Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation. 1908; The ball signifying the New Year was dropped for the first time at Times Square in New York City. 1914; The world's first airline, St. Petersburg Tampa Airboat Line, starts operation in St. Petersburg, Florida.

1959; Fidel Castro and his revolutionaries took over Cuba and toppled Fulgencio Batista's regime. 1975; John Mitchell, H. R. Haldeman, and John Ehrlichman were convicted of obstruction of justice in the Watergate affair. 1993; Czechoslovakia peacefully split into the Czech Republic and Slovakia.

1994; The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) went into effect. 2002; Euro coins and notes went into circulation in twelve European nations.

Picture Of The Day: The Year Of The Tiger according to the Chinese. Of course, we have our own "Year Of The Tiger" but it was in 2009. In my mind, if you want to see nobility and grace, you need only to look at the character and determination of my hero of the year, Captain Sully Sullenburger.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. 2) Old men should never be given a prescription for Viagra unless they have at least three notes from women who would do them. 3) When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 4) You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. For example, being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. That's stuff you pay good money for in later life. 5) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Paul Revere, American patriot 1735, Anthony Wayne, general 1745, Betsy Ross, seamstress 1752, Pierre de Coubertin, father of the modern Olympic Games 1863, J. Edgar Hoover, director of FBI 1895, J. D. Salinger, writer 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two old hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You just had yourself a son! Ain't that grand!"

Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got yourself a daughter! Shes a pretty little thing, too."

Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had yourself another boy!"

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember that night when we run out of Vaseline and we had to use that there three-in-one Oil?" His wife said, "Yeah, I do!" Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a damn good thing we didn't use no WD-Forty."

In Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Hicks were sitting on the porch swing talking about the good ol days when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

Ma says, "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" Paw raises up and says," Git my gun, Ma." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim and fires three shots at the bird. The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

Ma says, "I think ya missed him, Pa." Pa says, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Mary Sue had a heart attack and passed out. Not knowing what to do, Bubba called 911 and the operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away. The operator asked, "Where do you live?" Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

That's it for today my little cheese doodles. Remember, whenever you feel blue, start breathing again. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

Happy New Year Darling!

Hugs, Rose

Linda's World said...

An early Friday morning entry, means you actually came home after partying or you wrote this entry days ago and scheduled it for posting this morning. Hmmmmmmmmm!
Ok, I need to remember~no more "LOL's." I hate to make resolutions because I feel like such a failure when I don't keep them. So what I do is resolve to just do my best. Linda in Washington

Sugar said...


garnett109 said...

Have A Happy New Year

Winivere said...

Awesome resolutions... but will you keep them? LOL

madcobug said...

Happy New Year Jimmy. I never make new Years resolutions. Helen

Missie said...

Happy 2010!

Joann said...

Happy New Year, Jimmy!! I hope this year will keep you healthy and happy!! Thanks for the info on Ally, I'll go leave a note.

I love the hang-gliding joke!! LOL!!

Senorita said...

Happy New Year ! I hope you have a fun 2010 !

Paula said...

Your printable list is great today and I'm glad you explained that 75% of the population 'cause I never was worth a darn in math.