Infomercial "Buy my 'system' and become rich? The new and improved Acme writing system comes with a graphite point to put your ideas on paper and tool on the other end to delete your message, if desired. You get ten of these wonderful utensils for only ten dollars. But wait! Act now and we'll double the amount. That's right! Twenty utensils for ten dollars. Just call 1-800 Iamanasshole and we'll ship them out. Express delivery available." Uh....excuse me, they're just pencils.
Infomercial: Girls Gone Wild ! "These college coeds are crazy! See them together for the first time!" Uh....college coeds? They may drive past a college on their way to work at MacDonald's or a strip club! First time they ever done this? Yeah, me too !
Infomerical: Buy Houses, Nothing Down ! "I bought 47 houses last week for $24.87" using the I.M. Slimey system. Uh.....If you had a gold mine, would you quietly mine the gold or sell maps to it's location?
Infomercial: Male Enhancement Drugs ! Jimmy Johnson shilling for Extenze. What a loser! Are you kidding me? If that crap worked men would either rule the planet or become slaves (Flash to "Planet Of The Apes"). Even worse, imagine a herd of 80 year old men with Old Timer's disease walking around with an erection and no idea where to put it.
I'll leave you with the exploits Billy Mays and Vince of Shamwow fame. Fortunately, they're no longer with us due to their exploits with cocaine. You can bet your ass they're both in hell and the punishment is that they have to listen to each other's commercials.
The News As I See It: Paul McCartney recently turned 68. He’s changing some of the lyrics to his songs, such as, "I wanna hold your cane." Now, when he says he wants to hold your hand, it’s so that you can help him cross the street.
Representative Joe Barton (R-Texas) actually apologized to BP’s CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron? To be fair, it’s not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It’s got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you.
There are rumors that the CEO of BP is saying they might go out of business. Then who will be in charge of not stopping the leak? While testifying before Congress, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a "complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures." Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive. This Date In History: 1527; Italian statesman, diplomat, and author of “The Prince,” Niccolo Machiavelli died. 1788; The U.S. Constitution went into effect when New Hampshire became the 9th state to ratify it. 1834; Cyrus McCormick's mechanical reaper was patented.
1964; Three civil rights worker disappeared in Philadelphia, Mississippi. In 2005, 41 years after the disappearance, Edgar Killen was convicted of their murders. 1982; John Hinckley was found not guilty by reason of insanity for the attempted murder of President Ronald Reagan.
1989; The U.S. Supreme Court decided that burning the U.S. flag was protected under the First Amendment. 2004; Michael Melvill pilots the first privately-developed spacecraft, SpaceShipOne, into space.
Picture Of The Day: Alvin Green won the Democratic primary. He didn't go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches and was kicked out of the Army. He's unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he's facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. Investigations are under way to see if and how he qualified to run for office. Personally, I think he's definitely qualified to be a senator. Is this a great country or what?
The other pictures today are some of the newest photoshop works on the internet. They sure make my job easy!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 2) Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. 3) Everything you read in the newspaper is absolutely false, except for the rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. 4) I wonder why psychics never win the lottery? 5) I was sitting in AREA51 last week and I asked a lovely Oriental girl if she knew what an erection was. She said, "Of course, it's when we vote.".....and that's five !
Birthdays: Reinhold Niebuhr, religious and social thinker 1892, Al Hirschfeld, cartoonist 1903, Jean-Paul Sartre, French existential philosopher, playwright, and novelist 1905, Mary McCarthy, novelist 1912, Benazir Bhutto, prime minister 1953, Prince William, prince (duh) 1982.The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A couple of movie critics were discussing old movies and wondered whatever happened to Tarzan. So they decided to look for him and ask him a few questions. Finally, they located him, and asked. "Tarzan how come we haven't seen you in a movie in a long time?" Tarzan said. "Well, I've had a bad case of arthritis and I can't swim any more or jump from branch to branch."
One of the critics asked, "What about Jane, Tarzan?" Tarzan said, "Jane is in really bad shape. She has Alzheimer's and doesn't know who I am anymore." The critic replied, "What a shame. What can you tell us about your son Boy?" Tarzan lamented. "Well, we don't see much of Boy lately. He stopped going to school and he only comes around to see us when he needs money or a favor." The critic said, "That's sad. Tarzan."
The other critic asked, "What about Cheetah? Have you heard anything about her?" Tarzan said, "Oh Cheetah. She's really doing well. She married a lawyer and is now living at the White House."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Thanks to my pals Linda and Victor for their contributions to today's post.
A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob. "What is that?" asked the teacher. The young artist answered, "The flea," The puzzled teacher asked. "What flea, dear?" The child said, "The one the Angel told Joseph to take.
Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was: Matthew 2:13 "..the angel of the Lord saying, 'Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt...........'" A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. He said, "well, I went into the woods to find me a bear. When I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. Then I began to read to my bear from God's holy word, but that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." A preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. A deacon suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. The preacher asked. "How would I go about doing that?" The Deacon said, "It's simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
The next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. The pastor exclaimed, "Shit!" They're still cleaning up the church.
That's it for today my little pork chops. Remember, there's no fool like an old fool, but the young ones are coming right along. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !