Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Washington D.C. - Can You Hear Me Now?

America has begun to dispose of useless politicians and incumbents and in national elections across the country yesterday, the message to Washington, D.C., was obvious.

In Pennsylvania, Rep. Joe Sestak defeated political whore Sen. Arlen Specter for the Democratic Senate nomination. Specter, who switched parties in 2009 after realizing he would be defeated, was given notice by voters that his kind was no longer needed in Washington. Specter desperately needed the campaign help of President Obozo, but, in typical Obozo fashion, da prez turned his back. Sestak will face Republican Pat Toomey in November.

It was a bipartisan night of rejection for the Washington establishment. Kentucky Republicans struck the first blow by choosing political newcomer Rand Paul as their Senate nominee. Paul, an ophthalmologist and Tea Party favorite, defeated Secretary of State Trey Grayson, who had been championed by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky.

In the coming months leading up to the November mid-term elections, more heads will roll beginning with Nevada senator Harry Reed. The message is ringing loud and clear and the fact that every candidate that was backed and supported by President Obozo lost his seat sends a clear message to Obozo's 2012 aspirations for re-election.

I keep forgetting that I have passed the age of 39. Although Jack Benny cornered the market on that fine age, alas, it has long since passed for the likes of me. The main problem is that I forget this important fact. Many times I have entered the restroom at one of my AREA 51 watering holes and upon nearing the sink, have become irritated waiting on the silver haired man in front of me to finish and move, so that I can wash my hands.

I was feeling pretty frisky after making my Monday entry and I undertook several tasks shortly thereafter that needed to be finished. Afterwards, I returned to the computer to do a few more things and then went to bed around 1:00 a.m.

I awoke today around 9:00 a.m. feeling rested and refreshed. I swung my legs to the floor and when I stood up, the pain in my right knee and my ankle was beyond belief. I laid back down and thought, "Now, what?" I suddenly remembered the phrase, "too much, too soon", a concept I've rarely had to apply to myself, but now seems like a viable alternative to burning the candle at both ends (especially with a short candle).

Orel B, the toothbrush people, only slightly irritated me when they came out with the lazyman's electric toothbrush. Now, they have me rolling with laughter on their newest invention. I apologize, in advance, to anyone who has purchased this product, but if you have, you seriously need to re-examine your priorities.

Their newest product is a computerized toothbrush. Yes, Bucky Beaver, you have competition. The computer tells you if you haven't done enough strokes (I wonder if this concept could be carried to the boudoir), if you are doing it incorrectly (redundant), and other valuable pearls of wisdom. Call me silly, but if you are unable to count to thirty, or your saliva is red or if you are unable to ascertain why you have a sharp pain in your gums, methinks, you'll also be unable to operate the computerized toothbrush, anyway.

Odds And Ends: I saw a television show the other evening where one of the people mentioned the "mile high club". I don't know if I qualify for the club due to my fear of flying, but I have spent several amorous weekends in Denver (the "Mile High" city). I did qualify for another club, however, called the "mile ahead club" where you have an amorous interlude in your car while parked behind a Cracker Barrel billboard.

The News As I See It: Attorney General Eric Holder has said that he may sue Arizona for their new immigration law, though he admitted that he had not read the law yet. That didn’t stop them from passing healthcare.

BP Oil has lowered a hose down to the oil spill in the Gulf. They’re pumping the leaking oil up to a tanker. The bad news is that the tanker is the Exxon Valdez. Scientists have developed a car that can run on water. The only problem is that the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.

A fertility clinic is now offering parents the option to select the eye and hair color of their babies. Don’t you miss the days when people would just get pregnant, have their eight babies, and go on "Entertainment Tonight"?

For the first time, an Arab-American, Rima Fakih, won Miss USA. Rima is very excited and she hopes this will help get her name off the No-Fly list.

A new study found that wine stored in boxes loses its flavor after six months. Although if your thing is boxed wine, I doubt you’re the kind of guy who keeps it for more than six months.

This Date In History: 1536; Anne Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII, was beheaded. 1588; The 130-ship-strong Spanish Armada set sail for England; it was defeated in August. 1643; The colonies of Massachusetts Bay, Plymouth, Connecticut, and New Harbor met to form the New England Confederation.

1921; Congress passed the Emergency Quota Act, establishing national quotas for immigrants. 1928; The first annual Calaveras County "Frog Jumping Jubilee" was held in Angel's Camp, California. 1935; British author and soldier, T. E. Lawrence, also known as "Lawrence of Arabia," died from injuries sustained in a motorcycle crash.

1962 Marilyn Monroe sang “Happy Birthday” to president John F. Kennedy. 1992 The 27th Amendment to the Constitution, which prohibited Congress from giving itself midterm pay raises, went into effect. 1994; Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died in New York.

Picture Of The Day: Most of today's pictures speak for themselves but the picture of the day has nothing to do with today's theme.....or does it?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A friend is someone who will help you move. A good friend is someone who will help you move a dead body. 2) Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough. 3) Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. 4) I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me. 5) Do you how to get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say F**k? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Johns Hopkins, financier and philanthropist 1795, Nancy Astor, politician 1879, Ho Chi Minh, Vietnamese President 1890, Lorraine Hansberry, playwright 1930, Nora Ephron, screenwriter, director 1941, Pete Townshend, musician; composer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Joe Bob, Jim Bob and Billy Bob are greeted in heaven by St. Peter who says, "We have only one rule, never step on a duck." But upon passing through the Pearly Gates, they're surrounded by thousands of ducks, and Joe Bob steps on one. The duck quacks and soon, all the ducks are quacking.

St. Peter admonishes, "I warned you not to step on a duck." He shackles Joe Bob to a ferocious looking 260 lb Amazon woman for all eternity. Jim Bob steps on a duck and gets tethered forever to a Brute 6 foot 6 redheaded Viking woman.

Billy Bob thinks, "Poor ole Joe Bob and Jim Bob", and learns to watch his step. So, St. Peter chains him to an absolutely gorgeous girl. Billy Bob exclaims, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?" The buxom beauty replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his ass. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

The owner said, "This is the dog I had in mind for you" The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!" The owner says "I know, he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. Trying to sound worldly and knowledgeable, he whispers, "My darring, I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. You juss ask! So, whatchu want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I have heard about from many other girls...Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, "You want ah...Gahric Chicken with steamy vegetable?"

Two elderly gentlemen, Slim and Bill, were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." Bill says, "Really? Like a newborn baby?" Slim says, "Yep! No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pssed my pants."

That's it for today my little tinker toys. Remember, you have the right to remain silent, but you may not have the ability. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

You had me on the floor about the two elderly men, Slim and Bill at the end!

Enjoy Hump Day! Have fun!

Hugs, Rose

Frances said...

Dr. Oz says that laughter is the best medicine for your heart. Thanks to you, Jimmy, we should all have healthier hearts. Your posts always bring laughter to my lips. Have a great time at Area 51 tonight, my friend.

garnett109 said...

Johnny G was Here

jack69 said...

I didn't know that was GArlic Chicken with Veggies. I think we should try it, the sixty nine.

Senorita said...

Awesome dog pictures !

Your printable things always crack me up ! Hope you had a fabulous hump day !

Julie said...

I have been happily watching the election results. Hope they keep on showing the government they can't mess with us. Loved the jokes today. Take care Jimmy, hope the knee is better.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Thanks Jimmy you never cease to keep me laughing ~ Thankyou so much ~ Ally x