Happy Memorial Day Weekend - Remember Our Soldiers Past And Present

Happy Memorial Day weekend to all of you and especially to our men and women in the armed forces, past and present, who have served and protected the security and safety of the United Sates of America.

I appreciate my father more and more lately, not only for the fact that he served his country in World War II and the small fact that he and my mother managed to raise three children past the age of 21 with no apparent shortcomings, but for deeper reasons as well.

I recall the fact that he didn't seem very smart when I was young but he acquired a lot more knowledge by the time I was an adult. He seemed un-coordinated and moreover, he talked to himself. I was twelve when I discovered he talked to himself and I told mom! After my mother wiped the tears of laughter off her face, she remarked that I might understand when I got a little older.

Well, I got a little older and I realize that I've become my father. I talk to my cat, Shithead (Possum S. Hemmingway...now you know what the "S" stands for). I talk to the television set. I not only talk to myself, but I also answer back. I cannot carry a cup of coffee from point A to point B without spilling it. Don't even ask about bathroom marksmanship! If I need to pass gas, I think about it very carefully before attempting to do so.

I go from my computer to the kitchen for a specific reason. Upon arrival, I have no idea why I'm in the kitchen. When I remember the reason, I'm sidetracked by another flash idea that has entered my head. I act upon the flash idea, resolve two more issues and then return to the computer. At this point in time I realize I did not my resolve my original mission in the kitchen. It is probably how I get the bulk of my exercise as I wander about the house. Yeah, I appreciate my Dad a lot more now that I've become him. Thank God some things still work!

Auto racing is on tap this weekend with a full compliment of events. Headlining the Memorial Day weekend is the Indianapolis 500 and the Nascar Charlotte 600.

The News As I See It: President Obozo is becoming frustrated about the oil spill and he reportedly said, "Plug the damn hole." That’s the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking. At the White House, speaking last week, a rodent ran in front of Obozo as he stood at the podium. In fact, the rat was picked up on the microphone going, 'How do I get off this sinking ship?'"

A Montana man has admitted that he killed a bald eagle, but his alibi is he thought it was a porcupine. How blind do you have to be to mistake a bald eagle for a porcupine? Anyway, the guy pleaded guilty so he could get back to his regular job inspecting oil rigs.

Tiger Woods is building a new house in Florida. You can tell it’s Tiger’s house because it has a front, a back, and a side that nobody knows about.

As A Public Service: I hate it when people send bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it's important. Please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If a young woman comes to your front door saying she is checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it! It is a scam! She only wants to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and used.....

This Date In History: 1863; Robert Gould Shaw, leading the first northern all-black regiment, leaves Boston for the Civil War. 1929; The first all-color, full-length talking picture, On With the Show!, debuted. 1934; The Dionne quintuplets were born in Ontario, Canada. 1957; Baseball owners voted to allow the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants to move to Los Angeles and San Francisco, respectively. Many New Yorkers still haven’t recovered.

1987; Mathias Rust, a 19-year-old pilot from West Germany, landed his private plane in Moscow’s Red Square. He was arrested and sentenced to four years in a labor camp, but was released after just one. 1997; Linda Finch completed Amelia Earhart's attempted around-the-world flight. 1998; Pakistan staged nuclear tests in response to India's nuclear tests two weeks earlier. 2003; Pres. Bush signed a $350 billion tax cut into law; the third largest tax cut in U.S. history.

Picture Of The Day: Today's pictures are dedicated to my father and all of the veterans of war. May God bless them all!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 2) Everything is edible. It's just that some things are only edible once. 3) Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. 4) Regular naps prevent old age -- especially if you take them while driving. 5) They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love. After marriage, it is self-defense.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My beautiful pal Maylen. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, William Pitt, statesman 1759, Thomas Moore, poet 1779, P. G. T. Beauregard, Confederate general 1818, Carl Larsson, painter and illustrator 1853, Jim Thorpe, American athlete 1888, Ian Fleming, author 1908.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: One evening an old man, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,"Perhaps we should start washing you clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your ass." His wife was not amused and decided that she simply could not let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the old man took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. When he shook them out, prior to putting them on, a little dust cloud appeared. He called his wife into the bathroom and said, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" His wife replied, "It's not talcum powder, its Miracle Grow."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred as some of the grappling hooks holding the climbers, gave way. This left six climbers clinging precariously to the swinging rope suspended from the mountain. Five of the women were blonde and one was a brunette.

As a group, they decided that one of the party should let go. If that did not happen, the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments, no one volunteered. Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All five blondes applauded.

During mealtime on a flight on a British Airways plane, the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row, "Would you like dinner?" The man asked, "What are my choices?" The flight attendant replied, "Yes or no."

An aging queen went to the emergency room complaining about rectal pain. Upon preliminary examination, the doctor said, "Mr. Jones, I can see the problem. You've got a dozen long-stemmed roses in your ass. The old queen replied, "Is there a card?"

The Catholic Church requires women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a blouse." The woman replied, "But Father, I have a divine right !" The priest says, " I can see, and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

Freebies: Get two free samples of Kraft Sandwich Shop Mayo when you register on the Kraft site. You will get two of four samples - chipotle, garlic and onion, hot and spicy, or horseradish. To register (name, address, DOB and email address) for the free samples, click here.

Author's Note: Due to some recurring spam, comments will be published subject to my approval. Please continue to feel free to make any comments and they will be published as soon as I am notified.

That's it for today my little turtle doves. Remember, people will believe anything if you whisper it. Friday means Happy Hour at AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !