The first thing I do is look around and make sure I'm at my apartment. Then, I do a quick body exam to make sure all the parts are still there and Ralph's ok. My next move, and I use the word loosely, is to head towards the bathroom to make sure I don't have any marks on my head where I usually place the lampshade and use it as a hat.
Assuming all check points are fine, I then try to recreate the evening in my feeble little mind with the hopes that I didn't do or say anything I could possibly regret or that could be used against me in a court of law. This is followed up with a quick check in my voice recorder on my cell phone as I ofttimes record messages to myself. Thankfully, I speak fluent Scotch, so I'm able to translate any messages to self. Yeah, I'm going to AREA 51 tonight and hopefully, I wont have to make any calls tomorrow to find out if I had fun tonight. The News As I See It: At the White House state dinner, Mexican President Calderon-Freeloader said that he and President Obozo have a lot in common. They’re both presidents of beautiful countries, they’re both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people. Obozo reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then, the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago.
The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was given to Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam war claims. Blumenthal is under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam, when he actually didn’t. The only combat experience he has is shooting himself in the foot. Blumenthal says he will not apologize for misleading people about his military record. He says that he misspoke, using the word "in," instead of "during," in reference to Vietnam. Sort of like using the word "misspoke" instead of "lied."
Larry King and his wife have called off their divorce. They both had to make concessions: His wife no longer has to say "King me," and Larry agreed to wear a "Do Not Resuscitate" sign.
This Date In History: 1542; Spanish explorer Hernando De Soto died while searching for gold on the banks of the Mississippi River. 1881; Clara Barton founded what became the American Red Cross. 1927; Charles Lindbergh became the first person to fly across the Atlantic (from New York to Paris) in his monoplane, The Spirit of St. Louis.
1932; Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean (from Newfoundland to Ireland). 1956; The first hydrogen bomb to be dropped by air exploded over the Bikini Atoll in the Pacific. 1989; In Hong Kong, approximately one million people took to the streets to show their support for students protesting for democratic reforms in China’s Tiananmen Square.
1991; Rajiv Gandhi, former Indian prime minister, was assassinated by a suicide bomber. 1998; Indonesian President Suharto resigned. 1999; Susan Lucci finally won a Daytime Emmy on her 19th nomination.
Picture Of The Day: Happy Hour is the theme for today. If you're wondering what fat Barbie has to do with Happy Hour, keep in mind that mine was hot and thin when I married her. My spiritual pal, the Rev. Johnnie Walker Black always describes her as hot, but each Saturday morning when I wake up, I realize the Reverend must have been drinking as well.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong! 2) There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 3) If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it? 4) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a bitch. 5) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.....and that's five !
Birthdays: Albrecht Dürer, painter, engraver 1471, Alexander Pope, English poet 1688, Elizabeth Fry, prison reformer and philanthropist 1780, Henri Rousseau, painter 1844, Glenn Curtiss, inventor and aviation pioneer 1878, Fats Waller, musician 1904, Andrei Sakharov, human rights advocate 1921.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:
An old man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how well you live on $800 a year."
Murray goes to see the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" Murray replies, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" Murray then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" Murray says, "Yes!" The Rabbi says, "Take the poison." The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Cajun and Victor for his contribution to today's stories.
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red? " The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" She replied, "No, but my cucumbers are enormous!" At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The Priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
That's it for today my little armadillos. Remember, some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and more and if I make any mistakes, I hope they're fun. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !