Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Did You Ever Wonder What The Speed Of Lightning Would Be If It Didn't Zigzag?

I love rainy nights. It has a nostalgic effect on me and takes me back to my childhood days, lying in bed at night and listening to the rain. In those days, we didn't have air-conditioning and the cool breeze that always proceeded the rain was refreshing. I remember that I could literally smell the rain coming.

Rainy nights, however, are not welcome when The Eagle decides to pay a visit to AREA 51, especially if the rain is accompanied by lightning. Summer always brings afternoon rains, especially in South Florida.

I recall an evening last summer when it started drizzling just about the time that I got out of the shower. Unswayed by the winds, rain and lightning, I continued to dress because I, much like the heralded postman, had my own AREA 51 mission and neither wind, nor rain, nor lack of scotch would prevent this courageous courier from the (somewhat) swift completion of his mission. That is, of course, unless any of the aforementioned conditions includes lightning.

Actually, lightning has a way of closing my sphincter muscle to the point that it actually causes aging. I can handle the rains and winds, but lightning ofttimes forces me to yell out that old warning, "women, children and journalists first."
With those thoughts in mind I am proud to tell you, that summer night, I went out my front door, opened my umbrella and a bolt of lightning hit within fifty yards of my proximity.

Like the mighty warrior that I am, I turned and ran back into the house, screaming like a campfire girl. Nay, my little lightning rods, mama didn't raise no fool. I surrendered the evening to the elements and was forced to sit at home alone. Thankfully, my spiritual advisor and confidant Johnnie Walker Black was there to console me. Bravery and courage has its' merits, but not when lightning is involved.....

The News As I See It: The government announced that they’re making big changes to the No-Fly list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been working.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said that soon, the U.S. will reopen the Mexican border to trucks. This came as a shock to Mexican truck drivers, who didn’t even know it was closed.

Britain’s current prime minister, Gordon Brown, announced that he is stepping down and his replacement might be the education secretary, a gentleman named Ed Balls. Since Jimmy's Journal relies a great deal on political humor, I implore the voters of Britain to make sure that happens.

Europe has authorized the financial bailout for Greece. Greece is like the world’s new brother-in-law. They say that the check being written for Greece is the biggest check ever written — until Tiger Woods gets divorced.

Odds and Ends: President Obozo nominated Elena Kagan to be the next Supreme Court justice, against the advice of Joe Biden, who wanted Iron Man. Obozo said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke. The State Department has warned against travel to the tribal regions of Pakistan. Crap! There goes my summer vacation. According to a new study, modern human beings bred with neanderthals. Well, it sure didn’t work for Sandra Bullock.

This Date In History: 1777; The first ice cream advertisement by Philip Lenzi, New York Gazette. 1870; Manitoba becomes a province of Canada. 1908; Wireless Radio Broadcasting is patented by Nathan B Stubblefield. 1925; Walter Hagen wins PGA golf tournament

1932; The body of kidnapped son of Charles Lindbergh is found in Hopewell, New Jersey. 2008; Tens of thousands killed and thousands injured when a 7.9 magnitude earthquake strikes Sichuan, Gansu, and Yunnan Provinces in western China.

Picture Of The Day: Lightning, one of the few things that petrifies me. That, of course, and the sound of a car pulling into a driveway of a house where I am involved in a clandestine meeting, but I digress....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I once saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, the six of them should be enough." 2) After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !! 3) The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. 4) Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk. 5) Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Florence Nightingale, English nurse, the founder of modern nursing 1820, Henry Cabot Lodge, U.S. Senator 1850, Katharine Hepburn, actress 1907, Dorothy Crowfoot Hodgkin, chemist, Nobel laureate 1910, Yogi Berra, baseball player 1925, Burt Bacharach, composer 1929, George Carlin, comedian 1937, Emilio Estevez, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since indeed, she had never found Mr. Right.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." The farmer replied, "Suit yourself, the hens are round the back."

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Southern refinery. A Northern boy applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Northern boy the job." Bubba asked, "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being the South, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied, "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Northern boy put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him and said, " Hi, my name's Carmen." The man said, "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?"

The woman said, "No, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?" The man replied, "B. J. Titsengolf."

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember, there are three kinds of people in the world. The ones who learn by reading, the ones who learn by observation and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot. Hump day....Happy Hour.....Scotch. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


madcobug said...

Great lightening pictures. I am afraid of it also. LOL on Bubba's answer. Helen

Rose said...

I'm also terrified of lightning!

Great graphics!

Hugs, Rose

Missie said...

I've never thought about the speed but now that you made mention of it, I would like to know! LOL

Enjoy the rest of your week. The weekend will be here before we know it.

jack69 said...

The sailor in me likes "Mr. B.J. Titsengolf!"

But the lightening, I love it, I have since I was a kid. Probably reflects ...... a brain like B.J Titsengolf.

Paula said...

The lightening pictures are beautiful but that is one thing I am afraid of. I wans't ready for that ugly punch line.